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Vol 51: Issue 49

Sports

Bell Tolling Through PA System Portends Doom For Away Team Facing Third Down

GLENDALE, AZ—Claiming that the haunting din suddenly and without warning filled the air of the 63,000-seat arena, sources confirmed that a bell tolling through the…
American Voices, Opinion

Breakup Coordinator Helps People Get Over Exes

A new service position, a so-called social media breakup coordinator, is assisting those who have recently exited relationships by erasing exes from the client’s social…
Local

Dementia Patient’s Family Keeps Ripping Her Away From Idyllic World Of 1950s

VERO BEACH, FL—Frequently reminding her that the year is 2015 and that she no longer lives in suburban Pennsylvania, the family of dementia sufferer Evelyn…
American Voices, Opinion

NYC Getting ‘High-Heel-Friendly’ Subway Grates

The MTA has announced the completion of its new ventilation facility, paired with new sidewalk grates that feature slip-resistant surfaces and smaller half-inch openings between…
Entertainment

Greatest Sports Moments Of 2015
American Voices, Opinion

Pizza Hut Partners With University For New Curriculum

Manchester Metropolitan University is partnering with Pizza Hut to offer an apprenticeship program for students to spend time both in the classroom and at actual…

Dispatch, News

Nation’s Oppressed Christians Huddle Underground To Light Single Shriveled Christmas Shrub

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Persecuted and driven into hiding because of their beliefs, the nation’s oppressed Christians reportedly huddled in a secret underground bunker late Wednesday night to…
Sports

Broncos Quietly Bury Peyton Manning In Unmarked Grave Next To Stadium

DENVER—Standing solemnly next to the patch of ground where the veteran quarterback’s body lay, members of the Denver Broncos organization quietly buried Peyton Manning in…
Entertainment

Top Tech Gadgets Of 2015
American Voices, Opinion

Company To Turn Picasso School Into Woody Allen Museum

Barcelona’s trade unions are contesting one media company’s plan to open a Woody Allen museum at the site of Pablo Picasso’s former art school, a…
Infographic, News

Tips For Throwing The Perfect Baby Shower

Every mother-to-be deserves a celebration of her upcoming arrival, and the best baby shower is one that fuses elegance with good fun. Here are The…
Local

Family With 2-Hour Layover Sets Up Rough Shantytown At Airport Gate

CHICAGO—Sources passing through Terminal 3 of O’Hare International Airport on Thursday confirmed that a family on a two-hour layover has used the crude materials at…

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