Claim: Vance’s first job was at a grocery store.
True: Vance has an unmistakable bag boy physique.

Claim: Kentucky and Ohio share a border.
True: We looked at a map and apparently this is true, but it still feels wrong.

Claim: Vance writes, “What separates the successful from the unsuccessful are the expectations they have for their own lives.”
False: The genetic marker for success is located in the q.7831.2 band of chromosome 17.

Claim: JD Vance feels empathy for Appalachian Americans.
Partially true: JD Vance only feels empathy for JD Vance.

Claim: Vance was deployed to Iraq as a Marine, but did not see combat.
False: Vance modestly plays down his record 448 confirmed kills.

Claim: Vance was the first member of his family to attend college.
True: But it was only Ohio State, so let’s not freak out about it.

Claim: Government assistance programs perpetuate a cycle of dependency.
False: Checks for $15 million from Peter Thiel do.

Claim: Vance was considered tall and handsome by classmates.
True: There is simply no reason anyone would lie about this.

Claim: JD Vance was the first woman to fly solo in an airplane.
False: Though this inaccuracy was due to a HarperCollins printing error.

Claim: Growing up poor helped JD Vance build character.
False: As demonstrated by the author’s career trajectory.

Claim: You read Hillbilly Elegy.
Partially true: You read an op-ed about Hillbilly Elegy.

The post Fact-Checking JD Vance’s ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ appeared first on The Onion.

Q: Where is the Gaza Strip?

A: Don’t worry about it. It won’t exist by the end of the week.

Q: How has the media approached the conflict? A: Swiftly and irresponsibly.

Q: How many people have died? A: That depends on whether you count Palestinian deaths as well.

Q: Am I allowed to be sad for all of the victims? A: Absolutely not. You have to pick a side.

Q: What’s been the international response? A: People across the world have contributed an outpouring of infographics.

Q: How has the United States responded? A: U.S. leaders reminded Americans that their nation has a responsibility to be a frothing worshipper at the altar of death.

Q: How is Israel working to avoid civilian casualties? A: Civilians in Gaza are being given the opportunity to be driven out of their homeland forever.

Q: Where can I learn more?A: This is a logistically and morally complex situation involving decades of recent history and thousands of years of context, so try your cousin’s Instagram stories.

Q: What lessons should I take from this conflict?A: That dehumanization begets dehumanization, terror begets terror, and none of us will be free until all of us are free; or, you know, that it might be easier to just look away.

The post What To Know About What’s Happening In Israel And Gaza appeared first on The Onion.

Q: What is PragerU’s main objective? A: To inspire the next generation of America’s insufferable relatives.

Q: What does the U stand for? A: Legally speaking, it can stand for anything except “university.”

Q: Who is their target demographic? A: Children ages 14 to 55.

Q: Does PragerU teach history based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based research?A: That’s the kind of question a Nazi would ask.

Q: Who is PragerU’s mascot? A: A slave who enjoys his working conditions.

Q: What subjects does PragerU teach? A: Economics, climate fraud, and introductory lib-owning.

Q: What’s stopping me from starting my own video education network for indoctrinating youth? A: Knowledge of Adobe Premiere.

Q: How does having PragerU in the classroom benefit teachers? A: Gives them time to study for their real-estate license.

Q: How are Democrats fighting back?A: They’re asking for more money than ever before.

Q: Isn’t this obvious right-wing propaganda? A: Yes, it’s a return to the classic 20th-century public school education.

The post What To Know About PragerU appeared first on The Onion.

Q: When did Burning Man start? A: The famously free-thinking, anti-establishment, peace-and-love year of 1986.

Q: What is the purpose of Burning Man?A: To give everyone in the participants’ lives a break from them for a week.

Q: What do people do at Burning Man? A: Talk about how they’re attending Burning Man.

Q: How does money work at Burning Man? A: Attendees reject traditional notions of capitalism, instead trading with goods they bought beforehand with their parents’ money.

Q: Has anyone ever died at Burning Man? A: The real question is has anyone truly lived before experiencing Burning Man?

Q: What is Burning Man’s ethos? A: The radical acceptance of all forms of self-expression that human life has to offer as long as it includes a valid ticket and parking pass.

Q: How does this year’s Burning Man compare to Woodstock ’99? A: It had roughly the same amount of mud but not nearly as much Limp Bizkit.

Q: Did anyone find my goggles? A: They are part of the playa now.

Q: Are future Burning Man gatherings at risk? A: Yes, if nothing changes there will likely be a Burning Man next year too.

The post What To Know About Burning Man appeared first on The Onion.

2.5 Million B.C.E.: Caveman first dunks head completely underwater.

1521: Ferdinand Magellan tries to measure the Pacific Ocean’s depth by throwing a 2,400-foot weighted line over the side of a boat, in what remains the safest-ever attempt at deep-sea exploration.

1818: Disappointed explorers obtain deep-sea worm and jellyfish specimens from depths of 6,500 feet that don’t even have weird eyes or teeth or anything..

1912: Titanic begins its maiden voyage from Southampton, England to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

1976: Shit, just seaweed.

1997: Box-office success of Titanic reminds public of existence of large bodies of water.

