Weddings Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/local/weddings/ America’s Finest News Source Tue, 09 Dec 2025 16:38:23 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/cropped-site-icon.png?w=32 Weddings Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/local/weddings/ 32 32 234789167 Harris Thompson and Brad Chase https://theonion.com/harris-thompson-and-brad-chase/ Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851694698 Guests spent the evening wondering why, if Chase’s family is so loaded, there’s only one guy working behind the bar.

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]]> Guests spent the evening wondering why, if Chase’s family is so loaded, there’s only one guy working behind the bar.

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]]> 1851694698 Reyna Cobb and Luke Butler https://theonion.com/reyna-cobb-and-luke-butler/ Fri, 05 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851694464 The bride and groom want to call what happened on Saturday a wedding, but it wasn’t even in a church—and they both wore tennis shoes!

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]]> The bride and groom want to call what happened on Saturday a wedding, but it wasn’t even in a church—and they both wore tennis shoes!

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]]> 1851694464 Elisa Geoffries and Daniel Walter https://theonion.com/elisa-geoffries-and-daniel-walter/ Wed, 03 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693977 After years of planning their wedding, the pair were united in marriage within an hour of the bride being legally able to consent.

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]]> After years of planning their wedding, the pair were united in marriage within an hour of the bride being legally able to consent.

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]]> 1851693977 Sloan Wyckoff and Rowan Bishop https://theonion.com/sloan-wyckoff-and-rowan-bishop/ Fri, 14 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693183 The brides wrote their own vows in what turned out to be a generative fiction-writing prompt.

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]]> The brides wrote their own vows in what turned out to be a generative fiction-writing prompt.

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]]> 1851693183 Betty Greenberg and Stephen Harold https://theonion.com/betty-greenberg-and-stephen-harold/ Thu, 13 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693116 So many musicians were hired for this pair’s lavish wedding band that a new instrument had to be invented called the harmoniaphone.

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]]> So many musicians were hired for this pair’s lavish wedding band that a new instrument had to be invented called the harmoniaphone.

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]]> 1851693116 Carl Brooks and Evan Perth https://theonion.com/carl-brooks-and-evan-perth/ Thu, 06 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851692887 The happy couple held an elaborate reception for their closest loved ones and a handful of people they’ll point to in photos years from now wondering who the fuck they even are.

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]]> The happy couple held an elaborate reception for their closest loved ones and a handful of people they’ll point to in photos years from now wondering who the fuck they even are.

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]]> 1851692887 Regina Lundell and Mark Francis https://theonion.com/regina-lundell-and-mark-francis/ Tue, 04 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851692779 Opposites attract, and that’s never been more true than in the whirlwind romance of Lundell, a UX guru, and Francis, whose background is more B2C performance marketing.

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]]> Opposites attract, and that’s never been more true than in the whirlwind romance of Lundell, a UX guru, and Francis, whose background is more B2C performance marketing.

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]]> 1851692779 Carlie Beams and Drew Jones https://theonion.com/carlie-beams-and-drew-jones/ Thu, 09 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691719 Six years from now, almost to the day, the blushing bride Carlie Beams and joyful groom Drew Jones will be fighting to the death for sole custody over a cat.

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]]> Six years from now, almost to the day, the blushing bride Carlie Beams and joyful groom Drew Jones will be fighting to the death for sole custody over a cat.

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]]> 1851691719 Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak https://theonion.com/baines-wright-iii-and-carter-nowak/ Tue, 07 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691631 The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations for the new couple.

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]]> The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations for the new couple.

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]]> 1851691631 Mommy and Mommy’s Friend Luke https://theonion.com/mommy-and-mommys-friend-luke/ Thu, 02 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691514 Mommy and Luke had such a fun time on their cruise that they decided to get married and Luke is going to live here with us! Isn’t that exciting?

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]]> Mommy and Luke had such a fun time on their cruise that they decided to get married and Luke is going to live here with us! Isn’t that exciting?

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]]> 1851691514 Caleb Marks and Tiffany Williamson https://theonion.com/caleb-marks-and-tiffany-williamson/ Tue, 30 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691405 Caleb Marks and Teresa Williamson began their life together with the bride blissfully unaware mortgage lenders calculate rates on the lower of the couple’s two credit scores.

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]]> Caleb Marks and Teresa Williamson began their life together with the bride blissfully unaware mortgage lenders calculate rates on the lower of the couple’s two credit scores.

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]]> 1851691405 Luna Fisher and Oliver Cox https://theonion.com/luna-fisher-and-oliver-cox/ Wed, 17 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851690860 Spirited away by carriage under cover of night, the two lovers were wed deep in the forest by an unfrocked priest.

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]]> Spirited away by carriage under cover of night, the two lovers were wed deep in the forest by an unfrocked priest.

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