Children Archives - The Onion

Malaysia Bans Social Media For Children Under 16

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Dec 2025 20:26:43 +0000

Starting in 2026, Malaysia will ban social media accounts for anyone under 16, joining other countries such as Australia in imposing digital age limits. What do you think?

“Man, pedophiles just can’t catch a break.”
Madison Herczeg, Gorilla Groomer

“I guess I’ll have to start meeting underage kids the old fashioned way.”
Derek Wilgus, Retired Tourist

“Can Malaysia afford to fall behind in teenage depression?”
Jimbo Loftin, Salt Packager

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AI-Enabled Teddy Bear Pulled From Shelves For Giving Advice On BDSM, Where To Find Knives

The Onion Staff — Mon, 24 Nov 2025 20:12:32 +0000

Sales of an AI-enabled plush teddy bear were suspended after it was found to have given children explicit sexual content and dangerous guidance, such as where to find knives in the home and discussions of fetishes. What do you think?

“Looks like I picked a good year to forget my daughter’s birthday.”
Ethan Grigg, Diner Promoter

“To be fair, I learned a lot about my sexuality from my Stretch Armstrong doll.”
Portia Balenti, Chicken Behaviorist

“At least the information was probably incorrect.”
Max Thorne, Gear Oiler

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Sister Insanely Letting 98-Year-Old Grandma Hold Newborn

The Onion Staff — Wed, 12 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

GUILFORD, CT—Watching in horror as he silently calculated whether he would be able to dive and catch the dropped infant before its body hit the floor, local man Ken Esposito told reporters Wednesday that his sister was insanely letting their 98-year-old grandma hold her newborn. “Are you sure Grandma can support the baby’s head with her arthritic hands?” said Esposito, looking around nervously to see if any of his cousins were also concerned by the idea of handing a vulnerable infant over to an extremely frail woman who had long since lost any grasp on reality. “Come on, the baby is, like, 9 pounds, and Grandma doesn’t have any grip strength. I mean, Jesus Christ, she can’t even hold up a ladle anymore! Why would you even want a picture of this? Grandma is not looking good. This could go sideways real quick.” At press time, the tense situation had reportedly been defused when the grandmother was given a doll to hold instead, which she instantly believed was the real thing.

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DHS: ‘Daycare Workers Have Walked Freely in This Country For Far Too Long’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 19:59:16 +0000

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming the Trump administration’s promise to crack down on individuals providing supervision and instruction to youngsters across the United States, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem stated at a press conference Thursday that daycare workers have walked freely in this country for far too long. “Time and time again, we have allowed these people to watch our kids while we’re at work with no consequences,” said Noem, adding that caregivers would no longer get off scot-free for tending to children’s every need. “Previous administrations have done nothing while these dangerous offenders indoctrinated our children with letters, shapes, and numbers. But now America is back, and we will not stand for this. The Biden-era nightmare of childcare providers doling out apple juice with impunity is finally over. Americans can sleep soundly knowing that ICE remains dedicated to getting these caregivers out of our essential workforce.” Noem then stepped away from the podium to deal with staffing shortages that arose when DHS employees could no longer find childcare.

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All 6 Branches Of Armed Forces Present At Arrest Of Undocumented Nanny

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—In what they described as a collaborative effort to share resources and information in defense of U.S. territory, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that all six branches of the armed forces were present at the arrest of undocumented nanny Paola Soto. “It was like the invasion of Normandy the way every American military division descended on that baby’s bedroom, where the nanny was working,” said neighbor Valerie Beatty, explaining that the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, and Space Force all appeared to work in a coordinated fashion, employing more than $75 billion worth of defense technology and top-secret surveillance equipment to ensure the successful detainment of the 64-year-old Guatemalan migrant. “She’s small, maybe 5 feet tall, but she somehow looked even smaller as they swarmed around her in their helicopters, fighter jets, Humvees, and tanks. They told us it was necessary to guarantee her arrest went smoothly. Honestly, I have no idea how the Navy even got a submarine this far inland.” At press time, the undocumented nanny had reportedly escaped after all six branches of the U.S. military fell to friendly fire.

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New Mexico Becomes First State To Offer Free Child Care

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 18:14:25 +0000

New Mexico will become the first U.S. state to offer free child care to all residents regardless of income, saving families up to about $12,000 per child each year. What do you think?

“Yeah, but I bet you have to pay for other stuff you want.”
Holly Choo, Grape Peeler

“Any states offering a free RAV4?”
John Wickwire, Plaque Engraver

“But child care is so cheap. All you need is a fence and some oatmeal.”
Seth Bemke, Napkin Folder

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ICE Agent, 7-Year-Old Both Wearing Same ‘Military Commando’ Halloween Costume

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 17:56:36 +0000

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Doula Asks To Keep Baby

The Onion Staff — Mon, 27 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

SEATTLE—After guiding her client through a grueling 12-hour natural home birth, local doula Raquel Parker reportedly asked mother Melanie Kendrick on Monday if she could keep the baby. “Oooh, you guys mind if I take this?” said Parker, adding that she would throw in a 10% discount on her birthing coach services if Kendrick and her husband let her take the newborn back to her apartment and raise it as her own daughter. “Jeez, I was just asking. You guys already have, like, two or three kids, so I assumed you might be cool with me taking this one off your hands. Plus, I’ve got tons of experience with kids as an aunt, so I’d do an awesome job taking care of it. Not to mention I only live, like, a 45-minute drive away, so if you ever wanted to come play with the baby, or just set up a FaceTime, we could totally work something out. If you’re dead set on keeping the baby, though, I totally get it. You’re not doing anything with this placenta, though, right?” At press time, sources confirmed that Parker had slipped the newborn into her purse before leaving.

