Football Archives - The Onion

Vince Lombardi Trophy Clanking Around In Trunk Of Roger Goodell’s Car

The Onion Staff — Tue, 25 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

The post Vince Lombardi Trophy Clanking Around In Trunk Of Roger Goodell’s Car appeared first on The Onion.

Shedeur Sanders Confident He Can Deliver Everything Browns Fans Have Come To Expect

The Onion Staff — Fri, 21 Nov 2025 18:10:29 +0000

CLEVELAND—Saying he was ready to carry on the legacy forged by Cody Kessler, Dorian Thompson-Robinson, and dozens of other short-lived Browns signal callers over the past two decades, rookie quarterback Shedeur Sanders told reporters Friday he was “more than confident” he could deliver everything Cleveland fans had come to expect. “Being this team’s 42nd starting quarterback since 1999 is a huge responsibility, but I’m prepared to be that guy,” said the fifth-round pick, adding that he felt fully capable of upholding the standard set by his many predecessors who had been thrust into the lineup by injuries, and that he had no doubt he possessed the skill, composure, and maturity required to lead the Browns through the kind of last-place campaign the franchise’s loyal fan base had grown accustomed to. “I can’t wait to go out there and show what it truly means to be a Cleveland Browns quarterback. Dillon [Gabriel] left some big shoes to fill, but I know I can carry the torch and embody everything this 2–8 team represents.” Sanders vowed to give the Browns everything he had for the next two weeks, at which point he expects to lose the starting job to Bailey Zappe.

The post Shedeur Sanders Confident He Can Deliver Everything Browns Fans Have Come To Expect appeared first on The Onion.

Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 17:45:58 +0000

DETROIT—Double-checking that he had approval before finalizing travel plans, Detroit Lions rookie Tate Ratledge reportedly approached head coach Dan Campbell on Monday to see if it might be possible for him to take Thanksgiving off. “I know we have a game scheduled, but my family has this big tradition every year where we all get together on that day and have a feast and watch football, and I really don’t want to miss it,” said the 24-year-old guard, adding that he’s very excited to spend time with his cousins and have a few helpings of his grandma’s famous stuffing. “I’ve already had to cancel a lot of weekend plans because of games this season, so I’m hoping I don’t have to back out on this, too. Plus, my mom said she’s making pecan pie just for me—it’s my favorite.” At press time, source confirmed Ratledge had offered to come in and play a makeup game sometime during a bye week.

The post Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off appeared first on The Onion.

Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter

The Onion Staff — Sun, 09 Nov 2025 18:05:00 +0000

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. “Looking back, we should’ve probably checked to make sure he’d played Division I football or at the very least had some kind of proven track record as an athlete, but honestly, we were just blown away by that cover letter,” said Patriots general manager Eliot Wolf, adding that the undersized defender’s self-described passion, attention to detail, comfort in team settings, and background in AP English initially made him seem like a no-brainer for the team’s third-round pick. “Should we have looked into his 40 time, or his bench press reps, or whether he was taller than 5-foot-4? Yes, it’s clear now we should’ve. But man, if you’d read his paragraph about seeing challenges as opportunities, you’d hire him, too.” At press time, team sources confirmed that Welles would be sidelined two to four weeks after sustaining a concussion while attempting to tackle a blocking sled.

The post Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter appeared first on The Onion.

Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He’s Seen

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 18:16:03 +0000

PITTSBURGH—Noting that conversations with the veteran signal-caller had become more perplexing than ever, sources close to Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback was now clearly just taking his personal beliefs from various commercials he’d seen. “Aaron’s always been a pretty opinionated guy, but lately every time he expresses a viewpoint, I feel like it’s something I’ve heard the Geico lizard say on TV,” Steelers wide receiver DK Metcalf told reporters, citing a recent incident in which Rodgers gathered his teammates for a pregame meeting to passionately urge them all to “obey [their] thirst,” at one point pausing mid-sentence to absentmindedly mutter, “Liberty Biberty.” “Like, we were in a huddle during the Colts game, and he told us all that there’s never been a better time to lock in a deal on a new Chevy. And while we were trying to figure out what exactly he meant by that, he got all riled up about how, as a team, we need a polyurethane deck sealant that stands up to tough weather conditions. Then we got a delay of game penalty.” At press time, Rodgers had barged into general manager Omar Khan’s office to demand that Metcalf be traded for Chester Cheetah.

The post Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He’s Seen appeared first on The Onion.

Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People’s Hands

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 01:20:00 +0000

The post Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People’s Hands appeared first on The Onion.

