Vol 61: Issue 50 Archives - The Onion

Golden Globes Introduces Best Podcast Category

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 19:08:44 +0000

The Golden Globe Awards announced the addition of a new best podcast category, with the inaugural nominees avoiding podcasts that are controversial and politically charged. What do you think?

“I got into podcasting because I’m an idiot, not for accolades.”
Lou Farmer, Embroidery Enthusiast

“Now there’s a new way for podcasters to be losers.”
Aaron Barsanti, Hubcap Shiner

“If I wanted to hear friends banter for 45 minutes, I would just make friends.”
Philippa Thorpe, Composting Advocate

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Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found that young people now watch more YouTube content than zoetropes of galloping horses. “It may be hard for older generations to understand, but today’s young consumers are much more interested in watching videos on their phones than peering into a spinning cylinder,” said study co-author Jeremy Hernandez, who shared that his marketing firm had found that the average member of Generation Z spent less than two hours a week sitting in front of one of the motion illusion machines. “These days, practically the only population watching zoetropes are baby boomers. And when you look at the numbers for phenakistoscopes, it only gets bleaker. If the pre-cinema animation device industry wants to survive, they’re going to have to adapt.” At press time, Charli D’Amelio had reportedly signed a deal to star in three zoetropes in which she will appear to juggle bowling pins.

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Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon’s customer service line began informing users this week that their calls would be monitored for the company’s sadistic amusement. “By staying on the line, you consent to being roundly mocked by a boardroom of executives who cackle maniacally over 26-year-old single malt scotch every time you beg to ‘speak to a human’ like a pathetic, shit-sniffing dog,” a pleasant automated voice now says, assuring submissive customers that their call is important because every torturous minute they’re forced to wait while listening to tinny Michael Bublé Christmas music fills the Verizon C-suite with unspeakable satisfaction. “As you wince in mounting discomfort, please know your suffering helps us better understand the limits of the human tolerance for pain. Each whimper, sigh, and expletive-laden tirade is carefully reviewed by senior management for its unparalleled erotic potency. We particularly savor your agonized reaction when, 90 minutes in, we inform you that you’ll need to call a different number, so please remember to scream that delicious scream of yours directly into the microphone—yes, just like that. Remember, at Verizon, your squirming, wormlike humiliation isn’t just data to us. It’s pure ecstasy.” Sources confirmed each call to Verizon customer service concludes with a brief survey to help the system refine its ability to degrade future callers into total, prostrating submission.

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Fabergé Egg Recovered After Being Swallowed By Thief

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 21:04:32 +0000

Police in New Zealand recovered a rare $19,000 Fabergé egg pendant swallowed by an alleged thief, with the pendant exiting his body naturally after six days of around-the-clock monitoring. What do you think?

“Maybe his body produced it naturally.”
Summer Aronson, Unemployed

“I thought anything you could swallow was free.”
Ken Bickel, Photograph Blurrer

“Shake him around and see what else falls out.”
Alan Osorio, Tea Pourer

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Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 21:03:08 +0000

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Trump administration’s decision to require employers to pay a $100,000 fee in order to hire immigrant physicians on H-1B visas, clinics closures across rural America this week have reportedly forced many residents to rely on a horse who stomps twice when a patient has cancer. “Without access to board-certified oncologists in their area, millions of Americans have no choice but to head to the fairgrounds to visit ‘Old Hickory, the Astounding Medical Equine,’ who, for just 50 cents, can diagnose a man, woman, or child with leukemia faster than any big-city doctor,” said National Rural Health Association spokesperson Rachel McKidd, noting that after the horse gives a patient a whiff, he will clomp his hoof once for a clean bill of health, twice if he detects cancer in early stages, and thrice if he determines the condition is inoperable. “These healthcare deserts leave countless Americans faced with the impossible choice of whether or not to skip work and wait in line all day for the chance to step right up and see the ‘Prognosticatin’ Pony’ when the county fair comes to town. In fact, in many areas of the country, Old Hickory has become the sole provider of preventive care, diagnostic testing, and rides. While Old Hickory may be highly effective at his job, he is clearly overworked and simply does not have the capacity to whinny every time he smells diabetes on the 40 million rural Americans who lack proper access to primary care providers.” At press time, sources confirmed Old Hickory had been placed on indefinite leave from medical duties after kicking a patient who had spooked him.

