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RFK Jr

News, Politics

FDA Approves New Drug That Reverses Effects Of Narcan

SILVER SPRING, MD—Praising the drug’s ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation’s opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a…
Politics

RFK Jr. Denies Ever Laying Eggs In Olivia Nuzzi

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to dispel rumors of an affair during the 2024 presidential campaign, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a…
Politics

Steak ’N Shake Employee Screams After Nude RFK Jr. Climbs Out Of Beef Tallow Fryer

SOUTH BEND, IN—Expressing horror at the sight of the health secretary’s bare torso emerging from the vat of grease, a local Steak ’n Shake employee…
Politics

RFK Jr.: ‘The President Having Sex With Children Is Fine From A Purely Nutritional Standpoint’
Politics

RFK Jr. Fires Piss Czar

WASHINGTON—In a stunning shake-up that has sent shock waves through a department already roiled by upheaval, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.…
Local

RFK Jr. Greets Trick-Or-Treaters With Big Bowl Of Ape Glands

WASHINGTON—Asking the children to please just take one since he had to acquire the organs from a “sketchy dealer” in West Virginia, Health Secretary Robert…

News

Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body’s Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold

WASHINGTON—Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press…
Politics

RFK Jr. Advocates Using Beef Tallow In Home Birth Tubs

WASHINGTON—Touting the substance’s anti-inflammatory properties and high smoke point, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. released a statement Thursday advocating for the…
Politics

Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: ‘Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health’

WASHINGTON—Suddenly appearing at the lectern after emerging from a hole in the floor, a limbless, slippery Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced at a White House…
Politics

RFK Jr. Promotes Natural Immunity With Invitation To Touch His Festering Sore

WASHINGTON—Establishing new federal guidelines for disease prevention as he moves to restrict public access to a number of vaccines, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert…
Politics

RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism

WASHINGTON—Claiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous…
Politics

RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid

WASHINGTON—Claiming the luminous potion would make the nation strong and vigorous, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued an order Friday directing…

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