Cam Skattebo Assured He’ll Only Be Missing Giants Games

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 17:50:59 +0000

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an effort to console the team’s star running back as he recuperated from a season-ending lower-leg injury, the New York Giants medical staff reportedly assured Cam Skattebo on Friday that he would only be missing Giants games. “Hey, you got lucky—just imagine if you were missing something more important than a bunch of pointless Giants games,” said team head trainer Ronnie Barnes, adding that it was not as though Skattebo played for the Buffalo Bills, Philadelphia Eagles, Indianapolis Colts, Green Bay Packers, or any another legitimate NFL contender that had a record better than 2-6 and was in a position in which a top player’s absence would actually make a difference. “The important thing is it’s nothing serious, just a few meaningless matchups in an already-lost season. Your injury will in no way prevent you from competing in games with real stakes.” At press time, sources confirmed Skattebo was feeling much better after being reminded that even when he did play again, it would still only be with the Giants.

The post Cam Skattebo Assured He’ll Only Be Missing Giants Games appeared first on The Onion.

Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 00:30:00 +0000

The post Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline appeared first on The Onion.

Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli’s Mentorship

The Onion Staff — Tue, 28 Oct 2025 22:52:55 +0000

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that he’d already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of Texas quarterback Arch Manning confirmed Tuesday that he was quickly running out of polite, semi-plausible excuses to avoid mentorship from his uncle Eli. “He means well, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I really don’t need him FaceTiming me every day and saying stuff like, ‘A Super Bowl winner I sense in you, young padawan,’” said Manning, adding that while he respects his uncle’s experience as a player, he’s not exactly champing at the bit to have a 44-year-old teach him “how to chop it and spin it like Chad Powers.” “It’s just kind of embarrassing, you know? Last time he came to one of my games, he kept fist-bumping my teammates and saying he was there to help me unlock my ‘Manning DNA.’ I had to fake a hamstring injury because he kept trying to run me through footwork drills. I can’t keep doing this.” At press time, Manning was reportedly hiding out in the training room after Eli showed up unannounced with a stack of old Giants playbooks for “a little impromptu QB clinic.”

The post Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli’s Mentorship appeared first on The Onion.

Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables

The Onion Staff — Sun, 19 Oct 2025 17:00:00 +0000

KANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the grueling NFL season, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly urged star defensive tackle Chris Jones on Wednesday to soak in a piping-hot tub filled with chopped carrots, onions, celery, and bay leaves. “Hop on in, big guy—I’ve got this water seasoned just right to soothe and tenderize those sore muscles,” said Reid, wearing a chef’s hat over his headset as he stirred the water with a large wooden paddle and periodically added peppercorns, kosher salt, and rosemary to help “open up [Jones’] pores” and draw out “toxins and flavor.” “Stay in there for about eight hours so all these healing ingredients can deeply penetrate your tissues. You’ll know you’re fully recovered when your internal temperature is around 160 degrees. In the meantime, rub yourself down with this garlic to help with inflammation, and pay no mind if I come over and poke you with a fork from time to time—it’s a special acupuncture technique that’ll really get those savory juices flowing.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Reid was licking his lips and adding a couple of sticks of butter to the tub as he muttered, “God, you’re gonna be so nice and tender and ready to play after this,” to his slow-braising player.

The post Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables appeared first on The Onion.

Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold

The Onion Staff — Sat, 18 Oct 2025 22:30:00 +0000

The post Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold appeared first on The Onion.

Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible

The Onion Staff — Sun, 12 Oct 2025 13:30:00 +0000

PITTSBURGH—In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic audible during the Steelers’ opening drive against the Browns. “He seemed like he was in a good rhythm, and then suddenly he’s on the turf clutching his head, screaming for someone to bring over his crystals,” said Steelers head trainer Gabe Amponsah, who explained that the injury occurred when Rodgers unsuccessfully tried to call a third-down shift to a post route by transmitting “pure cognitive energy” directly to teammates’ minds, triggering immediate physical paralysis and a strange metallic taste in his mouth. “When I got out on the field, he told me a dark spiritual force had blocked his mindspeak and that something inside his brain had popped. Aaron insisted he could stay in the game by astrally projecting into a different form, but he was clearly in severe psychogenic distress and needed to come out.” At press time, Rodgers was reportedly in stable condition after donning a homemade neuro-healing helmet fashioned from a colander, D batteries, and the feathers of rare birds in an effort to realign his cerebral vibrations with his True Consciousness.

The post Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible appeared first on The Onion.