Obituaries Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/local/obituaries/ America’s Finest News Source Wed, 03 Dec 2025 17:59:39 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/cropped-site-icon.png?w=32 Obituaries Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/local/obituaries/ 32 32 234789167 Mike Gomez https://theonion.com/mike-gomez/ Thu, 04 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851694305 Mike Gomez, 50, died Friday after learning that even a saltwater crocodile can be pushed too far.

The post Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.

]]> Mike Gomez, 50, died Friday after learning that even a saltwater crocodile can be pushed too far.

The post Mike Gomez appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851694305 Francine Holmes https://theonion.com/francine-holmes/ Tue, 02 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693929 Francine Holmes, 73, passed away Wednesday after three hours of successful surgery followed by four hours of unsuccessful surgery.

The post Francine Holmes appeared first on The Onion.

]]> Francine Holmes, 73, passed away Wednesday after three hours of successful surgery followed by four hours of unsuccessful surgery.

The post Francine Holmes appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851693929 Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician https://theonion.com/divisio-the-malevolent-mathgician/ Fri, 14 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693186 The citizens of Algebrania let out a mighty cheer after the wicked sorcerer Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician, 3,500, was turned to dust by seventh grader Ben Louise correctly multiplying the denominators.

The post Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician appeared first on The Onion.

]]> The citizens of Algebrania let out a mighty cheer after the wicked sorcerer Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician, 3,500, was turned to dust by seventh grader Ben Louise correctly multiplying the denominators.

The post Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851693186 Sarah Carney https://theonion.com/sarah-carney/ Thu, 13 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693113 Sarah Carney, 64, died peacefully last weekend. In lieu of flowers, the family asks if you would mind picking up one of her legs and lifting her body together on the count of three.

The post Sarah Carney appeared first on The Onion.

]]> Sarah Carney, 64, died peacefully last weekend. In lieu of flowers, the family asks if you would mind picking up one of her legs and lifting her body together on the count of three.

The post Sarah Carney appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851693113 Hannah Pike https://theonion.com/hannah-pike/ Fri, 07 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851692963 Hannah Pike, 27, died Monday after learning it was indeed that kind of cult.

The post Hannah Pike appeared first on The Onion.

]]> Hannah Pike, 27, died Monday after learning it was indeed that kind of cult.

The post Hannah Pike appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851692963 Bob Qualley https://theonion.com/bob-qualley/ Wed, 05 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851692808 Bob Qualley, 72, learned the hard way the dangers of juggling snakes.

The post Bob Qualley appeared first on The Onion.

]]> Bob Qualley, 72, learned the hard way the dangers of juggling snakes.

The post Bob Qualley appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851692808 Richard Blakely https://theonion.com/richard-blakely/ Fri, 10 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691805 Despite his family’s pleading, Richard Blakely died at age 82 on the nice rug.

The post Richard Blakely appeared first on The Onion.

]]> Despite his family’s pleading, Richard Blakely died at age 82 on the nice rug.

The post Richard Blakely appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851691805 Randy Faber https://theonion.com/randy-faber/ Wed, 08 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691676 Randy Faber, 49, died Saturday after a horn impaling his chest confirmed his severe rhino allergy.

The post Randy Faber appeared first on The Onion.

]]> Randy Faber, 49, died Saturday after a horn impaling his chest confirmed his severe rhino allergy.

The post Randy Faber appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851691676 Leonard Hendrick https://theonion.com/leonard-hendrick/ Fri, 03 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691552 The widow of the recently deceased Leonard Hendrick, 66, would like all single men in the community to know that her husband died and she is ready to move on.

The post Leonard Hendrick appeared first on The Onion.

]]> The widow of the recently deceased Leonard Hendrick, 66, would like all single men in the community to know that her husband died and she is ready to move on.

The post Leonard Hendrick appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851691552 Gail Barnsom https://theonion.com/gail-barnsom/ Wed, 01 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691490 Gail Barnsom, 74, tragically lost her battle with escalators Thursday.

The post Gail Barnsom appeared first on The Onion.

]]> Gail Barnsom, 74, tragically lost her battle with escalators Thursday.

The post Gail Barnsom appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851691490 Benjamin Yates https://theonion.com/benjamin-yates/ Fri, 19 Sep 2025 16:47:24 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691025 Benjamin Yates passed away tragically at age 53, leaving a gaping hole in his local community and torso.

The post Benjamin Yates appeared first on The Onion.

]]> Benjamin Yates passed away tragically at age 53, leaving a gaping hole in his local community and torso.

The post Benjamin Yates appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851691025 That Fucker https://theonion.com/that-fucker/ Wed, 17 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851690867 That fucker, aged who the fuck cares, finally kicked the bucket Monday, that prick. After living a no-good waste of a life, family and friends are invited to say good riddance, you sorry piece of shit.

The post That Fucker appeared first on The Onion.

]]> That fucker, aged who the fuck cares, finally kicked the bucket Monday, that prick. After living a no-good waste of a life, family and friends are invited to say good riddance, you sorry piece of shit.

The post That Fucker appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851690867