Basketball Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/sports/basketball/ America’s Finest News Source Mon, 17 Nov 2025 19:05:14 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/cropped-site-icon.png?w=32 Basketball Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/sports/basketball/ 32 32 234789167 NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally https://theonion.com/nba-reaffirms-commitment-to-gamblers-only-ruining-their-lives-legally/ Mon, 03 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851692617 NEW YORK—Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. “When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up […]

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NEW YORK—Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. “When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up their lives and those of their loved ones through the proper, lawful channels,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver, emphasizing the league’s zero-tolerance policy for any ill-advised wagers that lead to the bettor’s total financial devastation but aren’t made through a licensed online or brick-and-mortar sportsbook. “Look, if you’re going to liquidate your daughter’s college fund in order to finance a long-shot parlay on the Pelicans, or take out a high-interest credit line using your brother’s restaurant as collateral to cover another week of haphazardly placed lightning bets, do it in an above-board manner through one of the numerous sportsbooks with which the NBA has established partnerships bringing in hundreds of millions of dollars annually. If you’re making a series of increasingly reckless wagers that leaves you destitute, penniless, and alienated from everyone who once loved you, fine, but it needs to be within the full letter of the law. No exceptions.” Silver added that any individuals looking to develop a lifelong gambling compulsion through officially sanctioned channels could obtain up to $300 in bonus cash on DraftKings using the promotional code SHAQATTACK.

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Giannis Antetokounmpo Panicking After Waking Up 3-Foot-2 https://theonion.com/giannis-antetokounmpo-panicking-after-waking-up-3-foot-2/ Wed, 22 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691619 MILWAUKEE—Staring down in utter terror at his suddenly oversized pajamas, Milwaukee Bucks power forward Giannis Antetokounmpo reportedly panicked Wednesday after waking up 3-foot-2. “Oh, no, this is bad—this is really, really bad,” the nine-time NBA all-star said as he jumped up and down to glimpse his diminutive form in a mirror, wondering aloud in a […]

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MILWAUKEE—Staring down in utter terror at his suddenly oversized pajamas, Milwaukee Bucks power forward Giannis Antetokounmpo reportedly panicked Wednesday after waking up 3-foot-2. “Oh, no, this is bad—this is really, really bad,” the nine-time NBA all-star said as he jumped up and down to glimpse his diminutive form in a mirror, wondering aloud in a voice two octaves higher than normal how he could possibly play in the Bucks’ regular season opener against the Wizards later that day. “This is the worst thing that could’ve happened to me, and at the worst possible time! I was 6-foot-11 when I went to bed last night. What the heck happened? My teammates are counting on me to be tall!” At press time, Antetokounmpo was seen stuffing his size-16 shoes with newspaper and gelling his hair extra high in hopes of making himself look tall enough that no one would notice.

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Victor Wembanyama Reports To Training Camp Having Added 25 Pounds Of Hair https://theonion.com/victor-wembanyama-reports-to-training-camp-having-added-25-pounds-of-hair/ Mon, 29 Sep 2025 18:56:28 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691299 SAN ANTONIO—Demonstrating his commitment to entering the season in peak physical form, Spurs center Victor Wembanyama reported to training camp Monday having packed on 25 pounds of dense, towering hair. “The coaching staff wanted me to bulk up over the offseason, and growing tons of hair was the best way to put on weight without […]

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SAN ANTONIO—Demonstrating his commitment to entering the season in peak physical form, Spurs center Victor Wembanyama reported to training camp Monday having packed on 25 pounds of dense, towering hair. “The coaching staff wanted me to bulk up over the offseason, and growing tons of hair was the best way to put on weight without affecting my agility,” said Wembanyama, flaunting the colossal, 3-foot-tall mass of hair, which functionally brings his height up to 10-foot-3 and greatly improves his vertical reach and defensive utility. “I have to use a lot of shampoo now, but I think this hair weight will really allow me to take my game to the next level. I can probably set a screen on an entire defense just by shaking my head around. I can block shots I’m not even looking at.” At press time, witnesses marveled as the all-star used his hair to tip a half-court lob directly into the basket.

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Record-Breaking Number Of Viewers Now Following WNBA Players Home https://theonion.com/record-breaking-number-of-viewers-now-following-wnba-players-home/ Thu, 28 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851690135 The post Record-Breaking Number Of Viewers Now Following WNBA Players Home appeared first on The Onion.

