The post Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses appeared first on The Onion.

The post Clinic Closures Force More Rural Americans To Rely On Horse Who Stomps Twice When Patient Has Cancer appeared first on The Onion.

PRO

“Caracas” fun to say

Raises total number of countries Americans can name to respectable nine

Would be nice to invade somewhere warm for the holidays

Something to tide us over until war with China

CON

Kind of an inconvenient time

May have to come up with a reason for doing so

Don’t know how to roll our R’s

Kathryn Bigelow already won two Oscars

The post Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela appeared first on The Onion.

The post Vatican Formally Recognizes First Gen Z Demon appeared first on The Onion.

The post Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale appeared first on The Onion.

The post Utah Bans Eye Contact During Sex appeared first on The Onion.

The compound, called noroxone, was reportedly approved by the FDA as part of a broader effort to combat a surge in Narcan usage by vulnerable individuals who would have otherwise died. According to the manufacturer, the powerful opioid anti-antagonist is extremely fast-acting, and can re-depress the central nervous system and restore an overdose in just two to three minutes.

“Narcan use in this country is a major public health concern for Americans, who are often left watching helplessly as friends and loved ones succumb to the resuscitating effects of emergency care,” said FDA Commissioner Martin A. Makary, who called the drug an essential intervention in the global fight against harm reduction. “Once sprayed into the nostril, noroxone works quickly to free up opioid receptors in the brain, allowing compounds like heroin, fentanyl, oxycodone, hydrocodone, codeine, and morphine to reattach and fatally interrupt respiration.” 

Noroxone, soon to be available both over-the-counter and as a prescription, was developed in response to what is widely known as the “Narcan crisis,” a nationwide epidemic that began in 2016 and has tragically saved hundreds of thousands of lives each year. Health officials praised the FDA’s emergency authorization, which marks the first time an overdose reversal-reversal spray has been deemed effective and lethal enough to warrant widespread distribution. 

Advocates who work in the healthcare field and have seen the new drug’s high mortality rates firsthand have said the emergency medicine inhibitor should be a standard item included in first-aid kits, as readily available as defibrillators and fire extinguishers in public spaces like hotels, libraries, and schools.

“Everyone should keep noroxone on hand in case they encounter someone at risk of being saved from a drug overdose or getting the help they need,” said Aaron Lorenz, a Narcan prevention specialist in New Hampshire who teaches community members how to confidently intervene when a drug user appears to be regaining consciousness. “Even if a person is sitting up straight, totally responsive to stimuli like shaking and shouting, or even breathing normally—it’s not too late.” 

Added Lorenz, “With noroxone, anyone can end a life.”

The post FDA Approves New Drug  That Reverses Effects Of Narcan appeared first on The Onion.

At a press conference, Home-
land Security Secretary Kristi Noem said eligibility requirements that previously limited ICE applicants to the species Homo sapiens would now permit any animal to join, opening the door for countless birds, primates, and reptiles to participate in raids of immigrants’ workplaces, conduct ambushes at immigration courts, and pilot fast-track deportation flights to cooperating foreign countries.

“By removing restrictions on tentacles, hooves, talons, and the number of legs an applicant may possess, we’ve made it possible for countless nonhuman patriots to do their part cleaning up America’s streets,” said Noem, dressed in a pith helmet and ICE-emblazoned safari gear while flanked by a gorilla and an ostrich. “A bison can love its country just as much as any person, and if it wants to use its large, powerful horns to toss illegals into the back of a van, we say, ‘Welcome aboard.’ ”

“There are many kinds of patriots in this country, even if some of them can only communicate by hooting or growling,” Noem added.

ICE’s urgent need for new members is said to have led the agency to send recruiters to beaver dams, buzzard nests, and dank, bone-strewn caves across the country, where in a desperate effort to secure the personnel necessary to carry out their waves of deportations, they offer signing bonuses that range from logs full of termites to live salmon to carrion. Despite concerns from critics that most animals were unfit to wield life-or-death authority over a vulnerable populace, ICE officials claimed that an inability to experience human empathy was exactly the kind of quality they were looking for in their candidates.

“Morale is extremely low right now, and we’re frankly in no position to be picky about who we recruit,” said ICE chief of staff Jon Feere, adding that preferences for bipedal candidates with object permanence and opposable thumbs had become “a thing of the past” in the current political climate. “At the end of the day, what we need is more boots and talons and flippers on the ground. If a blue whale has a mouth big enough to detain a hundred illegals at a time, we’ll gladly hire it to help us take our country back.”

“Maybe if we’d been draping ostriches in body armor and sending them into sanctuary cities back in 2017, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in now,” Feere continued.

According to eyewitness accounts, packs of ICE animals participating in training exercises have become a common sight in immigrant communities, with these maneuvers often derailing when a rabid raccoon leaps onto an agent’s face or a grizzly bear mauls law enforcement officials. This has reportedly prompted undocumented civilians to stay off the streets for fear of being carried off in the jaws of vicious wolves or stuffed in a kangaroo’s pouch and spirited away to a shadowy detention facility. 

