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American Voices

Transportation Department Endorses Crash Test Dummies That Resemble Women

The Department of Transportation is considering a new crash test dummy design based on female anatomy, claiming it would improve safety testing for women. What…
News

Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats

PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded in a study published Tuesday that…
American Voices

Royal Train To Be Decommissioned

King Charles will retire the “royal train,” a private rail line established in 1840 to transport members of the royal family across Britain, in an…
Local

Report: It Probably Fine That 5-Year-Old Just Whizzed By On Lyft Scooter

LOS ANGELES—Stressing that it wasn’t their problem and they certainly didn’t have the time or energy to investigate further, the authors of a report released Thursday…
Local

Passengers Rush To Arriving Train’s Doors Like Rat Babies Nursing At Mother’s Teats

CHICAGO—Packing as closely together as possible to avoid losing their spots on the platform, passengers at the Chicago Transit Authority’s Clark and Division station reportedly…
Local

Report: Honestly, Man You Saw Get Hit By Bus Can’t Stop Thinking About You Either

CHICAGO—As he drifted in and out of consciousness and glimpsed memories of your eyes widening in horror, sources confirmed Tuesday that honestly, the man you…

Local

Loveliest Buses Compete For The Crown In City-Wide Bus Pageant

ARCOLA, OHIO—The sweet, intoxicating aroma of fuel exhaust has bewitched residents of Arcola, Ohio for years. This winter, those residents will pay homage to the…

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