American Voices Archives - The Onion

Golden Globes Introduces Best Podcast Category

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Dec 2025 19:08:44 +0000

The Golden Globe Awards announced the addition of a new best podcast category, with the inaugural nominees avoiding podcasts that are controversial and politically charged. What do you think?

“I got into podcasting because I’m an idiot, not for accolades.”
Lou Farmer, Embroidery Enthusiast

“Now there’s a new way for podcasters to be losers.”
Aaron Barsanti, Hubcap Shiner

“If I wanted to hear friends banter for 45 minutes, I would just make friends.”
Philippa Thorpe, Composting Advocate

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Fabergé Egg Recovered After Being Swallowed By Thief

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Dec 2025 21:04:32 +0000

Police in New Zealand recovered a rare $19,000 Fabergé egg pendant swallowed by an alleged thief, with the pendant exiting his body naturally after six days of around-the-clock monitoring. What do you think?

“Maybe his body produced it naturally.”
Summer Aronson, Unemployed

“I thought anything you could swallow was free.”
Ken Bickel, Photograph Blurrer

“Shake him around and see what else falls out.”
Alan Osorio, Tea Pourer

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Multiple Countries Boycott Eurovision Over Israel’s Participation

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 22:07:09 +0000

Several European broadcasters including Ireland, Spain, and the Netherlands announced a boycott of the 2026 Eurovision Song Contest after Israel was allowed to participate, arguing it’s inappropriate given the humanitarian suffering in Gaza. What do you think?

“What if Israel is planning to sing an apology song?”
Rhiannon Salkin, Systems Analyst

“Big deal, I’ve been accidentally boycotting Eurovision my whole life.”
Vikram Joshi, Cupcake Froster

“I can’t in good conscience watch Eurovision regardless of who’s performing.”
Abe Ellsworth, Sandwich Modifier

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Hollywood Films Increasingly Funded By Saudi Arabia

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 17:07:48 +0000

Hollywood is increasingly looking to Saudi Arabia for financing as other sources of money have dried up in the aftermath of the Covid-19 pandemic, though the kingdom’s controversial human rights record makes the relationship potentially problematic. What do you think?

“Let’s see movie critics try and leave a bad review now.”
Trevor Hopkins, Credibility Appraiser

“Do we want a ‘Space Jam 3’ or not?”
Miles Kempfer, Whistle Tester

“So now when I burn fossil fuels, I’m supporting the arts.”
Robin Westrick, Solutions Specialist

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Malaysia Bans Social Media For Children Under 16

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 20:26:43 +0000

Starting in 2026, Malaysia will ban social media accounts for anyone under 16, joining other countries such as Australia in imposing digital age limits. What do you think?

“Man, pedophiles just can’t catch a break.”
Madison Herczeg, Gorilla Groomer

“I guess I’ll have to start meeting underage kids the old fashioned way.”
Derek Wilgus, Retired Tourist

“Can Malaysia afford to fall behind in teenage depression?”
Jimbo Loftin, Salt Packager

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Japanese Company Unveils Human Washing Machine

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 17:26:17 +0000

A Japanese tech firm has developed a capsule-style human washing machine, which is able to automatically wash and dry a person. What do you think?

“It’s nice to see real innovation in drowning.”
Joshua Gibson, Salami Slicer

“Thanks, but my dishwasher already gets me spotless.”
Astrid Thackorie, Junior Referee

“And fire the servants who sponge my body down?”
Maurice Hissom, Button Replacer

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Transportation Department Endorses Crash Test Dummies That Resemble Women

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Dec 2025 14:00:00 +0000

The Department of Transportation is considering a new crash test dummy design based on female anatomy, claiming it would improve safety testing for women. What do you think?

“Make sure they get my uneven nipples.”
Fabrizia Pagano, Unemployed

“Hopefully this will lead to more women getting involved in actual car crashes as well.”
Norman Hassel, Napkin Collator

“I strap my wife to the top of the car like a mattress, so we’re all good.”
Henrik Bilger, Walnut Supplier

The post Transportation Department Endorses Crash Test Dummies That Resemble Women appeared first on The Onion.

Judge Resigns After Wearing Elvis Wig In Court

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Dec 2025 21:44:23 +0000

A judge in Missouri resigned after wearing an Elvis Presley wig in court, coming after a disciplinary commission determined he failed to maintain order and decorum. What do you think?

“Either wear a full Elvis costume or don’t even bother showing up to work.”
Bjorn Geisler, Systems Analyst

“Little Richard gave me 25 to life.”
David Baroody, Retired Volunteer

“Yet in England they’re required.”
Katie Priest, Lottery Participant

The post Judge Resigns After Wearing Elvis Wig In Court appeared first on The Onion.

Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation

The Onion Staff — Fri, 28 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

After someone heard her knocking, a Thai woman was discovered alive inside her coffin, just narrowly avoiding cremation. What do you think?

“I couldn’t imagine having that kind of will to live.”
Shelby Fournier, Frog Hydrator

“Maybe prying open random coffin lids isn’t such a waste of time.”
Hubert Roers, Yogurt Stirrer

“At that point I’d just burn alive to avoid causing a scene.”
Roger Dallum, Artifact Gatherer

The post Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation appeared first on The Onion.

America Celebrates Thanksgiving

The Onion Staff — Thu, 27 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Across the nation, Americans are gathering with loved ones to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?

“No one knows it was me yet.”
Finn Hanson, Cheese Colorist

“I’m grateful that my family has each other, so I can mostly check out.”
Sam Chen, Corkscrew Supplier

“The wheel’s an underrated classic. I use wheels all the time.”
Margot Lewin, Asbestos Expert

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ShamWow Guy Running For Congress

The Onion Staff — Wed, 26 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

Vince Offer, the once-prominent infomercial pitchman better known as the “ShamWow guy,” has filed to run as a Republican in Texas’s 31st congressional district, claiming he wants to “destroy wokeism” in Congress and “make America happy.” What do you think?

“How absorbent are his opponent’s towels?”
Mario Lobo, Replica Appraiser

“He’ll poll well with the sizable bloc of voters who are overwhelmed by spills.”
Penny Norfolk, Doll Clothier

“Anyone with a proven track record of battering women has my vote.”
Troy Powell, Cellophane Expert

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Trump Claims Democrats’ Video To Military ‘Seditious Behavior, Punishable By Death’

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

President Trump accused Democratic lawmakers of “seditious behavior” after they released a video urging U.S. service members to refuse unlawful orders, claiming that it could be “punishable by death.” What do you think?

“At least he’s finally following through with one of his campaign promises.”
Tamika Hendricks, Circus Administrator

“Fine, as long as they give us the day off for the public executions.”
Giovanni Ezzo, Hook Bender

“I knew obeying the law was against the law.”
Edgar Fullam, Regional Orator

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