Become A Member. Get The Paper.

The Onion newspaper

Become A Member. Get The Paper.


Thursday, December 11, 2025

31°

Icy winds ruining hair, freezing it that way

The Onion

America’s Finest News Source


  • News
  • Local
  • Politics
  • Entertainment
  • Sports
  • Opinion
    • Search
    • The Latest
    • Video
    • Horoscopes
    • The Onion Store
  • News
  • Local
  • Politics
  • Entertainment
  • Sports
  • Opinion
    • Search
    • The Latest
    • Video
    • Horoscopes
    • The Onion Store

Thursday, December 11, 2025

31°

Icy winds ruining hair, freezing it that way

Become A Member
  • The Latest
  • News
  • Local
  • Politics
  • Entertainment
  • Sports
  • Opinion
  • Video
  • Search
  • Horoscopes
  • About Us
  • The Onion Store
    • Instagram
    • Twitter
    • Facebook
    • YouTube
    • TikTok
    • Bluesky
    • Tumblr

Free Your Wallet. Shop The Onion Store.


Newsletter

  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • YouTube
  • TikTok
  • Bluesky
  • Tumblr

Video


Continue Watching

  • Facebook Announces Human Trafficking Now Allowed On Marketplace
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Facebook Announces Human Trafficking Now Allowed On Marketplace

  • Investigation Finds Secret Service Failed To Account For Nation’s 393 Million Guns
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Investigation Finds Secret Service Failed To Account For Nation’s 393 Million Guns

  • Congress Bans Roofs
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Congress Bans Roofs

  • Eli Lilly Unveils Insulin That Doesn’t Work On Poor People
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Eli Lilly Unveils Insulin That Doesn’t Work On Poor People

  • Catholic Church Courts Youth By Adding Badass Deity With Robotic Falcon Head
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Catholic Church Courts Youth By Adding Badass Deity With Robotic Falcon Head

  • Taylor Swift Under Fire For Leaving Idling Plane Double-Parked Outside Store
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Taylor Swift Under Fire For Leaving Idling Plane Double-Parked Outside Store

  • Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Announcing He Taking Nation To The Circus

  • Google Announces Everyone’s Got To Chill With These Depressing Inquiries
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Google Announces Everyone’s Got To Chill With These Depressing Inquiries

  • Nation’s Men In Bathroom Stalls Announce Plan To Breathe Really Loudly
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Nation’s Men In Bathroom Stalls Announce Plan To Breathe Really Loudly

  • Nation’s White Liberals Announce They Have Successfully Completed Listening
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Nation’s White Liberals Announce They Have Successfully Completed Listening

  • Mortified Baby Hopes No One Notices She Shit Herself In Grocery Store
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Mortified Baby Hopes No One Notices She Shit Herself In Grocery Store

  • Heroic Pitbull Journeys 2,000 Miles To Attack Owner
    Entertainment, TikTok

    Heroic Pitbull Journeys 2,000 Miles To Attack Owner

Prev
1 … 3 4 5 6 7 … 124
Next
Prev
1 … 5 … 124
Next

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Explore More

Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday

  •  

    Sagittarius

    (November 22 to December 21):

    The stars appreciate your “whistle while you work” philosophy, but pallbearers are typically expected to be silent.

    Read Your Horoscope

Subscribe for all the latest Headlines

"*" indicates required fields

*

Sections

  • The Latest
  • News
  • Local
  • Politics
  • Entertainment
  • Sports
  • Opinion
  • Video

Explore

  • Search
  • About Us
  • Become a Member
  • The Onion Store
  • Front Page Archive
  • Jobs

© 2025

The Onion

Privacy Policy

Cookie Policy

Terms of Use

DMCA

Print Membership Terms

  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • YouTube
  • TikTok
  • Bluesky
  • Tumblr