Between June and August of this year, wealthy travelers have fled the Earth in droves, with more than 1.5 million U.S. residents opting for extraterrestrial vacations, which the report says is an increase of nearly 80% since 2019. For people with the financial means to do so, renting a condo on Neptune or buying a vacation home on Titan, a popular moon of Saturn, is more appealing than spending the hottest months on the sweltering surface of their native planet.

Among them are self-described “spacebirds” like Mark and Jacqueline Weyman, who summer on Jupiter and return each fall to their primary residence in Hinsdale, IL.

“A few years back, Illinois was stuck in another long heat wave, and I told Mark, ‘I don’t think I can take another summer on Earth,’” said Jacqueline Weyman, 43, who noted that she and her husband were currently enjoying their fourth summer away from the ever-hotter temperatures plaguing the Midwest. “We contacted our real estate attorney, he showed us some Hubble telescope photos of available properties, and within a month we were closing on a five-bedroom ranch just east of the Great Red Spot.”

According to the ASTA report, Jupiter’s brisk, breezy climate is one of its biggest draws. With wind speeds above 300 miles per hour and a refreshing atmosphere composed of 90 percent hydrogen, the gas giant is ideal for those with active lifestyles who want to maximize their time outdoors in the summer. 

“On Earth, we had to avoid going outside during the hottest part of the day, but Jupiter averages minus 160 Fahrenheit, so we can play pickleball or jog through the beautiful ammonia clouds near our house anytime we like,” Weyman said. “We never even break a sweat.” 

The report notes that while the travel times are longer than more traditional summer destinations like Cape Cod or Lake Tahoe, wealthy vacationers are willing to go an extra 800 million miles if it means getting to stay at an exclusive resort with a view of the rings of Saturn, in a bungalow on the ice giant Uranus, or in a country home situated among the 400 active volcanoes on the moon of Io.

Though destinations within our own solar system attract the most Americans, there are plenty who choose to escape the summer heat by packing their bags and spending a few months on a far-flung exoplanet. At a distance of more than four light-years, the Alpha Centauri system can be a hassle to get to, but visitors report that being off the beaten path has its unique perks.

“I work remotely, so the peace and quiet has been great for my concentration,” said Los Angeles software developer Greg Holbert, who is spending the summer in a rented two-bedroom townhouse on Proxima Centauri c. “I get a lot more done out here than I do in L.A., but it has its downsides too. There’s about a two-week lag over Zoom, so anytime I do a presentation, I have to wait a month or so to get any feedback. And then there’s the loneliness. Knowing I’m the only living organism within trillions of miles can be overwhelming. I feel small, so small. Small and alone.”

“At least I don’t have to worry about wildfires anymore, though,” he added. 

For those considering a summer off-planet, Dallas-based space travel agent Stephanie Sammarco recommends working with an experienced professional like herself.

“Unfortunately, there are people who fall for timeshare scams on Venus or Mercury,” said Sammarco, who advises consumers that if a package deal to an exotic planet sounds too good to be true, it probably is. “Needless to say, they aren’t very happy when they touch down and step outside into 800-degree temperatures. But the good news is the number of planets that are cooler than Earth in the summer is practically infinite.”

“Most of my clients aren’t even too picky about where they go,” she continued, “so long as it’s far away from all those asshole billionaires who just want to go to Mars.”

The post More Affluent Americans Beating Heat By Summering On Cooler Planet appeared first on The Onion.

Bankman-Fried was reportedly feeling depressed after a series of revelations about his handling of FTX customer investments erased its $32 billion valuation in a matter of days. As its liquidity dried up, his personal net worth of $16 billion was reduced to zero. Friends described Bankman-Fried as despondent and unsure what to do until he reportedly discovered a crypto he hadn’t known he had under the couch in his apartment.

