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“Man, pedophiles just can’t catch a break.”

Madison Herczeg, Gorilla Groomer

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“I guess I’ll have to start meeting underage kids the old fashioned way.”

Derek Wilgus, Retired Tourist

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“Can Malaysia afford to fall behind in teenage depression?”

Jimbo Loftin, Salt Packager

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“I never thought a decline in teen pregnancy would sound so depressing.”

Autumn Lin, Progress Tracker

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“A lot of kids just lie about getting to second base with a machine to sound cool.”

Tyler Ross, Scooter Appraiser

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“Still less weird than a senior dating a freshman.”

Victor Huang, Insect Magnifier

The post Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship appeared first on The Onion.

“How do I get my daughter to tell me how old she is?”

Henrik Larsen, Llama Shearer

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“My 14-year-old is mature enough to decide how many decapitations she sees.”

Farah Rahimi, Seance Technician

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“Another win for orphans!”

Noah Fitzgerald, Hydration Specialist

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The post Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind appeared first on The Onion.

“Everyone in the world is, like, so immature,” said Keefe, rolling her eyes at a group of boys playing dodgeball during lunch recess. “I mean, when are people going to grow up? We’re in eighth grade now, but everyone still runs around and plays baby games and acts completely retarded all the time.”

In addition to the juvenile behavior of her classmates, Keefe is forced to endure the immaturity of her younger sister, who doesn’t even know what fractions are; the produce manager at the grocery store, who whistles constantly; the youth-group leader at her family’s church, who wants everyone to hold hands like they’re in nursery school; the clerk with all the buttons at Payless Shoes; and, worst of all, her parents.

“My dad is always singing these dumb songs and telling stupid knock-knock jokes. I mean, get real. Knock-knock jokes? That is, like, so third grade,” Keefe said. “Plus, he always calls pajamas ’PJs.’ Excuse me?”

Her father, Richard Keefe, admitted that he does get “a little silly” sometimes, but stressed that he is making every effort to be respectful of his daughter’s exceptional maturity.

“Alexis is quickly becoming a young woman, so her mother and I are always trying to think of family activities that take this into account,” Keefe said. “We’ve come to find that this excludes such infantile activities as holding family sing-alongs, getting Blizzards at Dairy Queen, watching Animal Planet, visiting Grandma, shopping at Sears, swimming at the public pool, going to the planetarium, playing Frisbee, and pretty much anything else that requires Alexis to leave her room or get out of the car.”

Even Keefe’s best friends have come under fire for their immaturity. “I really like Becky [Christopher] and Jen [Ingrassia], but sometimes they’re totally embarrassing to be around. I mean, Becky goes to karate class, and Jen listens to Z-96. How immature can you be?”

Added Keefe: “Sometimes I think Becky and Jen need to go back to Miss Schukal’s kindergarten class or wear diapers or something.”

Among other things Keefe avoids at all costs: stuffed animals, pancakes, mittens as opposed to gloves, digital watches, pencils instead of pens, cotton candy, animated movies, sandals, yo-yos, ponytail holders, sack lunches and white nylons.

“We should consider ourselves lucky to have such a discriminating individual in our midst,” said Marjorie Schu, Keefe’s guidance counselor at Eastlake Junior High School. “It was only two years ago that Alexis was a watchdog for all things that were ’boring,’ and before that she was foremost in her class in pointing out things that were ’gay.’”

“What will be next?” Schu asked. “Will she move on to combat the ’lameness’ that surrounds her, or will she choose to speak out against things that are ’fake’ or ’cheap’? I guess all we can do is wait and see.”

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The post Everything A Joke To Local Teen appeared first on The Onion.

“They are fascinating,” said Ronald Fehgr, 51, a member of the Bronx Zoo Board of Directors and the man who lobbied hardest for the exhibit. “The public will enjoy watching them hang out and smoke in an attractive natural setting.”

The loitering teen is indigenous to many commercial areas throughout the U.S., but this is the first time they have been captured and put on display.

They are recognizable by their large Starter-brand jackets, baggy and ill-fitting pants, sullen attitudes, piercings on their bodies, and red speckled faces.

The zoo’s 13 specimens were found in urban areas, caught by big game hunters in a city-wide dragnet. Many were lured into traps with the promise of free cigarettes and spare change.

“The first few groups died in captivity,” Zoo spokesman Gerard Makhfuio says. “That’s to be expected, so we weren’t too disappointed.”

The exhibit will eventually consist of a half-block of city-like facade including an arcade, fast-food restaurant and concrete park. For now, though, the loitering teens have been placed in the former kodiak bear holding pen, in a comfortable setting of rocks, caves and small pools of potable water. Plans to place a video arcade game inside the pen as soon as possible have already been approved by the zoo board.

“They appear to be comfortable in the rocky setting, but for the most part they seem to mope around a lot,” senior zookeeper Bernard Gilks says. “When the custodians come in to clean their cages, and put on some rock music, they perk up a bit. They definitely respond to music.”

One lesson zoo officials quickly learned was not to introduce parents into the teens’ cages. When this happened, according to one eyewitness, the teens became enraged, ran around the cage, and screamed repeatedly, “you just don’t understand me,” at the top of their lungs.

Also of concern to zoo officials are the mating rituals of the teens, who appear to be awkward and ill at ease around members of the opposite sex.

“We’re hoping to get them to mate,” Makhfuio says. “But as of now, all they appear interested in is shaking zoo patrons down for change and hiding from someone known only as ‘Johnny Law.’”

Still, wax statuettes of the teens were a best-seller over the weekend, and there has been talk of opening up a petting area for other humans to interact with them on a limited basis.

If visitor numbers continue to run as high as last weekend’s total, the Loitering Teen exhibit could surpass “Women In Our Midst” as the largest attraction in San Diego Zoo history.

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