Podcasts Archives - The Onion

The Final Episode Of The Topical

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 May 2021 12:59:00 +0000

Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time.

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post The Final Episode Of The Topical appeared first on The Onion.

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Feb 2021 13:53:00 +0000

Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce appeared first on The Onion.

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

The Onion Staff — Wed, 03 Feb 2021 13:49:00 +0000

Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees appeared first on The Onion.

Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted

The Onion Staff — Tue, 02 Feb 2021 13:42:00 +0000

Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted appeared first on The Onion.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

The Onion Staff — Mon, 01 Feb 2021 13:48:00 +0000

It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God appeared first on The Onion.

Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command

The Onion Staff — Fri, 29 Jan 2021 14:21:00 +0000

Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command appeared first on The Onion.

Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan

The Onion Staff — Thu, 28 Jan 2021 13:42:00 +0000

Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan appeared first on The Onion.

Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’

The Onion Staff — Wed, 27 Jan 2021 13:42:00 +0000

Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’ appeared first on The Onion.

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

The Onion Staff — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 13:55:00 +0000

And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids appeared first on The Onion.

Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters

The Onion Staff — Mon, 25 Jan 2021 13:19:00 +0000

Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters appeared first on The Onion.

UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law

The Onion Staff — Fri, 22 Jan 2021 13:45:00 +0000

We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law appeared first on The Onion.

Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden

The Onion Staff — Thu, 21 Jan 2021 14:16:00 +0000

Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place.

https://www.patreon.com/thetopical?fan_landing=true

You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.

The post Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden appeared first on The Onion.