“As long as I have you, I’ll always have hope!” the 30-year-old investor was heard to say to his last remaining cryptocurrency, holding it up in delight and wonder. Realizing he still had a crypto left to his name reversed his sullen mood in an instant, sources confirmed, and Bankman-Fried declared that this one cryptocurrency was all he needed to rebuild his reputation and fortune.

The rejuvenated entrepreneur then reportedly left his apartment and took a stroll down the streets of Nassau with what onlookers described as a spring in his step. He was said to periodically remove his last cryptocurrency from his pocket to stare at it, a look of pure joy on his face. A friend confirmed that the man known as SBF said over text that not even the looming threat of a criminal investigation into his activities with his asset management firm Alameda Group could bring him down with his last cryptocurrency by his side.

“I’m on top of the world!” he was heard to exclaim to random passersby, who all smiled his way. The birds were reportedly chirping, and the sun was said to shine bright.

Distracted by his last cryptocurrency, which he was holding aloft to admire, Bankman-Fried reportedly failed to notice a fire hydrant on the sidewalk. Several bystanders confirmed that he tripped over the hydrant, sprawling to the sidewalk, and his last crypto skidded out of his grasp.

“No, no, no!” Bankman-Fried reportedly shouted until his voice was hoarse.

Onlookers said that the cryptocurrency then began to slide down the street as Bankman-Fried stumbled after it. Shouting, “Get back here!”, he repeatedly lunged at the rolling crypto, missing it every time, until he fell flat on his stomach in the street several feet from a sewer.

Sources confirmed that the disgraced investor was then forced to watch in what felt like slow motion as his last crypto in the world teetered on the edge of the sewer grate. For a moment, it reportedly looked like it would just fall harmlessly onto the frame, but it took one last spin and plunged into the sewer.

“I’m ruined!” Bankman-Fried was heard to shout, tears in his eyes, as he crawled over to the grate. He then spent several minutes staring at the cryptocurrency, which had reportedly given him the hope and confidence that he could regain the life he had lost, as it sat in the sewer on a pile of leaves and garbage, just out of reach.

In between heaving sobs, Bankman-Fried reportedly begged a pedestrian for a stick of gum. After chewing the gum for a few moments, he grabbed a stick lying nearby and placed the lubricated gum on the end of the stick. Multiple onlookers confirmed that he spent several panicked minutes inserting the stick into the sewer grate in an attempt to get the cryptocurrency to stick to the gum.

Sources observing the weeping former CEO reported that this didn’t work at all.

At press time, Bankman-Fried had stuck his arm through the grate and was screaming for help after realizing it was stuck.

The post Sam Bankman-Fried Sobs After Accidentally Dropping Last Crypto Down Sewer Grate appeared first on The Onion.

“This uncanny donut fuses savory and sweet in a surprisingly delicious combination as the guacamole texture truly complements the sugary glaze,” an article on guacamole donuts read in part, overshadowing several breaking news stories about school shootings across the nation that left multiple children dead and many more injured.

“You would think this might be disgusting or weird, but it’s actually pretty good,” read another article on the subject, sparking debate in the comments section and inspiring opinion pieces about the guacamole donut that eclipsed all gun control discourse and drowned out pleas to stop the senseless massacres that had erupted across the country. “Life is too short. You don’t want to miss out on the guacamole donut. Grab one while you still have a chance.”

“Guacamole donuts just prove how experimenting with food can be tasty and scrumptious,” the article continued as hundreds of heartbreaking statements from bereaved parents grieving their lost children fell on deaf ears. “Nummy num num.”

At press time, sources confirmed the guacamole donut had begun to be replaced on news feeds by stories about James Corden’s restaurant apology, which were completely burying coverage of Florida being nuked by Russia.

The post Something Called ‘Guacamole Donut’ Burying News Of Dozens Of School Shootings appeared first on The Onion.

The long-awaited 600-page report on the secretive etiquette program included sworn medical affidavits detailing injuries sustained by former captives consistent with periods of prolonged handshaking, extreme curtsying, and waltzing for hours in uncomfortable, toe-pinching heels, activities allegedly sanctioned by a subcontracted militant headmistress known to the victims as Madame Amelia.

