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Vol 61: Issue 36

American Voices

Putin, Xi Discuss Immortality On Hot Mic

Russian and Chinese Presidents Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping were overheard on a hot mic during a Beijing military parade discussing continuous organ transplants and…
Politics

Trump Boys Beg Father To Let Them Keep Homeless Man As Pet

WASHINGTON—Running into several White House staff members as they tried to sneak their new friend inside, the Trump boys reportedly begged their father Tuesday to…
News

New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT

OpenAI announced new safety features will be soon coming to ChatGPT in an effort to better protect teens and others experiencing “acute distress.” The Onion…
American Voices

Florida Eliminates All Vaccine Mandates

Florida’s surgeon general announced that the state will eliminate all childhood vaccine mandates, although legislative approval may still be required. What do you think?
Sports

Andy Reid Gently Tells Travis Kelce What Expected Of Him On Wedding Night

KANSAS CITY, MO—Stressing that preparation was important both on and off the field, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly sat tight end Travis Kelce down…
Football, Sports

‘People Who Go In That Locker Room Come Out…Different,’ Jets Custodian Warns Aaron Glenn

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Speaking grimly as he mopped the floor beneath flickering fluorescent lights, longtime MetLife Stadium custodian Keith Browning reportedly approached first year New York…

Football, Sports

Fantasy Football Draft Good Excuse To See How Weird-Looking Everyone Getting

SAN DIEGO—Calling the in-person gathering an exciting chance to check in on old friends, local resident Anthony Crews told reporters Thursday that this week’s in-person…
Entertainment

Everything We Know About ‘Euphoria’ Season 3 So Far

Filming for Euphoria Season 3 is underway with an expected release date of 2026. Here is everything we know about the series’ return so far.…
News

Mourners Unaware They Burying Knockoff Giorgio Armani
News

Planet Fitness Bans Proper Form

HAMPTON, NH—Stressing its commitment to making everyone feel welcome regardless of athletic ability, national gym franchise Planet Fitness instituted a new policy Thursday that bans…
Local

Mailman Too Old To Be Out There
News

Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans’ Thoughts

BALTIMORE—Identifying a disturbing behavioral trend likely to have profound health consequences, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that ultra-processed foods…

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