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Family Enjoys Winter Wonderland in Own Home

Chicago’s Randall Clan has not had heat since early November
Local

New Report: Drug Use Down Among Uncool Kids

A study released this week by the Department of Health and Human Services reveals that drug use is down among uncool American kids. The federal…
Entertainment

Nine Drawn and Quartered at Renaissance Fair

RICHMOND, VA—Nine people were torn limb-from-limb and skewered through the anus with wooden stakes this weekend at the city’s annual Renaissance Fair. Organizers boast that…
President Bill Climpton

The Onion’s 1995 Man of the Year
Bosnian Child Makes Fun Art Project with Mother's Skull

TUZLA—It’s no fun being stuck inside the house all weekend because your town is getting shelled. Especially when you’re an energetic young girl who loves…
Dispatch, News

Area Teens Wed, Horrible Life Awaits Pair

It was a festive, caring time in the Leske family’s normally dysfunctional household. The invitations had been sent out, the minister had been paid, the…

Local

Police Unimpressed With Rooftop Sniper

‘It’s Been Done,’ Say Officials
Fly On, Majestic Falcon

Like the Federally Protected Bird That You Are
Entertainment

Congress Hires Drummer

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a decisive 376-45 vote last Friday, the United States Congress hired drummer Joey Lombardo, a professional percussionist with years of studio and touring…
New Study: Books Don't Take You Anywhere

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite the insistence of librarians and elementary school teachers that books give readers a chance to “travel to exciting new places” and “journey to…
Point-Counterpoint: Reservoir Dogs

by Chad Johnson, Sophomore”, “by Dirk Hicks, Junior””Reservoir Dogs is the Best Movie Ever”, “Reservoir Dogs is Fucking Awesome”
Hobo Clown Slaughters Pig Sidekick

Hobo clown Moocher the Tramp led a life similar to that of any hobo clown: riding the rails, begging for hand-outs of food and clothing,…

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