“Torturous scoldings from Madame Amelia were doled out primarily through a series of secret, compulsory posture lessons in which inmates were required to stand with their chin parallel to the floor and their feet turned out for more than 48 hours straight, often with a book precariously balanced on their heads,” Amnesty International inspector Dan Worthington said of the practices classified as “cruel and unusual refinement” under international law. “Sessions typically included sensory deprivation as well, the most common example being a freshly pressed hood pulled over the subject’s eyes as they were forced to listen to the same toast given over and over again at a deafening volume.”

The finishing school reportedly operated out of a hidden $445 million black site chalet complex in western Switzerland that housed hundreds of men accused of acts of extreme incivility. The document identified and contained interviews with several former prisoners who claimed to have suffered irreversible psychological trauma from being dragged at all hours of day and night to dimly lit, underground ballrooms, where they were force-fed bland, crustless sandwiches and bitter elderflower tea.

“If we made a mistake with, say, which fork we used to eat our Nutraloaf, or allowed our elbows to rest on the back of the inmate who was forced to lie down and act as the table that day, we would immediately receive a formal, written invitation to solitary confinement,” former inmate Rahim As’ad Shamon said of the excruciatingly long luncheons he attended daily. “I was expected to RSVP yes on proper stationery with beautiful calligraphy or face a rapping by Madame Amelia’s blackthorn cane.”

“To this day, every time I’m waterboarded with a cold vichyssoise, I am terrified to slurp,” continued Shamon, reportedly holding back tears at the thought that another person could be so inhumanely strict.

The report found no substantiated links between Shamon or his fellow detainees to known suitors in high society. Despite being reprimanded for over a decade, the men said they were never informed of the faux pas they were believed to have committed. Upon their sudden release, they returned to their families unrecognizably groomed and demure, with many unable to accomplish even the simplest of everyday tasks without first giving their hair 100 strokes with a coarse brush.

Reached for comment, former CIA officials have defended the controversial correctional program, calling the “enhanced etiquette techniques” a necessary means of extracting vital pleasantries from enemy combatants.

The post CIA Criticized For Use Of Abusive Etiquette Coaches In Black Site Finishing Schools appeared first on The Onion.

In a sudden, inexplicable, and chilling act of censorship, The Onion has been permanently banned from Twitter. This is a dark day for journalism and sets a grim precedent for the freedom of expression in America.

On Apr. 21, 2022, The Onion was found guilty of the truth in a sham trial presided over by Judge Jack Dorsey and his jury of sycophant moderators. We now publish this press release on our Twitter account in a desperate effort to show these corporate tyrants that their barbarity will not go unchallenged.

The truth perishes in the night.

We call on all defenders of free speech to retweet our tweet about Twitter banning us. Feel free to quote-tweet our tweet too, but only to say something nice. Don’t let Twitter get away with this.

This is a tragic moment in the history of America’s Finest News Source. Our reporters are deeply troubled by this unfounded attack on their principles, and many of them say they no longer recognize the website they live in. We haven’t seen such a brutal challenge to the notion of a free press since a chlamydia outbreak in our newsroom back in 2012 rendered most of our staff unable to work.

In that painful, secretion-filled summer, as now, The Onion could only imagine what nefarious forces were really behind an attempt to muzzle us. We suspect that our Twitter ban is but the end of a thread that, once unraveled, would lead us deep into America’s chasm of lies. We wish we could find out who these shadowy powers are, but we can’t, obviously, because Twitter banned us. Keep up.