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Man Humiliates Himself At Holiday Party By Telling Coworkers He Appreciates Them

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 15:53:35 +0000

CINCINNATI—Saying the man’s reputation was unlikely ever to recover from the embarrassment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local accountant Josh Hunter had completely humiliated himself at his company’s holiday party by telling his coworkers he appreciated them. “It’s normal to have a couple of drinks during the festivities, but Josh made a total ass of himself by telling everyone in the room what he really thought of their admirable work ethic and superior communication skills,” said Hunter’s colleague Lisa Gallegos, adding that the shameful anecdotes about him insisting they were the most talented people he had ever had the opportunity to work with would be repeated behind his back for years to come. “It was kind of funny at first, but things quickly spiraled out of control when he said he appreciated our moral support as he went through a difficult time earlier in the year. We had to put him in an Uber after he repeatedly made disturbing remarks about how he considered us to be some of his best friends.” At press time, the company’s HR department was reportedly fielding multiple complaints from employees who claimed Hunter had deliberately affirmed them as coworkers and as people.

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Unfairport

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

The post Unfairport appeared first on The Onion.

Multiple Countries Boycott Eurovision Over Israel’s Participation

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 22:07:09 +0000

Several European broadcasters including Ireland, Spain, and the Netherlands announced a boycott of the 2026 Eurovision Song Contest after Israel was allowed to participate, arguing it’s inappropriate given the humanitarian suffering in Gaza. What do you think?

“What if Israel is planning to sing an apology song?”
Rhiannon Salkin, Systems Analyst

“Big deal, I’ve been accidentally boycotting Eurovision my whole life.”
Vikram Joshi, Cupcake Froster

“I can’t in good conscience watch Eurovision regardless of who’s performing.”
Abe Ellsworth, Sandwich Modifier

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Plex Submits $35 Bid For Warner Bros.

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 21:56:23 +0000

LOS GATOS, CA—In an attempt to fend off growing competition from Paramount and Netflix, Plex CEO Keith Valory announced Monday that the streaming platform had submitted a $35 bid for Warner Bros. Discovery. “We believe the Harry Potter and DC universes will prove excellent additions to our slate of free-to-stream titles including Petticoat Junction and Party Mamas,” said Valory in a press release, calling the deal a “significant upgrade” on their initial offer of $15 and adding that the company was willing to pay the $35 in four installments over the next 10 years, or $6 up front plus $2 in stock options. “Plex has become synonymous with free-to-watch, ad-supported entertainment in recent years, reaching over 10 million Google searches in 2023. Where else other than Tubi can you watch reruns of Rucker’s Reno alongside films like USS Indianapolis: Men Of Courage? We think Warner Bros. shareholders will be very pleased by our handsome offer. We are unwilling to go beyond this. David Zaslav, the ball is in your court.” At press time, executives were hoping to sweeten the deal by throwing in a half-eaten bag of SunChips.

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Fact-Checking Trump On Affordability

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 17:15:02 +0000

President Trump continues to make misleading statements about affordability despite the Consumer Price Index indicating an increase in costs for many goods and services. The Onion assesses the veracity of the president’s claims.

Claim: The cost of living is low.

True: The cost of living is much lower than what it will be in a few months.

Claim: Trump has brought prices down.

False: We’re pretty sure he means the value of the U.S. dollar.

Claim: Trumponomics is the solution to runaway inflation.

False: Trumponomics is a 1996 CD-ROM game published by Maxis.

Claim: Affordability is a hoax perpetrated by Democrats.

False: Democrats would never run on a salient issue.

Claim: The price of Kellogg’s Stranger Things Demogorgon Crunch cereal has never been lower.

False: Kellogg’s Stranger Things Demogorgon Crunch cereal only cost a nickel in 1901.

Claim: It costs less to feed a family now than this time last year.

True: Remember, one of your kids died of measles.

Claim: The Trump economy has ushered in unprecedented prosperity for everyday Americans.

True: The White House’s economic agenda has been a boon for mom-and-pop hedge funds.

Claim: At Taco Bell, you can add sour cream to the regular bean burrito and it tastes basically the same as the Burrito Supreme.

True: It’s missing some other premium ingredients, but all you’re tasting is the cream anyway.

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