Horoscopes

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 Even if you can’t help your snoring, you should do more to respect the anger of the rest…

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 Your charred, lifeless body will time and again debunk the old myth about lightning never striking the same…

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 You’re in for a bit of an adjustment period this week, and for several weeks after that, following…

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you’re not…

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18 Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day…

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19 Advances in science will soon allow man to travel to the most distant corners of the universe. Still…

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19 People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for…

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21 A harrowing struggle in which a masked assailant tries to suffocate you with a pillow turns out to…

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21 No one will be able to figure out your enigmatic last words, and the fact that you’ll live…

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21 You’ll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the…

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21 The powers that be are in fact watching you at all hours and tracking your every move, but…

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 Don’t worry: They’re not laughing at your repeated and costly failures. They’re laughing with your repeated and costly…

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday, you’ll have no idea there is a world…

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because…

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case, it would just mean more time being chased by…

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22 Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if, like you, people keep using them to suffocate…

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22 Just when things seem to be going your way, you’ll be forced to get out of bed this…