Horoscopes

Your congregation will hold you up as an object of shame and ridicule when Amy Grant calls you a blaspheming sinner during the live telecast…

Your vanity and love of the spotlight override your common sense when you attend the 1997 Grammy Awards in a dress made of human skin.…

This house ain’t big enough for me and that damn lousy dog. I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the…

When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot. Aries: On first dates, remember that just…

An ordinary can opener and a three-foot plank are the basic ingredients for your home piercing business. Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means…

An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the…

You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice. God Himself will be powerless to save you from the…

Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week. Be prepared for financial gain when…

Former roadblocks to romance will crumble and fall before you this month when you discover the erotic potential of intravenous racehorse amphetamines. A freak explosion…

An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead. It’s been…

The culmination of your life’s dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness. The stars indicate that it’s time to…

Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull. The stars indicate…

You should take some time to accept life’s uncomfortable little truths. You’ve sired the brats of half the truckstop gals east of the Continental Divide.…

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love. Then you’ll be flattened by a stampede…

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) Your memo concerning the Schinderman account has been posted in the lunchroom so that others may laugh at your poor spelling.