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Child Given First Stock To Learn About Losing Everything Early

HUNTINGTON, NY—Eagerly explaining to the 9-year-old that the investment was already down 11% since purchase, Marcus Aldaco reportedly gave his son Eddie his first stock…
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Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit

CUPERTINO, CA—Amidst the strain of tariffs, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Thursday the launch of a new 7,083-piece iPhone kit. “Apple customers will have a…
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Kohler Doing Damage Control After CEO Admits He Never Uses Toilets

KOHLER, WI—Rushing out a statement to reaffirm the executive’s love and respect for the company’s signature plumbing product, Kohler was reportedly doing damage control Tuesday…
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Chobani CEO Warns New Hire They In The Yogurt Game Now

NEW BERLIN, NY—Taking the rookie employee aside to offer him “a word to the wise,” Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya warned new hire Austin Cook that…
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Financial Experts Recommend Diversifying Portfolio With Multiple Harebrained Schemes

NEW YORK—Claiming it was the only way to protect one’s assets against economic volatility, a group of financial experts recommended this week that Americans diversify…
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Nestlé Buys E.Coli For $2.3 Billion

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestlé released a statement Friday confirming it…

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Laid-Off 23andMe Employee Packs Up Box Full Of Bodily Fluids

SUNNYVALE, CA—Creating a trail of liquid that dripped from her desk to her car, laid-off 23andMe employee Marcia Nashold reportedly packed up her box of…
American Voices

23andMe Files For Bankruptcy

Embattled genetic testing company 23andMe, once valued at $6 billion, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, the company having initially rocketed into the mainstream because…
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Hims Announces Erections Will Soon Feature Ads

SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available to a wide customer base, Hims announced…
News

Financial Experts Recommend Setting Aside Emergency Fund They Can Bilk You Out Of

NEW YORK—Warning that their sudden desire for a new sports car could leave you completely broke, many financial experts now recommend setting aside an emergency…
Local

Revival Of Internship Program Heralds CEO’s Daughter Coming Of Age

ALHAMBRA, CA—Marking the moment as an exciting new era for Elmhurst Management Solutions, employees confirmed Friday that the revival of the company’s internship program heralded…
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Cash-Strapped WeightWatchers Announces Butter Now Zero Points

NEW YORK—In a desperate attempt to revive their floundering brand amid declining revenues, WeightWatchers officials announced Thursday that butter was now worth zero points. “Joining…

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