Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

At this very moment, hundreds of miles from where you are, some of the world’s greatest intellects are attempting to change the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send the ransom note.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You’ll undergo a crisis of conscience when you realize that, despite being a faithful American, you don’t really want to watch anything that’s on TV right now.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The good news is that traveling will be somewhat easier for you after next week, as you’ll never again need to complain about legroom or not having a decent view.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The stars are happy to announce that starting next week you

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The pretty lady’s boyfriend will actually be a lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who dates her is not determined by an essay contest.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’re not getting any younger, which means that a certain so-called “wizard” has a lot to explain concerning certain “reverse-aging potions.”

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

It turns out that whomever you have to sleep with to get a drink around here, it’s not the bartenders, the owner, the waitresses, or the bouncer.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’ll continue to inspire those closest to you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Although your roommate thought it was crazy of you to buy all that plastic sheeting, you’ll come home to find it applied to the walls and floors soon enough.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 17, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you’ll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

If there is more to life than fishing, you don’t want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

It’s true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should’ve known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won’t be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 10, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your quest to become the World’s Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you’d be a really great parent.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your old solution isn’t going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’ve often said you’d like a word with whoever is responsible for all the bullshit, leaving you conflicted when you’re promoted to manager of all the bullshit.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You’ll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you’ll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Although you’ll admit you enjoy the new

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you’ll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up with in a Lifetime.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn’t signed that pesky form saying you wouldn’t have any.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’ll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that “lying down on top of things” has actually become a fad.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You’ll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 20, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ll feel a strange mixture of pride and terror when NASA announces it will replace the space shuttle with you in launches starting late next year.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Considering how easy it is to get them these days, you’re starting to regret choosing “hugs” over any number of things that rhyme with them.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your theory that your life eerily echoes the events in Casablanca is disrupted even further by the disparity in people’s emotional involvement with their endings.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Every marriage is like a little nation unto itself, and the failure of yours is a textbook example of how investment in education, the arts, and maybe a puppy are desirable goals for civilization.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Often it feels as if everything is too hard for you and that anything you try ends in failure, but take heart: Those feelings have to be wrong eventually.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Sometimes we find amazing things in places we least expect them, whether it’s true love, peace of mind, or, in your case, a pack of furious marauding cannibals.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You have no idea why you’ve been experiencing laughter, tears, a sudden desire for fried chicken, or an impulse to call the law offices of Marvin Falbaum, but it’s probably the TV.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Decent people everywhere will be shocked and appalled by the treatment you received and the conditions under which you were held, but it’s not like their jobs are any better.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ll find yourself curiously unfulfilled, if not a little frightened, when you finally learn the answer to the question of who watches the birdwatchers.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

In retrospect, you should have paid more attention to the obvious warning signs, which were of course placed there by the Department of Transportation for just that purpose.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’ve been fooling yourself for so long that you’ve lost track of your sense of identity, your joy in life, and which one is actually the real Shroud of Turin.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

If you somehow magically had the chance to do it all over again, you’d do everything in your power to make her happy. You don’t, though, because that’s not the way it works.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 13, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion—but then you really couldn’t disagree with them more.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

In a tragic twist of fate, you’ll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It’s that time of the lunar cycle again!

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Unfortunately for you, there’s no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Not hitting your shots and a weak zone defense aren’t just why your team is losing in the playoffs, it’s why the Centralized Space Command will surrender to the Uranus Allied Forces this Thursday.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 6, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you’ll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Just when you think you’ve endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

While most everyone battles inner demons, you’ll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you’re actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week when your hometown hosts its “Most Prolific Public Defecator” contest.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you’ll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you’ve gone deaf.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your family’s never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You’ll balloon up to triple your weight after several months spent following a diet-book typo that told you to eat 16,000 calories a day

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’ll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you’ll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars will take immense pleasure in lording your foreseeable future over you this week.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 29, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

For centuries, fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week before going soft and filling with mold two days later.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90% of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain’s memory center will soon give you the fresh start you’ve been searching for.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even Francis Bacon at his height.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Don’t be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Don’t listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The stars think it’s time you stopped skirting around the issue and finally told your cat how you really feel.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You refuse to buy into society’s petty, narrow-minded definitions of good and evil, or at least that’s what you tell people when they notice you’re a lousy tipper.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You’ll be doing a lot of traveling in the near future due to your inability to dribble a basketball effectively.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

When all’s said and done, you’ve loved and been loved in return, and no one can take that away from you. However, they can make sure you don’t get paid for it.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

There will come times in life when you find it impossible to tell the dancer from the dance. Be advised the person is the dancer and the dance is the series of motions being made.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your true goal continues to elude you when you succeed in breeding pandas to a mailbox, a surprised cat, and a traumatized lab assistant.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

While “To thine own self be true” is wise advice, it was intended for someone whose own self didn’t sit on the couch eating beef jerky and watching car-auction shows.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll experience a slight setback when events beyond your control force you to repeat age 8 all over again, which actually isn’t half bad.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ve always detested clichés, tired old jokes, and easy irony, which are three more reasons why you’re going to hate being killed by a falling safe.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

They say a good friend will bail you out of jail but a best friend will share your cell. With that in mind, your best friend will stab you with a sharpened toothbrush this week.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Authorities acknowledge that yes, technically you went on a tri-state killing spree, but since you did it in the Four Corners region of the Southwest, it actually makes you look lazy.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

