Real Estate Archives - The Onion

As Featured In Film

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

The actual house where Illinois State University sophomores Andy Webber and Tina Gomez shot their 19-minute student film, Rest In Pete.

Reference #90835

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Great Home For Hand Soap

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

This 3-by-4-inch plastic dish is a perfect place for you to sleep and live if you are a block of hand soap. If you are not a block of hand soap, this would likely not be a good place for you, unfortunately. Contact now!

Reference #57675

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Look Who You’ve Become

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

You used to dream of couch-surfing across the world, untethered and unbothered, and now here you are, seriously considering an HOA townhouse.

Reference #17806

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Haunted By Teenager Learning To Play Drums

The Onion Staff — Mon, 01 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

This two-bedroom ranch-style house will gradually become more livable as the ghost finds his rhythm.

Reference #37290

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Crenellated Aesthetic

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

For those who know what “crenellated” means, like we do, this house has it (or them). Crenels here, crenels there. Just a ton of that good stuff.

Reference #49308

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Dad’s House

The Onion Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

It’s Dad’s weekend. Try to make him feel like you want to be there.

Reference #19887

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Oh, So They Have MONEY-Money

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

This five-year-old listing of your new acquaintance’s house should immediately confirm any suspicions.

Reference #66873

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Pizza’s Been Delivered Here Before

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Pizzas from both large chains and local restaurants have successfully found their way to this three-bedroom, two-bath home, so that much is set.

Reference #24350

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Not 200 Yards Away From The Dog Park

The Onion Staff — Wed, 08 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

Listen, no one’s trying to broadcast private details about your life to the whole world, but you should know that living here would absolutely violate the terms of your plea agreement.

Reference #18793

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Wouldst This Suit M’Lord?

The Onion Staff — Mon, 06 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

Tis a humble and rudely constructed domicile, true, but ’tis warm and dry, and there be space enough to lay your head on some flax and pass an evening’s time.

Reference #35615

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Window Ajar

The Onion Staff — Wed, 01 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

This picturesque luxury cottage is available free of charge until the family that owns it gets back from their trip to Montauk.

Reference #07965

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Spooky Tax Evasion House

The Onion Staff — Mon, 29 Sep 2025 13:34:28 +0000

Live in the very house where a man failed to pay $200,000 in taxes over 10 years…if you dare!

Reference #29301

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