Technology Archives - The Onion

Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon’s customer service line began informing users this week that their calls would be monitored for the company’s sadistic amusement. “By staying on the line, you consent to being roundly mocked by a boardroom of executives who cackle maniacally over 26-year-old single malt scotch every time you beg to ‘speak to a human’ like a pathetic, shit-sniffing dog,” a pleasant automated voice now says, assuring submissive customers that their call is important because every torturous minute they’re forced to wait while listening to tinny Michael Bublé Christmas music fills the Verizon C-suite with unspeakable satisfaction. “As you wince in mounting discomfort, please know your suffering helps us better understand the limits of the human tolerance for pain. Each whimper, sigh, and expletive-laden tirade is carefully reviewed by senior management for its unparalleled erotic potency. We particularly savor your agonized reaction when, 90 minutes in, we inform you that you’ll need to call a different number, so please remember to scream that delicious scream of yours directly into the microphone—yes, just like that. Remember, at Verizon, your squirming, wormlike humiliation isn’t just data to us. It’s pure ecstasy.” Sources confirmed each call to Verizon customer service concludes with a brief survey to help the system refine its ability to degrade future callers into total, prostrating submission.

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Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found that young people now watch more YouTube content than zoetropes of galloping horses. “It may be hard for older generations to understand, but today’s young consumers are much more interested in watching videos on their phones than peering into a spinning cylinder,” said study co-author Jeremy Hernandez, who shared that his marketing firm had found that the average member of Generation Z spent less than two hours a week sitting in front of one of the motion illusion machines. “These days, practically the only population watching zoetropes are baby boomers. And when you look at the numbers for phenakistoscopes, it only gets bleaker. If the pre-cinema animation device industry wants to survive, they’re going to have to adapt.” At press time, Charli D’Amelio had reportedly signed a deal to star in three zoetropes in which she will appear to juggle bowling pins.

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Japanese Company Unveils Human Washing Machine

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 17:26:17 +0000

A Japanese tech firm has developed a capsule-style human washing machine, which is able to automatically wash and dry a person. What do you think?

“It’s nice to see real innovation in drowning.”
Joshua Gibson, Salami Slicer

“Thanks, but my dishwasher already gets me spotless.”
Astrid Thackorie, Junior Referee

“And fire the servants who sponge my body down?”
Maurice Hissom, Button Replacer

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New AI Chatbots Let Users Text With Jesus

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 22:30:06 +0000

Churches are deploying AI-powered chatbots that let users “text with Jesus,” tailor spiritual guidance, and engage with faith-based characters. What do you think?

“An intermediary between me and God? What am I, a Papist?”
Laura Grigg, Kiln Supervisor

“I accept Jesus into my hard drive.”
Hakim Washington, Chess Commentator

“I’m not big on technology, but I do love false idols.”
Danny Ezzo, Needle Threader

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Twirling Britney Spears Unaware Phone Died Hours Ago

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 18:04:49 +0000

The post Twirling Britney Spears Unaware Phone Died Hours Ago appeared first on The Onion.

IT Guy Had Affinity For Cords At Young Age

The Onion Staff — Thu, 30 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

DES MOINES, IOWA—Revealing that his fascination began practically as soon as he could crawl behind the television, local IT specialist Josh Tannenbaum told reporters Thursday that he’s had an affinity for cords from a very young age. “For as long as I can remember, I always knew I wanted to plug and unplug a variety of cords,” said Tannenbaum, adding that while other kids dreamed of being astronauts or firefighters, he aspired to be the guy who untangles a big mess of cables and wires and then organizes them so it’ll be easier for the next person who has to poke around in the electrical room. “My parents often tell me the story of when I saw my first cord at the age of five. I asked my father what it was, and my eyes filled with wonder as he told me it was called a cord and that it made the refrigerator work. After that, every birthday I would tear open the wrapping paper as fast as I could to get to those cords. All I hope is that before I get too old, I’ll be lucky enough to fulfill my childhood dream of traveling to Europe and seeing the different plugs their cords have over there.” At press time, Tannenbaum had reportedly been laid off from his IT job.