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WNBA Agrees To End Disparity Between Men’s, Women’s Fines https://theonion.com/wnba-agrees-to-end-disparity-between-mens-womens-fines/ Thu, 21 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851689668 NEW YORK—In a landmark move to address longstanding gender inequities in professional basketball, league officials announced this week that the WNBA would now fine players just as much as their male counterparts in the NBA. “For too long, women have received financial penalties that are only a fraction of those received by men who break […]

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NEW YORK—In a landmark move to address longstanding gender inequities in professional basketball, league officials announced this week that the WNBA would now fine players just as much as their male counterparts in the NBA. “For too long, women have received financial penalties that are only a fraction of those received by men who break the very same rules,” said commissioner Cathy Engelbert, calling the new equal-opportunity fee structure a long overdue victory for the players, who despite being maligned and grossly under-compensated had brought enormous growth to the women’s game in recent years. “Effectively immediately, WNBA players will be given the exact same fines, whether it’s $50,000 for wearing a shirt emblazoned with profane language or $25,000 for retweeting a post criticizing referees. This is a huge step forward for fairness in the sport. From now on, it doesn’t matter if you’re LeBron James or an Indiana Fever rookie making $66,000 a year, because everyone will be treated as equals when their league is seeking punitive damages. These women were not being shown the respect they deserved when they were receiving a mere $200 in fines for a uniform infraction, but I’m proud they’ll finally be recognized as the world-class athletes they are.” Reached for comment, WNBA players said they did not have time to talk because they were in the middle of a shift waiting tables.

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Mavericks GM Trades Away All Of Team’s Basketballs https://theonion.com/mavericks-gm-trades-away-all-of-teams-basketballs/ Tue, 29 Jul 2025 19:36:22 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851688520 DALLAS—In a move already being described as one of the most surprising transactions in NBA history, Dallas Mavericks general manager Nico Harrison confirmed Tuesday that he had traded all of the team’s basketballs to the Brooklyn Nets in exchange for cash considerations. “Sometimes you have to make hard decisions to position your franchise for success, […]

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DALLAS—In a move already being described as one of the most surprising transactions in NBA history, Dallas Mavericks general manager Nico Harrison confirmed Tuesday that he had traded all of the team’s basketballs to the Brooklyn Nets in exchange for cash considerations. “Sometimes you have to make hard decisions to position your franchise for success, and we felt that parting with our entire inventory of basketballs was the right call for the future of this organization,” Harrison said at a press conference during which he repeatedly emphasized the long-term value of “creating space, ball-wise” and defended his choice to include a conditional 2027 first-round draft pick to complete the deal. “Asset flexibility in this league is more important than ever, and when we saw an opportunity to offload all of our basketballs, we couldn’t say no. We wish the basketballs all the best in Brooklyn.” At press time, many Mavericks fans were taking to social media to lament the fact that the basketballs would be spending their best bouncing years with another club.

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WNBA To Expand Into 3 More Cities As Caitlin Clark Cloning Experiment Nears Completion https://theonion.com/wnba-to-expand-into-3-more-cities-as-caitlin-clark-cloning-experiment-nears-completion/ Wed, 02 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851687297 NEW YORK—Calling it a “historic moment” in women’s basketball history, the WNBA announced Wednesday that the league would expand into three more cities as its Caitlin Clark cloning experiment neared completion. “Soon, Cleveland, Detroit, and Philadelphia will reap the rewards of our effort to bioengineer several perfect replicas of Caitlin Clark,” said WNBA commissioner Cathy […]

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NEW YORK—Calling it a “historic moment” in women’s basketball history, the WNBA announced Wednesday that the league would expand into three more cities as its Caitlin Clark cloning experiment neared completion. “Soon, Cleveland, Detroit, and Philadelphia will reap the rewards of our effort to bioengineer several perfect replicas of Caitlin Clark,” said WNBA commissioner Cathy Engelbert, adding that the league would have the capacity to populate 18 teams with exact genetic copies of the point guard once the clones were finally done incubating. “Fans all over the United States and Canada will be able to watch dozens of Clarkoids that have been grown in a vat of nutrient-rich solutions housed deep beneath the WNBA’s headquarters. And by 2030, we hope to launch even more teams filled with opposing clones of Angel Reese.” At press time, the WNBA had paused their new franchises after an entire team of Caitlin Clark replicas spontaneously began vomiting blood and exploding into piles of viscera just a few minutes into their debut exhibition game.

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State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization https://theonion.com/state-department-designates-wnba-as-terrorist-organization/ Mon, 19 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851684492 WASHINGTON—Promising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as a terrorist organization. According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, the organization has as many as 156 terrorists spread across 13 known cells in the United States, and several of […]

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WASHINGTON—Promising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as a terrorist organization.

