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Politics

Trump Sues Safeway Circular For False Ham Claims

WASHINGTON—In an escalation of his ongoing feud with the press, White House sources confirmed this week that President Donald Trump was suing the Safeway circular…
Entertainment

Nation Boards Up Windows, Retreats To Cellar As Lena Dunham Reenters News Cycle

WASHINGTON—Springing into action to save what it could, the U.S. populace reportedly got to work this week boarding up windows and retreating to its cellars…
Entertainment

Jim Davis Reveals He Studied Musculature Of Medical Cadavers To Properly Draw Jon

ALBANY, IN—Explaining that true artistry requires obsessiveness and a scientific understanding of form, cartoonist Jim Davis revealed Friday that he studied the musculature of medical…
Sports

Michael Strahan Surpasses Diane Sawyer As Good Morning America’s All-Time Sack Leader

NEW YORK—After months of closing in on the former news anchor’s legendary record, Michael Strahan surpassed Diane Sawyer on Friday as Good Morning America‘s all-time sack leader.…
Politics

Gavin Newsom Sits Down For Podcast With Serial Killer Who Targets Homeless

SACRAMENTO, CA—Promising his podcast listeners an engaging and enlightening conversation, California Gov. Gavin Newsom reportedly sat down Tuesday with a serial killer who targets the…
News

Early 2000s Media Criticized For Harsh Treatment Of D.C. Sniper

WASHINGTON—Questioning the press’s past coverage of the man known as the D.C. sniper, social media users have reportedly begun criticizing the early 2000s media for…

American Voices

Gen Z, Millennials Prefer Influencer Content Over Premium Entertainment

A new Deloitte study found that about 50% of younger consumers prefer watching creator-driven content on social media over big-budget Hollywood entertainment, claiming they feel…
American Voices

Trump Officials Accidentally Text Journalist War Plans

Top national security officials for President Donald Trump, including his defense secretary, texted war plans for upcoming military strikes in Yemen to a group chat…
Local

Basic Woman’s Entire Personality Revolves Around Things She Enjoys

NORFOLK, VA—Rolling their eyes at her mindless embrace of that which brings her happiness in life, sources confirmed Tuesday that basic woman Madison Derry’s entire…
Local

Desensitized ‘Prairie Home Companion’ Fan Seeks Out Gentler And Gentler Material

BELMONT, MA—His tolerance pushed ever-higher from decades of listening to the folksy radio program, desensitized A Prairie Home Companion fan Ira Hawthorne told reporters Thursday…
News

AARP Wondering If Anyone Will Notice Kathy Bates On Cover For 9th Issue In Row

WASHINGTON—Cautiously optimistic that the trend would continue to arouse no suspicions from readers, executives at AARP reportedly wondered Wednesday whether anyone would notice that Kathy…
American Voices

Labor Board Classifies ‘Love Is Blind’ Contestants As Employees

The National Labor Relations Board issued a complaint against the hit reality show Love Is Blind in which it classified the show’s contestants as employees,…

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