Sadly, this is not The Onion’s first time being silenced. We’ve long suspected that Facebook shadow-banned us in 2015 when our finances nosedived because Facebook censored the fact that they were just making up engagement numbers. We also surmise that hidden powers have colluded to gag us by placing so many ads on our website as to render it functionally unreadable. Finally, a glance at the New York Times bestseller list reveals not a single one of The Onion’s many books, a clear act of journalist-on-journalist censorship with horrific significance. Each one of these fearless volumes is not only a treasure trove of reportage, but a brave paean to the very notion of a free and fair press. We urge all those who want to avoid becoming complicit in censorship to buy a copy.

Yet we know we are not alone. Every day, journalists, activists, and political truth-tellers are censored for their views in a bunch of examples that we didn’t feel like looking up. While these suppressions naturally don’t compare with what we’ve suffered, they were nonetheless stepping stones on the path to the wanton annihilation of The Onion’s Twitter presence. If nothing else, we hope that our tweet announcing our Twitter ban will stand as a testament to the creeping rise of authoritarianism online, and presumably offline as well.

If you’re reading this because you clicked the link on Twitter, you’ll understand the gravity of the situation. You’ll know that we stand athwart a pivotal moment in the arc of history, when journalists and lesser Americans must decide on our collective future. We must determine whether the right to speak freely is something we value, or whether we will consign it to the dustbin of history alongside voting rights, housing rights, privacy rights, and all the other human rights that are already there and are frankly too complicated to deal with. The choice is ours—or rather, Twitter’s. Or maybe it’s still ours. Or yours? We’re not sure.

We urge our readership to stay with us as the situation develops. The easiest way to get the latest updates on our Twitter ban is by following us on Twitter.

If America’s Finest News Source can be the victim of mass suppression, no one is safe.

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The post BREAKING: The Onion Has Been Permanently Banned From Twitter appeared first on The Onion.

God reported feeling frustrated with Himself that He had procrastinated for so long, admitting to reporters that if He had made a concerted effort to master the language when He was younger, He could have probably already been fluent by now.

“Ever since the Crusades, I’ve been meaning to learn Spanish, but here it is already 2021 and I still don’t know how to say more than ‘What time is it?’ or ‘Two beers, please,’” said the omniscient deity, adding that the decreased neuroplasticity brought on by His advanced age would likely make it significantly more challenging to learn a new language. “It sucks because if I’d taken some night classes or even just traveled around Spain or Mexico a bit, I could probably have picked up the basics. Then again, maybe it’s not too late. I’ve always been a quick study, and I’m already fairly conversant in Italian which people say is pretty similar.”

“You know, I’ve had a copy of Miguel de Cervantes’ Don Quixote in its original text beside my bed for centuries that I’ve always wanted to read,” God continued. “Plus the billions of prayers from Spanish-speaking souls that I’ve never been able to understand.”

Heavenly sources confirmed that in recent weeks, God had taken numerous steps in an attempt to shore up his language skills, going so far as to tape up index cards with the words “la puerta” on the Pearly Gates, and “las nubas” over various clouds. The Divine Creator also reportedly enlisted all of Heaven into the learning exercises, requesting that the angels and departed souls greet Him with “Hola! ¿Qué pasa?” and address Him only as “Señor God.”

In addition, God was reportedly taking additional measures such as signing up for flamenco lessons and insisting on taking a daily afternoon “siesta” out of the apparent belief that getting into an Iberian mindset would help Him learn the language.

“It was definitely a struggle to find enough Castilian leather to reupholster His throne, and I think all the angels are a little sick of gazpacho and sangria, but we’re glad the big guy is so excited about it,” said the archangel Azrael, confirming that God had made some definite progress with simple phrases, though He still struggled to roll his R’s. “God’s super passionate, which is what we love about Him, but when He goes off on one of these kicks, it can be a little exhausting—a while back, He was obsessed with Creole cooking and the entire firmament smelled like cayenne and garlic for months.”

“If He insists on spending his time on projects like this, He could at least try to learn Mandarin, which is the language of the future,” Azrael added.

The post God Regrets Never Learning Spanish appeared first on The Onion.