Despite sharing similar backgrounds, many of the most gung-ho among ICE’s new recruits seem unbothered that they themselves come from species not native to North America.

“Immigrants Moka tax dollars take, dirty country—cry Moka,” said Moka, a 5-year-old eastern lowland gorilla recently hired by ICE, who communicated with reporters via rudimentary sign language while hidden behind mirrored aviators and a Punisher skull neck gaiter. “Immigrants trouble devils. Smart Trump Moka helpful. Far immigrants. Far woke. Patriot gorilla true.”

“No country charity,” Moka went on, snorting and slapping the ground as she grew increasingly agitated. “ICE good. Stink crime. Moka America great make.”

The post Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE appeared first on The Onion.

At approximately 6:52 p.m., Dan and Jody Marshall noticed ripples forming in their water glasses, which were resting on a dining table that, unbeknownst to them, sat over the border of the state’s newly created 21st and 35th congressional districts. As the gerrymander drew closer, the increasingly violent tremors reportedly caused silverware to clatter and ceiling tiles to crumble, with the family members clinging desperately to each other until a massive rupture in the floor tore Dan away from his wife and daughters on the basis of perceived partisan affiliation.

“Sweetheart, hey, it’s okay—Daddy is apparently just seen as a safe right-leaning voter,” the 53-year- old father said to his daughter Emma, who began to scream as the gerrymander devastated the family’s home and created a three-foot-wide chasm that pulled him ever farther away. “It’s just because I’m a little more conservative than your mom. Don’t cry, baby. I’ll be okay.”

“Now, get out of here, before it’s too late!” he added, tearing up as the encircling powers of redistricting  separated him from the rest of his family forever. 

Witnesses indicated that as the electoral abyss grew large enough to swallow their home, the remaining family members rushed to their front lawn, where they watched as the widening fissures isolated their horrified Hispanic neighbors, swallowed pets, and cleaved their suburb into demographically aligned districts in an effort to secure five additional seats for Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives.

According to sources, Jody Marshall and her children then sped away in their Range Rover with the electoral boundaries behind them cracking through the asphalt of downtown San Antonio and cleaving a left-leaning 20th district from a solidly Republican 21st. In the process, the legislative force reportedly zigzagged through a Baptist church, encircled a historically Black neighborhood, and then cut a seemingly endless abyss into San Antonio’s Riverwalk, consuming several dozen pedestrians and shoppers as part of a wider effort to ensure no more than eight of the deep red state’s 38 House seats remained in Democratic hands.

“Keep driving, goddammit! This thing is right on our asses,” teenager Karyn Marshall screamed at her mother as they turned onto Interstate 410 and a powerful gerrymander rushed closely behind them, tearing down exploding power lines, bisecting a water tower, and forcing an 18-wheeler to overturn in its tenacious pursuit of a decisive Republican advantage. “Turn left here at the off ramp to Alamo Heights! There! There, for Christ’s sake.”

“If we don’t get to a Republican district soon, it’ll swallow us whole,” she continued. 

Since the Texas State Legislature approved redrawn electoral maps in late August, small tremors have been reported as far north as Plano, TX, with window panes shaking and hundreds of rattled wild horses, bobcats, and white-tailed deer running into oncoming traffic. But this week, witnesses began to notice cracks “at least 10 feet wide” emanating from the Capitol building in Austin and proceeding south, west, and east as they divided up the state on racial, ethnic, and ideological lines. 

Currently, much of the Houston, Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas metropolitan areas lay in ruins, with rapidly spreading gerrymanders reportedly tearing apart friends, families, and church groups, and overwhelmed rescue crews struggling to assist a state ravaged by the electoral scheme urged by the U.S. Department of Justice.

“Big WIN for the Great State of Texas!!!” President Trump wrote in a Truth Social post published in response to the devastation that left 35 dead and 828 injured. “We’re on our way to FIVE more Congressional seats and saving your Rights, your Freedoms, and your Country itself. Texas never lets us down!” 

“Florida, Indiana, and others, you’re next!” Trump added. 

At press time, experts warned that three separate gerrymanders were encircling the Comanche Nuclear Power Plant outside Fort Worth.

The post Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House appeared first on The Onion.

Hang onto them for Christmas stocking stuffers.

Provide any uneaten turkey to PETA for resuscitation.

By whisking a couple of eggs into your leftovers, you can make them grosser.

Apply gravy to hinges, window frames, and moving machine parts.

Leftover pie can easily be repurposed as pie.

Once those biscuits get hard, they’ll be ripe for chuckin’.

Casserole waste can be safely recycled at your local Best Buy.

Completely ignore a food pantry’s donation guidelines and leave your leftovers there.

Remember, raccoon Thanksgiving is Monday.

The post Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers appeared first on The Onion.

The post Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out appeared first on The Onion.