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Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider

The Onion Staff — Wed, 15 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ST. LOUIS—According to sources inside the 2006 Honda Civic, area father Michael Lothan’s drive home Wednesday, which took a shortcut through a nearby wealthy neighborhood, exposed his children to his shortcomings as a provider. “Why are all these houses so big if there’s just one family living in them?” said Lothan’s 7-year-old son, Theo, while his 9-year-old daughter, Riley, sat silently with her forehead pressed against the window, seeing three-car garages, in-ground pools, and manicured lawns on the well-maintained street and beginning to grasp in a real way her father’s numerous inadequacies. “What does that family even do with three satellite dishes, Dad? Do they have more than one TV? And look, those kids are playing on a full basketball court. All these houses have nice circular driveways, too. Why don’t you want us to live in a place like this, Dad?” At press time, Lothan reportedly made a weak attempt to assure his dubious children that “money isn’t everything” as they pulled up to the faded split-level that served as a physical representation of his failure as a man.

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ATP Reveals They’re Not Sure Where Ball Boys Come From

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Sep 2025 15:17:13 +0000

LONDON—Admitting complete ignorance as to the mysterious origins of the creatures, the Association of Tennis Professionals revealed to reporters Wednesday that they weren’t entirely sure where ball boys came from. “People always assume the ball boys are our employees, but for as long as I can remember, they just show up on tournament days on their own,” said association chairman Andrea Gaudenzi, referring to the hundreds of anonymous, semi-feral members of the ATP Tour’s ball crew, who he noted were seemingly incapable of human speech and instead communicated with one another through a language of high-pitched chirps as they frantically retrieved tennis balls. “We’re pretty sure they live in a network of tunnels beneath the courts—you can hear them skittering around down there after the sun sets. But we truly have no idea who trains them or gives them those matching uniforms. They just show up and know exactly what to do.” Gaudenzi then warned against getting in the way of the ball boys when they’re doing their job, as they won’t hesitate to bite.

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4-Year-Old Accepted Into Mensa

The Onion Staff — Tue, 09 Sep 2025 17:58:20 +0000

A 4-year-old from Illinois who scored 156 out of 160 on an IQ test was accepted into Mensa, the largest and oldest high-IQ organization in the world. What do you think?

“Whoa, that kid must know a lot of colors.”
Kelli Zandman, Junior Chaplain

“I’ve heard enough to hate him.”
Marvin Bybee, Allergy Expert

“My 4-year-old can barely do our taxes.”
Lou Robbins, Rebuttal Writer

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Congress Plays Keep-Away With Child’s School Lunch

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—After entering a school cafeteria in D.C. and wrenching a brown paper bag from the hands of a small child, U.S. senators and representatives taunted a 7-year-old student and played keep-away with his lunch, sources reported Tuesday.

The sack lunch, which belonged to Stanton Elementary second grader Lucas Henderson and is said to have contained a turkey sandwich, apple slices, baby carrots, and a juice box, was reportedly tossed back and forth by several members of Congress who refused to return the boy’s food and always kept it just out of his reach.

“If you want to eat, you’re going to have to jump for it!” said Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), laughing as he dangled the bag above the head of the 4-foot-tall child, who leapt in vain as he attempted to retrieve his one reliable meal of the day. “Heh, too slow! You gotta be quicker than that, dweeb. Oh…are you too weak to grab it from us? Sucks to suck, I guess.”

“Okay, fine, here, you can have it,” Paul continued as he momentarily feigned returning the lunch to Henderson. “Psych!”

Henderson

According to witnesses, Rep. Rich McCormick (R-GA) shouted “Go long!” and threw the bag in a high arc across the cafeteria and into the hands of Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), who then handed it off to Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN). She, in turn, zigzagged through the tables with the food, staying one step ahead of the red-faced Henderson as he tried to reclaim it.

At one point, members of the Senate Subcommittee on Education and the American Family were seen forming a chain and passing the lunch from one person to the next, high over the boy’s outstretched hands.

Congressional aides told reporters it was not unusual for lawmakers to find kids they believed were easy targets and then spend their entire legislative recess tormenting them. The trouble they caused on Tuesday appeared to have Henderson on the verge of tears.

“Oh, are you gonna cry now? Does the little baby want his lunch?” said House Budget chair Jodey Arrington (R-TX), who informed Henderson that he was welcome to have a “knuckle sandwich” and then put the 55-pound child in a headlock, punching him in the stomach. “You’re such a fucking wuss. This is punishment for not taking your hunger like a man.”

“Here, have a drink, at least,” added Arrington, taking apple juice from the brown bag and pouring it over the boy’s head.

Suggesting he could probably find something to eat “down there somewhere,” Reps. Ben Cline (R-VA) and Mary Miller (R-IL) picked up Henderson and dumped him headfirst into a 40-gallon trash bin containing students’ uneaten lunch scraps and half-empty cartons of souring milk.

“Sorry, no lunch for you today—guess you just have to eat shit,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) told Henderson as she threw his lunch to the floor and ground it beneath the heel of her pump. “Don’t blame me. I’m just doing my part to combat childhood obesity. It’s not my fault you’re a fat loser.”

“Maybe try not to be such a little bitch next time,” the three-term representative added.

After members of Congress left the school and returned to the Hill for a vote on a budgetary measure, Rep. Greene was observed hurling the child’s lunch onto the roof of the Capitol.

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