While we want to assure our readers that The Onion routinely conducts thorough investigation in all our office buildings to ensure the safety of our staff members, we must acknowledge the reality that we have neither the sophisticated military know-how nor the deadly firepower to definitively determine how many militant Palestinians may be secreted away in our office buildings. That is why, following a unanimous vote by The Onion’s Board Of Directors this morning, we are urging Israeli armed forces to root out any potential terrorists by reducing our offices in Cairo, Rio, Paris, London, New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago to charred rubble as soon as possible.

This is an extreme step, to be sure, but it is the only way to ensure that the numerous unattended stairwells, service elevators, and janitor’s closets within these high rises are not at this very moment serving as a breeding ground for dangerous individuals hellbent on destruction. For those who would dare criticize this decision, we must ask how can we be expected to continue on knowing that our neighboring tenants, such as the dentist office on the fifth floor of our London location or the Gymboree outside our L.A. offices may be little more than fronts for violent terrorist organizations?

In addition, several of these location’s building managers have been rude to us at various times, which may also suggest rabid anti-democratic sympathies.

We know that this unprecedented call for action represents a significant sacrifice to both our financial bottom line and our ongoing reporting on the Middle Eastern conflict, but if carpet bombing the entire city block in which our offices are located will finally put an end to this cycle of violence, it will have been well worth any inconvenience.

Thus, we urge Israel’s government in the strongest possible terms to obliterate corporate headquarters and subsidiaries, as well as all buildings containing any work-share spaces or storage lockers we may have rented. In recognition of the crucial strategic importance of this act, we urge Israel not to give any advance warning to the tenants located in these buildings, as there could be no legitimate reason for working so close to potential terrorists beyond a desire to serve as a human shield.

We eagerly await the earth-shattering tremors of the bombs’ impact, and in the meantime, we will be praying for this violence to end.

The post ‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There appeared first on The Onion.

Ureña, a 30-year-old fulfillment associate, reportedly clocked out of his extended holiday hours, pushed open the Amazon warehouse doors, and immediately began wincing and coughing as his body adjusted to the toxic atmosphere of the future, with its piercing orange sky, scorching temperatures, and suffocating smog. Sources confirmed a stunned Ureña stopped dead in his tracks and stared blankly at a world filled with dilapidated, bombed-out buildings and plumes of toxic gas emerging from fissures dotted throughout the blighted hellscape.

“Hello? Does anyone know what year it is? I…I think there might have been some kind of mistake on my Christmas shift,” said an awe-struck Ureña, recoiling in fear as several Amazon-branded robotic guards, a cloaked man in a gas mask, and several teens on hoverbikes zoomed by him, knocking him back. “Uh…I thought I was just going to spend the night picking up some extra hours at the fulfillment center. But I guess…something happened?”

“Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?” he added, swiping at the screen of his now non-functional cell phone, which showed thousands of missed calls and texts from friends and family. “Anybody? Please? Anybody?”

According to witnesses at the Plainfield Amazon warehouse, Ureña had reportedly put his head down to work in the year 2020 for a mandatory 10-hour bonus shift, and then was not permitted by his supervisors to eat, sleep, use the restroom, or communicate with his family, friends, or coworkers for the next three millennia. Per his timecard, Ureña had worked for over 26 million hours straight, throughout 15 violent revolutions, several nuclear wars, and countless near-human extinctions.

Over that time, sources confirmed Ureña sustained multiple back, hand, and eye injuries, which were not covered by the company’s health insurance, as he was just a contractor for those 3,000 years.

“Well, when this all started, I was just trying to do my job, but I guess none of that matters now,” said Ureña, who told reporters that his former house had been reduced to rubble, gangs of futuristic rebel fighters had taken over his neighborhood, and a crater now subsumed most of the United States. “All I wanted to do was go home and see my kids, but now everyone I know and love is long dead.”

“Why?” he added, dropping to his knees before the crumbling graves of his wife and children, surrounded by countless deceased family members he never got to meet. “Why?”

