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Vol 61: Issue 37

Weddings

Elisa Geoffries and Daniel Walter

After years of planning their wedding, the pair were united in marriage within an hour of the bride being legally able to consent.
News, Politics

FDA Approves New Drug That Reverses Effects Of Narcan

SILVER SPRING, MD—Praising the drug’s ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation’s opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a…
Local

Single Woman Tired Of Looking For Mr. Bean

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that she still hadn’t found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday that she was growing tired of…
Obituaries

Francine Holmes

Francine Holmes, 73, passed away Wednesday after three hours of successful surgery followed by four hours of unsuccessful surgery.
Entertainment

Lorde Requiring All Concertgoers To Stash Boyfriends In Locked Pouch

CHICAGO—In a move making her the latest performer to join the distraction-free trend, New Zealand singer-songwriter Lorde confirmed Friday that she was now requiring all…
Local

Mom Impressed By Tattooed Person’s Manners

HILLIARD, OH—Reluctantly admitting to the table that she might have been too quick to judge, local mother Janet Greenbaum told family members Thursday that she…

Local

Crying Sounds Coming From Inside Suit Of Armor
Politics

Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers

WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase…
Cartoons

Cold As ICE
News

Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE

WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trump’s immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species…
News

Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House

SAN ANTONIO—With the GOP’s redrawn congressional maps taking effect across Texas, a local family reported Friday that the earth rumbled and dishes crashed to the…
Politics

Nature Begins Reclaiming Chuck Grassley

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