Business Archives - The Onion

Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon’s customer service line began informing users this week that their calls would be monitored for the company’s sadistic amusement. “By staying on the line, you consent to being roundly mocked by a boardroom of executives who cackle maniacally over 26-year-old single malt scotch every time you beg to ‘speak to a human’ like a pathetic, shit-sniffing dog,” a pleasant automated voice now says, assuring submissive customers that their call is important because every torturous minute they’re forced to wait while listening to tinny Michael Bublé Christmas music fills the Verizon C-suite with unspeakable satisfaction. “As you wince in mounting discomfort, please know your suffering helps us better understand the limits of the human tolerance for pain. Each whimper, sigh, and expletive-laden tirade is carefully reviewed by senior management for its unparalleled erotic potency. We particularly savor your agonized reaction when, 90 minutes in, we inform you that you’ll need to call a different number, so please remember to scream that delicious scream of yours directly into the microphone—yes, just like that. Remember, at Verizon, your squirming, wormlike humiliation isn’t just data to us. It’s pure ecstasy.” Sources confirmed each call to Verizon customer service concludes with a brief survey to help the system refine its ability to degrade future callers into total, prostrating submission.

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Nvidia Becomes First $5 Trillion Company

The Onion Staff — Thu, 30 Oct 2025 20:43:46 +0000

Nvidia became the first company to hit a $5 trillion market capitalization, putting it on par with the GDP of countries like Germany, despite many warning of a possible AI bubble. What do you think?

“That’s more than most people make in a whole year!”
Bobby Croskey, Chocolate Shaver

“I just hope the success doesn’t change them.”
Lionel Ubajoa, Stage Sweeper

“AI can make all the money it wants, but it will never know the warm touch of a lover.”
Lili Dever, Junior Roofer

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Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Willem Dafoe

The Onion Staff — Mon, 20 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ATLANTA—Saying the novelty decoration would add the perfect touch to Halloween yard displays, the Home Depot announced Friday it had begun selling a new 12-foot-tall Willem Dafoe in stores nationwide. “October just got a whole lot spookier with our exclusive oversized Willem Dafoe ornament!” read the product’s promotional copy, which emphasized that the massive, high-density polyethylene recreation of the Platoon and Antichrist star would be towering over trick-or-treaters after just a few minutes of assembly. “Great for haunted houses, front yards, or anywhere else you want to terrify people with the BAFTA and Golden Globe award winner’s unsettling grimace and misty blue eyes. Plus, built-in LEDs ensure the whole neighborhood can see that distinctive tooth gap!” At press time, the Home Depot had reportedly removed the decorative Dafoe from shelves after numerous parents complained the actor’s face had given their children nightmares.

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Starbucks Awarded $5 Billion Contract To Explore Military Applications Of Cold Foam

The Onion Staff — Mon, 06 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ARLINGTON, VA—The U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam, part of the military’s ongoing effort to modernize its lactose-based defense capabilities.

According to officials, the Seattle-based company will oversee the prototype of a tactical frothed milk topping for use by the armed forces as the Pentagon looks to develop richer, more indulgent ways to neutralize threats on the battlefield.

“We’ve long discussed possible combat uses for our velvety nonfat cold foam, whether in targeted assassinations or as a way of stunning enemies with a rich, smooth, and delightful neuro-weapon,” said Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol, admitting that the company had been quietly promoting its vanilla sweet cream as an alternative to the Army’s outdated M14 thermate grenade steamers. “With Starbucks’ industry-leading expertise in caffeinated warfare, we believe that whipped dairy is the future of the defense industry.”

“Within a decade, the U.S. military will be armed with a cache of fully customizable strategic drink toppings in a variety of different flavors,” Niccol continued.

The operations of Starbucks facilities like this one may soon be classified as a national security secret.

Starbucks beat out competitors like Dunkin’, Peet’s Coffee, and Lockheed Martin for the 18-month contract, which will fund mission systems development and the integration of tactical cold foam as a light, airy neutralizing agent, allowing U.S. forces to blast a silky layer of sweetened cream over enemy troops without stirring it in. The contract also covers a possible expansion into weaponized oat and coconut foams that would theoretically allow for wartime dominance at a lower fat and sugar content than traditional cream-based munitions.