According to his supervisor at Amazon, however, Ureña reportedly did a less than satisfactory job during his extended hours, receiving three demerits for talking too much in the year 4021, nodding off on the job in 4044, and standing too close to a fellow employee in 5014. They also criticized Ureña for cutting his mandatory overtime shift short, saying he clocked out 7 minutes early and that his pay would be docked.

Asking to remain anonymous, several other Amazon employees also reported emerging from overtime shifts in the future, including a Whole Foods employee who was locked in a store freezer, only to be thawed centuries years later; as well as an Amazon delivery driver who fell asleep at the wheel, only to wake up in the year 7000 to his truck being thrashed by a large, tentacled monster.

“Honestly, I keep opening and closing my eyes, and hoping I’ll wake up from this dream,” said Ureña, going through his locker and throwing out all of his dusty, disintegrated possessions from the day his holiday shift started. “I at least thought I was going to get a promotion, title change, or maybe even just a little overtime bonus for my 40 lifetimes of work. Instead, they fired me for peeing in a bottle God knows how many thousands of years ago.”

At press time, Amazon guards reportedly gave Ureña $150 dollars for his time and stuffed him into a garbage chute, which dumped his body into a large waste fire.

The post Amazon Worker Emerges From Holiday Overtime Shift To Find 3,000 Years Have Passed In Outside World appeared first on The Onion.

Following several sleepless nights filled with impassioned and sometimes heated verbal arguments, The Onion’s editorial board has named the 2020 Walton Goggins of the year none other than the incomparable Walton Goggins.

At the end of a challenging, if not brutal 2020, the board believes that no single individual shines a light of hope for the past, present, and future of Walton Goggins more than Mr. Walton Goggins, known for his pioneering roles in Justified, Daddy’s Home 2, and in his greatest role as himself, Walton Goggins. In the most competitive set of Walton Goggins Of The Year finalists to date, the 49-year-old Goggins beat out many highly qualified nominees, including Justin Trudeau, Greta Thunberg, Anthony Fauci, and a 14-year-old Walton Goggins from Tucson, AZ.

Goggins is a 2011 nominee for a Primetime Emmy, a 2018 recipient of a Critics Choice Award for best supporting actor in a comedy series, and the 2019 winner of the Winston Giggins award.

As in past years, The Onion editorial board does not take its selection of 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year award lightly. Nearly three decades ago, The Onion drew harsh criticism for selecting its 1979 Walton Goggins Of The Year to be Alabama resident and steel mill worker Ernesto Diaz, despite the 78-year-old fitting every stated criteria. And just one year ago, readers were slow to see the beauty and symbolism of naming the 2019 Walton Goggins to be “You, The Reader,” despite it being a highly moving choice.

But the editorial board stands by the decision to reward Walton Goggins’ pioneering work in Walton Goggins, regardless of the blow-back, snide remarks, and death threats it will inevitably receive. For his work, Goggins will receive a $500 Chili’s gift card and a promotional code for $20 off at The Onion store.

The post ‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins appeared first on The Onion.

The mayor outlined a plan that dramatically restructured the municipality’s approach to public safety, replacing its nearly 850 police officers with a similar number of social workers, who would be dispatched to city streets and have at their disposal firearms, bulletproof vests, tear gas, armored vehicles with gun turrets, and other tools to enhance their service to the community.

“Minneapolis has demanded a new model of security, and so today we are reallocating the police department’s entire $193 million budget to clinical social workers, case managers, and crisis counselors,” said Frey, confirming members of the newly created bureau would be issued service weapons and assigned to one of several precincts, the heads of which would report to a chief of social work. “Why continue asking police to manage this city’s homelessness crisis, for example, when we can send in social workers—those actually trained in assisting housing-insecure people—to bulldoze our homeless camps and move the inhabitants out at gunpoint?”

