“I got into podcasting because I’m an idiot, not for accolades.”

Lou Farmer, Embroidery Enthusiast

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“Now there’s a new way for podcasters to be losers.”

Aaron Barsanti, Hubcap Shiner

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“If I wanted to hear friends banter for 45 minutes, I would just make friends.”

Philippa Thorpe, Composting Advocate

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“I get most of my trout migration news on TikTok anyway.”

Alvaro Bahena, Coffee Critic

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“That’s what they get for their woke coverage of tidal patterns.”

Dane Hackney, Sundial Calibrator

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“And what of my rye?”

Lacie Krauss, Pinwheel Spinner

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Obtained last month by the House committee investigating the late financier and child sex trafficker, the Time Pedophiles saga depicts Trump and Epstein journeying through various historical eras aboard Epstein’s Chronolita Express time machine, taking on Edo-period samurai, ancient Roman legionaries, and Wild West gunslingers in their never-ending quest for underage sexual partners. 

Though Trump was prominently credited as writer and illustrator on every cover, in addition to appearing as a doodled version of himself in several “Molester’s Soap Box” columns, where he would frequently rant about the unfair treatment of sexual predators, the president has vigorously disputed the series’ authenticity.

“Epstein was no friend of mine, and I never drew us becoming knights and competing at a joust for the virginity of a 13-year-old Eleanor of Aquitaine,” Trump said when asked about Time Pedophiles by a reporter, suggesting that someone else could have written, inked, and lettered the series before falsely signing his name. “Anyone who knows me knows I wouldn’t draw myself in a covered wagon picking up minors on the Oregon Trail, nor would I write a story arc about going back into prehistory, long before humans invented the age of consent, to hit on Cro-Magnon girls. Sorry to disappoint, but the fact is, I don’t draw cavemen.”

“I’ve never written a caveman in my life,” he added, though several one-shot comics the president drew for charity in the early 2000s depict cavemen in a style nearly identical to those in Time Pedophiles.

The storylines in the series are largely driven by the reliance of Epstein’s time machine on Enigmium, a mysterious substance that “never ages” and can only be obtained via sexual encounters with girls between the ages of 12 and 17. Each arc typically begins with the erudite Don rattling off facts about their next destination, only for Jeff to interrupt him with his catchphrase, “But what does [the Qing dynasty/Prohibition-era Atlantic City/Belle Époque France] have to do with getting pussy?”

The duo’s time-faring underage sexcapades also feature numerous cameos from Don and Jeff’s team of “Temporoconspirators,” including Doc Dershowitz, the madcap inventor constantly developing new gizmos—like the Groomatizer Ray and allegation-proof underwear—for the Time Pedophiles to test out, as well as Chief Engineer Ghislaine, the Chronolita Express’s mechanic and Jeff’s on-and-off paramour, whose direct exposure to the timestream in a tragic massage accident left her forever trapped in the body of an adult woman.

Despite the president’s repeated denials of having ever depicted himself and Epstein commissioning Leonardo da Vinci to build them a mechanical clockwork nymphet who goes haywire and chases them through the canals of Venice after Jeff carelessly fondles a dial controlling her aggression levels, Americans expressed unease that Epstein and Trump opted to self-publish Time Pedophiles through a company they founded called GROPE comics. 

In a nationwide poll conducted by Pew Research Center, 84% of respondents called the comic unpresidential and said they were disturbed by the Time Pedophiles traveling back to ancient Egypt in the “Groom Like An Egyptian” storyline and getting two breastlike pyramids constructed in their honor for molesting 14-year-old Cleopatra. In addition, 77% were appalled by the Time Pedophiles rescuing Joan of Arc from being burnt at the stake only to heave her back into the blaze upon learning she was 19. 

Similarly, 89% of those polled said they disapproved of the chapter where Don deliberately lands the Chronolita Express in the Miss Teen Mesopotamia changing room, and 68% said that Trump should immediately resign if he did indeed pen the issue in which an incident at a 19th-century girl’s boarding school leads to Don unwittingly becoming Jeff’s great-grandfather.