According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, the organization has as many as 156 terrorists spread across 13 known cells in the United States, and several of its members can be tied directly to the notorious acts of basketball carried out last year at the Paris Olympics. Rubio confirmed the terror group also includes foreign-born nationals from countries such as Croatia, Cameroon, Brazil, and Hungary, giving it devastating reach both at home and abroad.

“Their radical anti-American ideology is centered on the empowerment of girls and women,” said Rubio, who stressed that the group’s members are easily recognizable by their signature uniform of sleeveless jerseys and nylon shorts. “The WNBA is a danger not just to this nation, but the entire globe. They won’t stop until every woman on the planet believes they can do anything they want, on the court and off.”

“The United States will defeat the WNBA,” he added. “Make no mistake: If you wage women’s basketball in America, you will be held accountable.”

Key leaders of the terrorist organization were identified as A’ja Wilson, 28, of Paradise, NV; Arike Ogunbowale, 28, of Arlington, TX; Angel Reese, 22, of Chicago; and Caitlin Clark, 23, last seen in Indianapolis. In addition, the FBI named 42-year-old Diana Taurasi as a senior ranking member who is believed to have helped lead the organization for 20 years, but whose current whereabouts are unknown.

While much about the organization remains a mystery to them, federal officials say they have begun piecing together details about how the WNBA operates.

FBI director Kash Patel said his agency’s Counterterrorism Division has been monitoring the WNBA’s associates and activities for decades. He shared footage from a video intercepted by U.S. intelligence officers that shows the fundamentalist group’s members at a training camp where they appear to be running drills and shooting.

“These are strong, incredibly skilled individuals capable of staying coolheaded under intense, high-pressure situations,” said Patel, who told reporters that many of the terrorists have trained overseas in Europe. “Don’t underestimate these zealots. From watching tape of them at work, I can tell you they’re ruthless, highly coordinated, and hell-bent on advancing the goals of the WNBA.”

A poll conducted by the Pew Research Center found that 56% of Americans considered the WNBA a critical threat to the United States.

“Their demands for equality and respect are absolutely chilling,” said 38-year-old Madeline Hagan, a mother and sales executive from Naples, FL, and one of the many poll respondents who described themselves as “very worried” by the threat of women’s basketball. “I have young daughters. I don’t want them being radicalized. Who knows what kinds of barriers WNBA leaders could be planning to destroy?”

Patel emphasized that although the group has been emboldened in recent years and their number of fanatical supporters is rapidly growing, federal agents would come down on WNBA abettors with “the full force of the law.” The FBI chief vowed that any person who provided “material support or resources” to the organization would be charged in accordance with the Antiterrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act, which was enacted on Apr. 24, 1996, in response to the founding of the WNBA on the same date.

“Whether they provide transportation and lodging or financial support in the form of ticket sales, merchandise sales, and brand partnerships, individuals who knowingly assist the WNBA may face up to 20 years in federal prison,” said Patel, who pointed to the Justice Department’s open case against Skims, the official underwear partner of the WNBA. “There will be zero tolerance for WNBA supporters within our great nation’s borders.”

“If you want to cheer on the disturbing acts of Chennedy Carter, you will do so from behind bars,” he added.

Rubio warned of the danger of the WNBA’s international alliances, stating that they have ties to the foreign terrorist organizations EuroLeague Women and the Women’s Chinese Basketball Association. He told reporters that one member, Brittney Griner, a 34-year-old WNBA operative first drafted by the militant organization in 2013, spent nine months in Russia in 2022.

“What could she possibly have been doing there for 293 days?” Rubio asked. “Rest assured, we will get to the bottom of it. And when we catch up to her, she’ll wish she had never come back to the United States.”

At press time, the FBI announced that it had foiled a disturbing WNBA plot to converge at arenas nationwide starting May 16, when tens of thousands of Americans were expected to be present.