2001: World gets stoned and watches Blue Planet.

2014: Deepest-known point of Lake Tahoe discovered by Katie’s iPhone during bachelorette cruise.

2018: 8-year-old Riley Curtis shows his mom he can hold his breath underwater for 20 seconds.

2023: Five rich guys make a whoopsie-doopsie.

The post The History Of Deep-Sea Exploration appeared first on The Onion.

In Vitro Fertilization (IVF): A popular fertility treatment with a high rate of leading to infuriating conversations with your insurance company.

Preparing A Gift For Dionysus: Maybe the Greek god of fertility would enjoy a satchel of peaches.

Refurbished Uterus: Dealership covers service for two years or 50,000 miles.

Physical Manipulation Of The Penis: Men struggling to impregnate a partner sometimes have success with this method that leads to their penis hardening and ejecting a white liquid called “semen.”

Saying You’re Pro-Choice In Texas: State legislators recently passed a law that automatically deems you pregnant as soon as you utter this.

Wealth Accumulation: Just be rich enough, you’ll get a baby somehow.

Homemade Sperm Trap: The doctor squirts some apple cider vinegar up there, followed by a drop of liquid dish soap, and seals everything up with some plastic wrap. Then they poke several microscopic holes in the plastic wrap so the sperm can get into, but not out of, the uterus.

Knowing In Your Heart It’s The Right Time For A Child: Sometimes you just need a good attitude and a little bit of prayer.

Motivational Speech For Sperm: We don’t see 75 million sperm, we see a team.

Just Getting A Dog: Giving up on your dreams of parenthood is one of the fastest-growing fertility alternatives and a real burden lifted off your bank account.

The post The Onion’s Guide To Fertility Treatments appeared first on The Onion.

Q: What caused the bridge to collapse? A: It couldn’t take another day in Philadelphia.

Q: How long will it take to repair the damage?A: Roughly 100 years to go back in time and prevent America from becoming a totally car-dependent nation, plus 10 to 15 years for construction delays.

Q: What are some alternate travel routes that can be used instead? A: Officials recommend using Route 63 West, U.S. 1 South, or the official zip line that has been installed on either side of the collapsed bridge.

Q: How will this impact commuters? A: Travelers in the area should brace for forms of road rage never before seen on this earth.

Q: Should I cancel my plans to visit Philadelphia? A: Yes, but not because of this.

Q: Can a gasoline fire really melt steel girders? A: Oh boy, not this again.

Q: Will this lead to a significant investment increase in public transportation as a safe alternative to driving? A: No.

Q: How is Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg handling the situation? A: He’s refused to leave the highway’s side while it convalesces.

Q: Is this why all the drivers in the Philly area are irate and screaming? A: No, they were already doing that.

Q: Could this be a metaphor for the rot and decay at the heart of America? A: Probably, but it could just be a rebar thing.

The post What We Know About The I-95 Bridge Collapse appeared first on The Onion.

Seamless “Your iCloud storage is full” pop-up experience.

Hands-free to allow you to easily scroll on your iPhone.

Tailpipe for toxic exhaust.

Anti-theft PIN code melts wearer’s face after three failed login attempts.

360-degree infrared sensors notify user when nearby people are laughing at them.

Cupertino weather updates.

High-resolution screen lets user easily watch movies and TV from the comfort of their couch.

Spurts pus.

Up to two minutes of battery life.

An opportunity to experience the joy that only comes from it seeming like your boss and coworkers are inside your house.

The post Features Of The Apple Vision Pro appeared first on The Onion.

The post What’s In The Pentagon Report On UFOs appeared first on The Onion.

Q: Why is there a shortage of Adderall? A: Too many people in med school.

Q: What should I do if I can’t access the medicine I need? A: Don’t worry, it should only take 10 to 15 years for the free market to figure things out.

Q: Are the shortages hurting the pharmaceutical industry’s profits? A: No, no, nothing could ever hurt that.

Q: How is Congress working to solve this crisis? A: By advising Americans to be cautious when selecting a chronic illness or disability.

Q: Are there ways to lose weight without taking Ozempic? A: No.

Q: Does this mean prices for these drugs will go up?A: Yes, these shortages are great PR cover for massive price increases that would’ve happened anyway.

Q: Can I blame this on China or Russia?A: If that’s what you need.

Q: My insurance says they’ll only cover generics, but there are no generics left.A: Huh, what an odd coincidence.

Q: Seriously, though, where can I cop some Addy? A: Our boy Trent can hook you up.

The post What To Know About Shortages Of Adderall, Ozempic, And Other Medicines appeared first on The Onion.

Alma Mater: Tibet State.

Religion: Methodist.

Childhood Dream: To not be taken away from his parents at 2 years old.

Worst Past Life: Nine years as a sea cucumber.

Yoga Level: Beginner intermediate.

Association With NXIVM Sex Cult: Honored guest speaker.

Xbox Gamertag: HedShotzXXX.

Favorite Place To Vacation: Higher plane of existence.

Preferred Rating For Female Reincarnation: A solid 8.

Tongue Texture: A little dry.

The post Political Profile: The Dalai Lama appeared first on The Onion.