Monkeypox is on the rise, with nearly 1,000 cases of the infectious disease reported across the United States. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about monkeypox.
Q: How do you catch monkeypox? A: Through a bite or scratch from an infected animal, via air droplets, or by touching an infected person to see what their blisters feel like.
Q: What’s the worst symptom? A: The burning sense of shame you feel about catching something called monkeypox.
Q: What are the side effects? A: Flu-like symptoms and misplaced bigotry.
Q: How effective is ivermectin in treating monkeypox? A: Not this again.
Q: How many Americans have died from either monkeypox or the Challenger spacecraft explosion? A: Seven.
Q: Is monkeypox a pandemic? A: Only by old 2019 standards.
Q: What should I know about how the disease is spread? A: Until we understand more about it, it’s best to operate under the basic assumption that it’s gay people’s fault.
Q: Why didn’t global health officials stop the outbreak when they had a chance? A: No virus is taken seriously until it leaves Africa.
Q: Can monkeypox be transmitted sexually? A: If the mood is right, sure.
Q: Is the nation’s healthcare infrastructure equipped to handle an unexpected overload on our hospitals caused by a new epidemic? A: Take a wild guess.