“Assuming the comics in this omnibus collection are authentic, the entire series paints a damning picture of Trump and Epstein’s relationship,” said political analyst Sarah Helbecker, pointing specifically to the series’ retrospective final chapter, in which Don and Jeff wind up in the year 5000 and are put on trial by an all-female robo-society for their crimes against women, girls, and the young velociraptor from the “Jurassic Pedos” arc. “The whole courtroom sequence reads like a confession, but before anyone faces any consequences, a portal appears and the duo receive a deus ex machina pardon from the Pedophile King of the Chro-noverse, who is strongly hinted to be a future version of Don himself.”

Helbecker added, “The American people should ask themselves just what the president meant when he concluded every issue of Time Pedophiles with the motto ‘Three cheers for molestation, and may every historical era be another wonderful secret!’” 

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Seriously. Pedro’s a sensitive and authentic guy, and there’s nothing less authentic than experiencing a one-sided relationship with somebody who doesn’t even know you exist.

There’s nothing wrong with being a fan. The problem is when people become obsessive. Go to any pop star’s Instagram, and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. Take the comments on Harry Styles’ account, for instance: “Harry, I love you,” “Harry, you saved my life,” “Harry, I can’t live without you.” Honestly, it’s creepy. Whenever I see that kind of thing, I wish Pedro were beside me. I can see him rolling his chocolate brown eyes and saying, “Ugh! These people are insane!” I’d just love to pick his brain over it sometime. Maybe over dinner and drinks at Trattoria da Pippo. He went there in 2023.

The effects of celebrity obsession aren’t just psychological. Parasocial relationships can also take a heavy toll on fans’ wallets. Taylor Swift fans will spend hundreds of dollars on endless “deluxe” editions of the same album, and thousands on concert tickets. Meanwhile, the most I’ve ever spent on concert tickets was $200 to see the Cure, Pedro’s favorite band. Sure, $200 is also a lot of money, and so was the $600 I spent on a plane getting to L.A., but it was all worth it for the chance to spend the night in the front row with my back to the stage, scouring the crowd for Pedro’s face as I screamed out his name.

I’m not trying to be judgmental about parasocial relationships. I just can’t relate. The crux of the matter is you don’t know these famous people, no matter how many movies, interviews, podcast appearances, Narcos episodes set to slow motion, or shaky, raw footage from 2014 Game Of Thrones Comic-Con panels zoomed in on their face you may have watched.

Isn’t that right, Pedro? I can picture him vigorously nodding his head right now. 

Parasocial relationships are ruining fan communities too. Online fandoms used to be a fun, open-minded place where people could make new friends and express themselves. Now, these “stans,” as they proudly call themselves, seem to think they can read their favorite celebrities’ minds. The other day, a bunch of these crazies ganged up on me to claim that the things I was posting in our forum would make Pedro “feel unsafe.” Uhh, I’m sorry. How would you know how Pedro “feels”? Have any of you basement dwellers even met him? I have. Nine times. Three times outside red carpet premieres, twice by following his limousine, and four times through window panes as he stood alone in his kitchen, drinking a cup of tea.

Ten times if you count the police lineup.

Maybe I’m being unkind. It’s important to have empathy for others, especially for those who may be struggling. It’s likely many of these fans simply don’t have friends or family members they feel close to in real life, and sadly, parasocial relationships seem to have filled that space. That’s why I’m ultimately so grateful to have Pedro in my life, sending me messages through the screen of the jailhouse TV. 

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Was often bedridden as a child due to a debilitating spaghetti allergy

Prefers the more casual “Marty” on set and fires anyone who disobeys

Doesn’t know how to log into Apple TV

Came up with the idea for gangsters while eating at an Italian restaurant in 1958

Has seen as many as 12 movies in his lifetime

Initially thought a Hawaiian shirt would be enough to de-age Robert De Niro in The Irishman

Eyebrows insured for $5 million

Old enough to call movies “the pictures” sometimes

Has 200 hit points

Still doesn’t know whether people on screen real or fake but is content not knowing

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