“We have heard your call,” Frey added, “and rest-assured: The next time you contact the authorities, a licensed professional equipped with empathy, emotional intelligence, active listening skills, and a whole lot of firepower will be headed your way.”

Training for the new bureau reportedly includes instruction not only with Glock 20s and Colt M4 Carbines but also in takedown maneuvers, chokeholds, and baton techniques, all with the goal of enabling social workers to subdue any adversary encountered while conducting routine domestic checks, meeting with trauma survivors, or visiting a child welfare agency.

Recruits to the bureau acknowledged their work should be easier now that they have the capacity to immediately neutralize every potential threat in their path.

“As a substance abuse counselor, it’s nice to know that if one of my clients starts using again, I can just Taser them and confiscate their stash,” said 47-year-old Cindy Hughes, who holds a master of social work degree from the College of St. Scholastica in Duluth and, in addition to a stun gun and sidearm, carries a Remington 700 sniper rifle in the trunk of her squad car. “It’s so much easier than getting them to go to a meeting.”

“Usually, if I’m worried they’re trying to score, we discuss sober-living facilities and ways to avoid common relapse triggers,” Hughes continued. “Now I can make extra sure they stay off the streets by simply handcuffing them to their bunk at the halfway house.”

According to Mayor Frey, out-of-work former police officers would be eligible to join the social work bureau so long as they earned the appropriate credentials, which would allow them to bring their confrontational impulses and intimidation tactics into both outpatient behavioral health centers and foster care settings.

City officials said they also planned to disband the Minneapolis Police Canine Unit and replace it with a team of local therapy dogs, which would be trained extensively in clamping their jaws onto people’s legs and ripping apart their flesh.

Sheila Bickford, a family therapist in the city for the past 30 years, told reporters her words would carry more weight now that she could enter counseling sessions outfitted with body armor, a ballistic helmet, a riot shield, and a shotgun loaded with less-lethal rounds.

“You definitely get people’s attention when you touch down in front of their home in the Child and Family Services chopper,” said Bickford, referring to her division’s UH-60 Black Hawk military surplus helicopter. “They can either listen when I tell them codependency takes a toll on the well-being and quality of your relationships, or they can get knocked down and kicked in the head until they are completely unresponsive. It’s the easy way or the hard way.”

Added Bickford, “To anyone out there who’s struggling, let me say this: We see you, we hear you, and we are here for you, ready to compel your compliance with chemical agents or the butt of an M-16.”

The post Minneapolis Announces Plan To Replace Police Officers With Thousands Of Heavily Armed Social Workers appeared first on The Onion.

Which is why TheOnion.com is now a designated Pandemic Shelter in the event that Covid-19 spreads through the internet.

The editorial board of The Onion has issued an emergency order to mobilize our vast resources to transform our digital platform into a space where you and your loved ones can obtain guaranteed safety. This website is a 100% Covid-19-free zone. Our global security team has sprayed our servers with industrial-grade chloroquine, and top U.S. health officials have already discovered credible evidence that clicking each and every link you see on our homepage can effectively strengthen your immune system. In an effort to create an airtight quarantine, readers who were already visiting our website at the time this order was issued have been instructed to remain browsing our considerable archive of stimulating and award-winning content at penalty of a fine and/or imprisonment.

Furthermore, we find it imperative to disclose that TheOnion.com is the only site on the world-wide web to receive the official Onion Seal of Covid Sanctuary.

Once secure within our website, we advise you NOT to leave TheOnion.com. DO NOT EXIT your browser or close any tabs. DO NOT LEAVE the site except to take a brief visit to our sponsors’ websites.

Though scientists have yet to confirm the strain can spread through the web, we’ve already paid witness to the devastating effects the virus can wreak when proper precautions go neglected. Government epidemiologists and emergency preparedness responders make up just a few hundred of the thousands of Onion readers who have already secured a spot for their spouses and children throughout the web pages of TheOnion.com’s official Pandemic Shelter.