The partnership comes on the heels of reports that China has conducted controlled detonations of nearly 2,000 calories of cheese foam over the Pacific Ocean, an apparent show of force that comes mere days after President Donald Trump threatened to attack its boba reserves. In response, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has warned President Xi Jinping to “suspend his whipped toppings program willingly or risk having his face pushed into it by the full force of the U.S. military.”

While the Pentagon and Starbucks maintain that the cold foam does not qualify as a form of chemical warfare, the U.N. has warned that any mass dispersal of frothed milk over a large population center would be considered a violation of the Geneva Conventions.

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Netflix Now Requiring All Subscribers To Recruit 5 New Customers

The Onion Staff — Mon, 06 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

LOS GATOS, CA—With an update the company hailed as a bold feature that would excite existing users and increase membership, streaming giant Netflix announced Tuesday that all of its subscribers would now be required to recruit five new customers. “In the competitive world of streaming media, this restructuring will ensure Netflix remains at the forefront of drawing in first-time viewers,” co-CEO Ted Sarandos said of the revamped subscriber model, which encourages existing members to host Netflix parties in their homes to give potential customers a taste of the product and suspends any account holder who fails to lock new subscribers into a year-long contract. “Ultimately, this is a chance for our loyal subscribers to be their own boss. I started out selling Netflix subscriptions door to door, and that entrepreneurship and determination got me where I am today.” Sarandos added that subscribers who successfully recruited 50 customers would be eligible for a new “Diamond Star” level of membership and entered in a lottery to win a brand-new Netflix-red Jeep.

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Amazon To Pay $2.5 Billion Settlement For Tricking Prime Customers

The Onion Staff — Mon, 29 Sep 2025 13:18:00 +0000

In the largest civil penalty in Federal Trade Commission history, Amazon agreed to pay a $2.5 billion settlement to resolve claims that it misled customers into Prime enrollments and made cancellations difficult. What do you think?

“Amazon needs to stop mistreating their customers and focus on mistreating their workers.”
Adam Dokels, Unemployed

“Just think of how much you could buy on Amazon with that settlement money.”
Bruce Moises, Rice Purchaser

“I knew getting Prime would eventually pay off.”
Selena Alcantar, Batter Mixer

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Build-A-Bear Stock Outperforms Nvidia

The Onion Staff — Fri, 26 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

Build-a-Bear Workshop’s stock, defying the threat of tariffs on its Chinese-sourced inventory, has surged over 2,000% in the past 5 years, outpacing Wall Street darlings such as Nvidia and Palantir. What do you think?

“It’s a brilliant business move to outsource the building of your bears.”
Carolyn Polk, Aquarium Refiller

“Makes sense. My kid hated the graphics processing units I bought for him to cuddle with.”
Dennis Stratman, Productivity Analyst

“Maybe Nvidia should also consider opening a kiosk at Twelve Oaks Mall.”
Terrell Morris, Button Manufacturer

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Raid Introduces New Bug Doxxing Kit

The Onion Staff — Fri, 12 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

RACINE, WI—Saying the new product “attacks and intimidates pests right where they live,” popular insecticide brand Raid introduced its first-ever bug doxxing kit Tuesday. “Our complete doxxing system brings insect eradication into the 21st century by revealing the exact locations of termite mounds and ant colonies, a practice that encourages anonymous individuals on the internet to stalk and harass the bugs,” said Raid spokesperson Kyle Molasky, explaining that the kit is perfect for those who are disgusted by insects but reluctant to personally eliminate them, because it allows customers to simply upload the pests’ coordinates and then lets the official Raid 4chan forum do the rest. “Whether it’s a wasp nest hanging from an old oak tree in the backyard or silverfish lurking in your attic, you can publish the locations of tens of millions of bugs, and their lives will become a living hell, with many eventually just killing themselves. All you need to do is tag the queen to get started.” A press release stated that for extra stubborn bug problems, the new doxxing kits can be used alongside Raid swatting traps, which deploy highly trained law enforcement units to finish the infestation once and for all.

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Cracker Barrel Scraps Logo Redesign

The Onion Staff — Fri, 29 Aug 2025 14:01:32 +0000

Cracker Barrel announced it was reverting to its old logo after a new, more streamlined design generated intense customer backlash and criticism from President Trump. What do you think?