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JuJu Watkins Sprains Bun https://theonion.com/juju-watkins-sprains-bun/ Mon, 24 Mar 2025 20:47:15 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851681851 LOS ANGELES—In what could prove a devastating loss for the top-seeded Big Ten team, University of Southern California star JuJu Watkins reportedly strained her bun Monday during the opening game of the NCAA Women’s March Madness tournament. “While we don’t yet know the extent of the damage, JuJu is scheduled to receive an extensive MRI […]

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LOS ANGELES—In what could prove a devastating loss for the top-seeded Big Ten team, University of Southern California star JuJu Watkins reportedly strained her bun Monday during the opening game of the NCAA Women’s March Madness tournament. “While we don’t yet know the extent of the damage, JuJu is scheduled to receive an extensive MRI of her hair this afternoon,” USC head coach Lindsay Gottlieb said during a press conference, discussing her controversial decision to put Watkins back in the game despite an injury that caused the 19-year-old guard to wince and collapse to the ground while clutching her signature updo. “As soon as JuJu tweaked her bun, trainers rushed onto the court and were able to stabilize it with a brace. Hopefully, with ice, hairspray, and firm-hold styling gel, she should be able to maintain her hairstyle for the rest of the tournament.” At press time, Watkins had reportedly been cleared to play tonight so long as she covered her bun with a hat.

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Washington Wizards Reminded That Bottled Water In Hotel Room Isn’t Free https://theonion.com/washington-wizards-reminded-that-bottled-water-in-hotel-room-isnt-free/ Mon, 24 Feb 2025 16:43:22 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851678606 ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that he absolutely would not tolerate another away game that ended with over $200 in room charges, Washington Wizards coach Brian Keefe reportedly reminded his team Sunday that the bottled water in their hotel wasn’t free. “I know they don’t have a price tag on them, but any water bottles in or around the mini […]

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ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that he absolutely would not tolerate another away game that ended with over $200 in room charges, Washington Wizards coach Brian Keefe reportedly reminded his team Sunday that the bottled water in their hotel wasn’t free. “I know they don’t have a price tag on them, but any water bottles in or around the mini fridge are strictly off-limits,” Keefe said to all 18 of his players, adding that while the players were not to drink the Evian water on their nightstands, they were more than welcome to bring their Nalgenes and use the refilling station down the hall or use a glass to drink water from the tap in their bathroom. “I realize you guys didn’t know any better last time around, but each of those Toblerones is, like, $10. Also, don’t let the hotel staff see [team scoring leader] Jordan [Poole]. You might be sleeping three to a bed, but it’s cheaper if they only know about two.” According to reports, Keefe also told the players to eat as much as they could at the hotel’s complimentary continental breakfast because they wouldn’t be eating again until dinner.

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NBA Team Physicians Admit They Only Know Medical Stuff About Legs https://theonion.com/nba-team-physicians-admit-they-only-know-medical-stuff-about-legs/ Wed, 08 Jan 2025 15:10:20 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851676421 NEW YORK—Addressing reporters during the league’s annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited to the legs. “To be completely honest, we mostly just have expertise on the stuff that matters for our players—namely, the two legs,” said Brooklyn Nets medical director Harold Riley, […]

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NEW YORK—Addressing reporters during the league’s annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited to the legs. “To be completely honest, we mostly just have expertise on the stuff that matters for our players—namely, the two legs,” said Brooklyn Nets medical director Harold Riley, explaining that the NBA has approximately 125 team physicians, all of whom are pretty much clueless about anything going on above the waistline. “You’ve got a torn ACL? We’re going to be able to help you. But we only have a vague idea what the deal is with toes. Everything in the chest is a total mystery. Presumably there are bones and stuff. And maybe arms are kind of like shorter, stubbier legs? But I wouldn’t really feel confident saying either way.” Riley added that many team physicians actually divide responsibilities with a colleague so that each can focus solely on the study of either the left or the right leg.

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Cooper Flagg Out 2 Weeks Due To Family Trip To Hilton Head https://theonion.com/cooper-flagg-out-2-weeks-due-to-family-trip-to-hilton-head/ Tue, 07 Jan 2025 19:41:42 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851676419 DURHAM, NC—Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two weeks due to a family trip to Hilton Head Island. “I really want to be there for all my Duke teammates, but this is something we’ve had planned for months,” […]

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DURHAM, NC—Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two weeks due to a family trip to Hilton Head Island. “I really want to be there for all my Duke teammates, but this is something we’ve had planned for months,” said the 18-year-old NBA prospect, who stood on the curb outside his dorm wearing a backpack and holding a pillow as he waited for his parents to pick him up. “We take a beach trip every year. It’s kind of a big deal, so I can’t miss it. The hotel’s already booked. Plus, it will be good to see Grandma. I’d like to get back to the court as quickly as possible, but it might be kind of tricky considering my Mom scheduled a sunset dolphin cruise for the last day.” At press time, Flagg added that he might return an extra day late if he was sunburned and feeling tired.

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