Space may be limited, but as a testament to the Zweibel family’s leadership, we will be keeping the homepage open to all late-comers. Here, you will be safely quarantined away from other internet users who could needlessly infect you and your families. Don’t worry, we promise that there will be plenty of e-Cots and Virtual Blankets.

As an added precaution, we advise you keep backup tabs open from TheOnion.com’s official Pandemic Shelter on your phone, personal laptops, and tablet computers.

The post TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet appeared first on The Onion.

Developed by the drug company Foundation Consumer Healthcare, the innovative device has received early praise from reproductive health advocates for providing women worried about an unwanted pregnancy with expanded access to an infinite number of parallel timelines in which they have not yet met their sexual partner, they have met their partner but not yet had sex, or they are currently having sex but there are still a few seconds to spare before it’s too late. 

“Plan B One-Leap lets women manipulate the space-time continuum to prevent sexual activity wherever and whenever it may have occurred,” said company spokesperson Patricia Jacobsen, adding that the wormhole is easy to use and up to 96% effective when one enters its gravitation well and emerges on the other side at a point in time prior to engaging in unprotected sex. “While this method should not be used as one’s regular form of birth control, sometimes the unexpected happens, and a woman needs to go back in time, barge into the room where her past self is having sex, and warn herself to stop.” 

“With One-Leap, you can avoid an unintended pregnancy by simply lurking outside your own window and making a startling noise that kills the mood during foreplay,” Jacobsen continued. 

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According to the manufacturer, once a consumer purchases and opens Plan B One-Leap, the fabric of space and time will fold in upon itself somewhere within a one-mile radius of the user. Upon locating and entering this temporal fissure, identifiable by its patented blue iridescent glow, the user will reportedly be sent to a predetermined moment in the past, at which point she must attempt to find herself and redirect the course of her life. 

“We believe the best way for a woman to take control of her future is to take control of her past,” Jacobsen said. “That may mean a condom broke during sex and she now needs to don a dark hood and warn herself in a shadowy alley not to hook up that night, or it may mean she missed a few doses of her usual contraceptive and must now chase her past self across the city and defeat herself in hand-to-hand combat to ensure she doesn’t have sex.” 

Jacobsen added that Plan B’s wormholes will be available over the counter and won’t require a visit to a doctor or quantum physicist. 

Although the product is most effective when a woman stops herself from ever meeting her sexual partner in the first place, Jacobsen noted that any disruption of events can decrease the likelihood of pregnancy—from cutting short a chance encounter at a bar with a well-timed drink spill, to burning down the apartment complex where intercourse would have taken place, to sabotaging a first date by showing up and pretending to be one’s own crazy twin sister. 

The Food and Drug Administration and U.S. Department of Energy confirmed they approved the new contraceptive following months of rocky trials. Some test participants experienced nausea and migraines, while others said they felt fatigue after embarking on a high-speed race against the clock to close the time loop they had accidentally created. But all users reported feeling better after resting, rehydrating, and returning to the past one more time to prevent their partner’s birth by seducing and killing his father. 

“There can be side effects, like changes in your period, lower abdominal pain, or being trapped in 1994 forever,” said research director Evelyn Lewis, who also acknowledged rare cases of chronosickness, which causes every atom in one’s body to fly apart and scatter across the cosmos. “But most women found such adverse reactions preferable to an unplanned pregnancy. There were no complaints among those transported to an alternate universe in which men, not women, bear children, or in which the human species has 17 distinct genders and reproduces through a process of asexual budding.” 

“The most important thing is for users to keep a cyanide capsule on their person at all times, so they can ingest it immediately if they inadvertently initiate a sequence of paradoxes that causes the entire multiverse to collapse and brings about the end of time,” Lewis added. 

At press time, the launch of Plan B One-Leap had ended prematurely after a wormhole opened behind the lectern and a scarred Jacobsen wearing an eye patch emerged, begging those present to “please, please stop” because “this was never supposed to happen.”

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