Now: Focus Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/now-focus/ America’s Finest News Source Mon, 16 Jun 2025 17:26:25 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/cropped-site-icon.png?w=32 Now: Focus Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/now-focus/ 32 32 234789167 Man Opens Up About Childhood Trauma Of Being Forced To Put On Jammies https://theonion.com/man-opens-up-about-childhood-trauma-of-being-forced-to-put-on-jammies/ Mon, 16 Jun 2025 17:26:24 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851685952 The post Man Opens Up About Childhood Trauma Of Being Forced To Put On Jammies appeared first on The Onion.

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Former Cult Leader Reveals How He Escaped Needy Followers https://theonion.com/former-cult-leader-reveals-how-he-escaped-needy-followers/ Thu, 20 Mar 2025 17:15:47 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851681698 The post Former Cult Leader Reveals How He Escaped Needy Followers appeared first on The Onion.

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CEO’s Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates https://theonion.com/ceos-son-explains-why-he-refuses-to-let-father-help-him-sexually-harass-subordinates/ Thu, 13 Mar 2025 19:14:13 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851681368 The post CEO’s Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates appeared first on The Onion.

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Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test https://theonion.com/immigrant-criticizes-swimsuit-competition-portion-of-u-s-citizenship-test/ Fri, 07 Mar 2025 18:53:07 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851681128 The post Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test appeared first on The Onion.

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Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas https://theonion.com/doctor-warns-of-damaging-effects-child-obesity-having-on-mall-santas/ Tue, 17 Dec 2024 18:08:59 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851676128 The post Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas appeared first on The Onion.

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College Student Explains What It Like To Be First In Family Forced To Drink Own Urine In Frat House https://theonion.com/college-student-explains-what-it-like-to-be-first-in-family-forced-to-drink-own-urine-in-frat-house/ Tue, 10 Dec 2024 18:05:12 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851675897 The post College Student Explains What It Like To Be First In Family Forced To Drink Own Urine In Frat House appeared first on The Onion.

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Expert Explains Why, Essentially, You’re Fucked https://theonion.com/expert-explains-why-essentially-youre-fucked/ Mon, 11 Nov 2024 20:23:30 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851674717 Dr. Andrea Worth, a researcher at Harvard University, explains how her team's work over the past three years has concluded that you are completely and utterly goddamn boned.

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Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything https://theonion.com/conservative-man-proudly-frightened-of-everything/ Thu, 24 Oct 2024 18:28:48 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851672273 The post Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything appeared first on The Onion.

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Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town https://theonion.com/mayor-explains-why-he-changed-city-named-after-slave-owning-founder-to-salami-town/ Mon, 14 Oct 2024 15:51:27 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851671807 The post Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town appeared first on The Onion.

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Activist Explains Initiative To Provide Safe Housing To Electric Scooters https://theonion.com/activist-explains-initiative-to-provide-safe-housing-to-electric-scooters/ Mon, 26 Aug 2024 19:50:08 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851664735 The post Activist Explains Initiative To Provide Safe Housing To Electric Scooters appeared first on The Onion.

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Gun Owner Explains Why He Needs Weapon To Protect Self From Gun He Currently Holding Against Own Head https://theonion.com/gun-owner-explains-why-he-needs-weapon-to-protect-self-1851172345/ https://theonion.com/gun-owner-explains-why-he-needs-weapon-to-protect-self-1851172345/#respond Wed, 17 Jan 2024 15:42:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/gun-owner-explains-why-he-needs-weapon-to-protect-self-1851172345/ The post Gun Owner Explains Why He Needs Weapon To Protect Self From Gun He Currently Holding Against Own Head appeared first on The Onion.

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White Woman Explains Why As An Anti-Racist Ally She Refuses To Say Any Word That Starts With ‘N’ https://theonion.com/white-woman-explains-why-as-an-anti-racist-ally-she-ref-1851155199/ https://theonion.com/white-woman-explains-why-as-an-anti-racist-ally-she-ref-1851155199/#respond Wed, 10 Jan 2024 15:12:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/white-woman-explains-why-as-an-anti-racist-ally-she-ref-1851155199/ The post White Woman Explains Why As An Anti-Racist Ally She Refuses To Say Any Word That Starts With ‘N’ appeared first on The Onion.

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