When the stars told you this was a good time to start new projects at work, they certainly didn’t expect you to put Vaseline on the stairs and then pull the fire alarm

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Thanks to the events of this week, when people think “fish sticks,” they’ll think of you. Then they’ll throw up, especially if they’re eating fish sticks.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’re starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Don’t worry: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your goals, as long as you realize they’re unrealistic and you can never actually achieve them.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Rescue personnel will stretch the English language, the human voice, and the average person’s constitution to unprecedented limits while trying to describe the horrible sounds you’ll make next week.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

This is a good month to take long trips, as long as you travel in a slow, ground-based vehicle without all that much fuel in it.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The habit is certainly awkward for your friends and family members, but this would actually be a bad time to discontinue your practice of carrying a battle axe to church.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The constellation Virgo has seen you gazing at her in silent supplication, and she has this message for you: Her eyes are up here.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll be astounded to learn this week that, in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances, monkeys do come in barrels, but they are no fun whatsoever.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ve succeeded in breeding pandas in captivity, but the hard part will be getting them to breed with each other.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep, but look at it this way: You’ll be at home, all right, and the flames will spread so fast you’ll only be awake for a few seconds.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You’re spending less time considering your future these days, which, all things considered, is only appropriate.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. Push your grandmother in front of a bus this week.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Time and space are both illusions, making it even more frustrating that you’re always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 8, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Nightingales are known for their sweet, often melodious song. However, the one outside your window seems way more interested in Dancehall Reggae.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Remember: The sum of the pleasure of any two sides of a right-angle love triangle is equal to the underlying jealousy of the hypotenuse.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Try not to hold onto any animosity you may feel toward your coworkers this week, as that asshole Dave would probably love it if you did.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don’t be alarmed: They’re mostly just bored.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Repeated incidents of drunken and disorderly conduct, public urination, and indecent exposure will completely ruin what was once a very charming little Funkytown.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has sneak in through its basement window late at night.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Sometimes you wish your kids had come with an instruction manual, but then, that’s the price you pay for getting them second-hand.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You’ll be showered with dozens upon dozens of beautiful bouquets next Valentine’s Day, all carefully and lovingly arranged, around your tombstone.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Disappointment will once again be yours this week when that female mongoose call turns out to be just another overweight human.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You’ll find what you need in the sweet, innocent arms of a child, especially since what you need is fresh bone marrow.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 1, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your romantic life will hit a rough patch this week when your lover, having grown bored of your relationship, trades you to the Saskatchewan Roughriders.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The parandrus, an antlered, hairy, cloven-hoofed beast the size of an ox and notable for its ill temper and foul breath, was thought to be mythical until people got a load of you.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your sudden desire for stability will lead to you retrofitting yourself with StabiliTrak, a rather dated skid-control system that brakes your feet individually to improve control.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’ll be taken aback by the news that your life story has been changed from a lightweight romantic comedy to a lengthy and detailed police procedural.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The so-called Tenth Crusade will end almost as soon as it begins next week when armies of religious warriors have no trouble whatsoever conquering and subjugating you.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Pluto rising in your sign indicates trouble in your romantic life, which is problematic because, well, for astronomical reasons, Pluto’s going to be rising in your sign for the next 87 years.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You have evidently failed to learn the lessons of history, as you begin next week by attempting to find the Northwest Passage, unite Britain and Ireland, and get your family to stop exchanging Christmas gifts.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Only one major thing will happen to you this week. After that, however, it won’t really be possible for anything to ever happen to you again.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ll begin to suspect that your spouse has taken other sexual partners shortly after they open a conversation with you by saying “I’ve been thinking about taking other sexual partners.”

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

This week will teach you that there are certain things that really can’t be faked, such as love, respect, and the human arms.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’ll be bitten by a vampire and become one of the Immortal Sanguinary Children Of The Night just when the whole fad is about to blow over.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your future has yet to be determined due to a malevolent online community’s massive denial-of-service attack on the relevant zodiacal elements.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 25, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ll inspire thousands to go out and do something with their lives in order not to wind up being as pathetic and useless as you are.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The rescue workers won’t need to knock down an entire wall of your house to get you out, but they want to make you feel extra fat.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’ll resolve not to fall for the same old tricks just as your shoelace goes untied, a menacing figure looms up right behind you, and you finally find true love.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Someday you’ll look back on all this and laugh, you sick, demented, inhuman monster.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Love means different things to different people, but you’ll have a hard time finding someone to whom it means “a profound degree of affection.”

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It’s kind of disappointing, really, but it turns out you and your archenemy actually aren’t that much alike at all.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

People have a hard enough time believing “timbersports” are a real thing without you trying to achieve notoriety by becoming its all-time most penalized participant.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

It turns out that sorting is one of God’s least favorite things, as you’ll learn this week when you decide to kill them all and let Him sort them out.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ve decided to pull one last big job and then retire, although it is unclear exactly how this will work for a trombone instructor.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

While it’s true there’s nothing you wouldn’t do to make your friends happy, that impulse will soon come into conflict with your willingness to do anything for a decent piece of pie.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You never thought you’d get tired of the endless parade of deep-fried food that is your life, and sure enough, it hasn’t happened yet.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Unfortunately, popular entertainment has led you to believe that when you try to deliver a baby while trapped in a malfunctioning elevator, the mother and baby both survive.

The post Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2020 appeared first on The Onion.