“I have many treasured memories of seeing the old logo on my way to Denny’s.”
Federico Littera, Tiara Jeweler

“You had me at ‘Cracker Barrel scraps.’”
Joshua Mirabal, Lock Tester

“It’s good to know America can still whip up a big, furious mob in the face of any and all change.”
Jackie Brotherton, Cookie Crumbler

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Denny’s Announces Free Pancakes For Customers Who Take Fight Outside

The Onion Staff — Thu, 28 Aug 2025 13:17:36 +0000

SPARTANBURG, SC—Introducing a new promotion that will be available to both adults and children at its restaurants nationwide, 24-hour diner chain Denny’s announced this week that free pancakes would be provided to customers who take their fighting outside. “We know our customers love coming to Denny’s to participate in violent late-night brawls, and now those guests will be treated to a complimentary short stack as a thank-you for moving the bloodshed out of the restaurant and into the parking lot,” said company spokesperson Tricia Kim, who added that patrons watching the melee from inside a participating Denny’s location were welcome to bang the windows and yell “Fight! Fight! Fight!” in encouragement. “Once you’re done slamming your opponent through a car windshield, we invite you to wash the blood off your face and clothes in our bathroom and head back to your banquette for some fluffy buttermilk hotcakes—on us. This offer is valid for one fight per customer. Please note that fight participants who jump behind the counter, grab one of our kitchen knives, and use it to stab their opponents are not eligible for this deal.” The promotion follows last month’s offer of a free grilled ham slice for Denny’s customers who keep their verbal abuse down to a reasonable volume.

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CEO Worried 23-Year-Old Only Into Him For His Keen Business Acumen

The Onion Staff — Thu, 28 Aug 2025 13:16:36 +0000

PHOENIX—In an intense bout of insecurity and wariness toward his partner’s superficial focus, Fortune 500 CEO William Freitag, 57, reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that the 23-year-old woman he was currently dating was only into him for his keen business acumen. “I’m trying not to let it get to me, but deep down I can’t help feeling she’s just like all the rest and only with me because she wants networking tips and access to my strong client base—a tale as old as time, really,” said the multimillionaire head of Summit Network Systems, expressing bitterness after dinner with the young office assistant, who he speculated was only seeing him as an excuse to pick his brain for financial advice and team leadership expertise. “Look, I’m not a sucker. I’m well aware she wouldn’t agree to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have my talent for negotiation and the respect of my clients. Women like that only have one thing on their minds: finding a guy who has increased operating revenues year over year for each of the past three fiscal quarters.” At press time, Freitag admitted he was only dating the woman for her comprehensive knowledge of Gracie Abrams’ discography.

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Study: Elephants Only Other Species Capable Of Leveraging Synergies In Brand Portfolio

The Onion Staff — Tue, 19 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking study published in the journal Animal Behaviour, researchers at Cornell University revealed Monday that elephants are the only known nonhuman species capable of leveraging synergies across a diversified brand portfolio. “Conventional wisdom has long held that leveraging omnibrand fluidity to unlock cross-platform capital efficiencies was a behavior unique to humans, but in the wild we have observed multiple African elephant groups with a highly evolved capacity for optimizing cross-vertical integration through holistic brand harmonization at scale,” said Professor Mia Sherin, who noted that elephant corporate structures are matriarchal, and females consistently serve as project managers across multiplatform activations, seamlessly executing cross-functional touchpoints and asynchronous ideation cycles. “This marks one of the most advanced examples of nonhuman tool use ever recorded. We’ve observed elephants utilizing Microsoft Excel for longitudinal KPI tracking, assembling low-fidelity mood boards to map brand essence, and creating rudimentary LinkedIn profiles to strengthen B2B positioning. In one case, a juvenile even led a rapid-fire ideation sprint that resulted in a fully actualized multichannel activation plan. This study brings us one step closer to the dream of true interspecies communication, should we ever manage to put some time down on their calendars to connect over a coffee.” At press time, Sherin’s team traveled back to Tanzania to study how different elephant groups mourn, as they are thought to be the only other animals known to grieve their profit losses.

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