Become A Member. Get The Paper.

Friends

Local

Man Humiliates Himself At Holiday Party By Telling Coworkers He Appreciates Them

CINCINNATI—Saying the man’s reputation was unlikely ever to recover from the embarrassment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local accountant Josh Hunter had completely humiliated himself at…
Local

Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend

COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday…
Local

Friend Being Cagey About What She’s Going To Order

EVANSTON, IL—After casually asking what she was thinking about getting, patrons at a local restaurant confirmed Tuesday that a friend they were dining with had…
Local

Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now

WATERBURY, VT—Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would…
Local

Pathetic AI Chatbot Spends All Its Time Talking To Friendless Loser

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing annoyance at its “insufferable” display of “groveling devotion,” sources confirmed Tuesday that a pathetic AI chatbot was spending all its time talking to…
Local

Night Out More Fun Without Broke Friend

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Laughing as they paraded down the street with a newfound sense of freedom, sources confirmed this week that a tight-knit group’s night out…

Local

Scientists No Closer To Uncovering Where Friend Finds These Bozos

MADISON, WI—Warning that each new iteration of dummy seems to be more witless than the last, a team of scientists at the University of Wisconsin…
News

Nation’s Fuckups Announce Plan To Get Shit Together For Real This Time

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were approaching the future with the utmost seriousness, the nation’s fuckups announced a plan Friday to get their shit together for real…
Local

Bachelorette Party Provides Friends Valuable Time To Get High With Bride’s Cousin

PALM SPRINGS, CA—Appreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude…
Local

Rest Of Party Thanks Fucking God 2 Guys Who Like Etymology Found Each Other

RALEIGH, NC—Breathing a sigh of relief as the pair of new acquaintances talked each other’s ears off without any extra input, the rest of the…
Local

Aliveness Of Baby Quintuple-Checked Before Texting New Parents Congratulations

GREEN BAY, WI—In a comprehensive and thorough effort to ensure that nothing bad had happened, the aliveness of infant Liam Graham was reportedly quintuple-checked Tuesday…
Local

Exhausted Friends Slowly Realize They Were Playing Board Game Wrong Entire 6 Hours

MILWAUKEE—Growing more despondent as each turn brought them no closer to a conclusion, an exhausted group of friends was reportedly coming to the realization Friday…

Advertising

Advertising

In Other News