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ChatGPT Introduces New AI-Powered Web Browser

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

OpenAI has launched a new AI-powered web browser for macOS called ChatGPT Atlas, featuring split-screen chat companion and an agent mode to complete tasks. What do you think?

“I’d rather have AI insidiously take over my existing browser.”
Joel Nyberg, Corporate Clairvoyant

“I could definitely use an AI assistant to help me use ChatGPT.com.”
Stella Bachelder, Pet Masseuse

“Call me back when it can watch my porn for me.”
Charlie Cortina, Pudding Flavorer

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What To Know About Data Centers

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

As the use of AI increases, data centers are popping up across the country. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the controversial facilities.

Q: What do data centers need to run?

A: Water, electricity, air conditioning, and other resources typically wasted on schools and hospitals.

Q: Do data centers use a lot of water?

A: What are you, a fish? Don’t worry about it.

Q: How are data centers regulated?

A: Next month, Congress will hear about data centers for the very first time.

Q: Do I need to worry about one coming to my town?

A: Only if your town is built on land.

Q: How long does it take to build a new data center?

A: Approximately one closed-door city council vote.

Q: What’s Wi-Fi?

A: Not right now, big guy.

Q: What will most data centers house in the future?

A: Raccoons.

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Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship

The Onion Staff — Mon, 20 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

A new survey found that nearly one in five high schoolers say they or someone they know has had a romantic relationship with AI. What do you think?

“I never thought a decline in teen pregnancy would sound so depressing.”
Autumn Lin, Progress Tracker

“A lot of kids just lie about getting to second base with a machine to sound cool.”
Tyler Ross, Scooter Appraiser

“Still less weird than a senior dating a freshman.”
Victor Huang, Insect Magnifier

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Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now

The Onion Staff — Wed, 15 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ITHACA, NY—Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that voices coming through walkie-talkies should sound normal by now. “After countless hours of fact-finding and analysis, we’ve concluded that it’s 2025, and the speaker shouldn’t be all crackly anymore,” said lead researcher Jerome Thompson, noting that at a time when humanity was developing quantum computers, it was “pretty messed-up” that voices in two-way radio transceivers still came out tinny and could be difficult to understand. “They should sound like cell phones, but instead they sound weird and staticky. Any handheld device should sound as though the person is standing right there in the room with you. And honestly, they should’ve sounded like that a long time ago—I mean, phones have sounded good for ages, so why not walkie-talkies?” The study follows a report out earlier this month that concluded people using walkie-talkies shouldn’t have to say “over” at the end of every sentence.

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AI Deepfakes Of Dead Celebrities Spark Outrage

The Onion Staff — Fri, 10 Oct 2025 18:26:03 +0000

Saying it desecrates the late entertainers’ legacies, the families of Robin Williams and George Carlin have strongly condemned OpenAI’s new Sora video-generation platform, which allows users to create realistic videos of deceased public figures. What do you think?

“Whatever happened to manually puppeteering a celebrity’s corpse?
Faith Waddell, Systems Analyst

“But I haven’t even made them do sex stuff yet.”
Ray Pacheco, Novelties Engineer

“They should be grateful. I’d give anything to see my grandfather dance with Peter Griffin again.”
Phil Chamblee, Lunch Fetcher

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OpenAI Introduces Parental Controls

The Onion Staff — Wed, 01 Oct 2025 18:10:20 +0000

OpenAI introduced new parental controls for ChatGPT, allowing oversight over settings and alerts for unsafe content, though teens will be able to disable the controls at any time. What do you think?

“In our house, we have a strict ‘no hallucinatory parasocial relationships after 9 p.m.’ rule.”
Shannon Curran, Systems Analyst

“Kids should be able to feel comfortable asking their parents directly for suicide tips.”
Anders Beck, Billiards Coach

“But ChatGPT is the only parent I’ve ever known.”
Mathias Serna, Toothpick Packager

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