Dads Archives - The Onion

Dad Calling Just To Say He Loves King Crimson

The Onion Staff — Thu, 13 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

BROCKTON, MA—Acknowledging that he doesn’t get the chance to say it that often, but emphasizing that it doesn’t make it any less true, the father of local resident Eric Flores reportedly called him Thursday night just to say he loves King Crimson. “Hey, champ, I wanted to drop you a line to tell you that I love King Crimson—always have, always will,” said James Flores, 71, adding that while he has sometimes been hard on the legendary progressive rock band, particularly during their Double Trio period and the release of their Thrakattak live album, he loves King Crimson with all his heart and is proud of the man Robert Fripp has become. “I sometimes can’t believe how many years have passed since King Crimson entered my life. But from the moment I first saw them [live at the Orpheum Theatre on the Three of a Perfect Pair tour], they became the center of my universe. I just love King Crimson so, so much. And Gentle Giant too, of course.” When reached for further comment, the elder Flores’ voice was inaudible over the opening strains of “One More Red Nightmare.”

The post Dad Calling Just To Say He Loves King Crimson appeared first on The Onion.

Dad Shushes Family While Focused On Jumbotron Hat Shuffle

The Onion Staff — Thu, 16 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Narrowing his eyes and raising a single finger to silence those around him, local dad Mark Fahlen reportedly shushed his entire family Thursday evening while focusing intently on the jumbotron hat shuffle at Dodger Stadium. “Shut up, shut up, I need to lock in on this,” said Fahlen, snapping at his wife and two children as he stared unblinkingly at the animated hats rapidly switching positions on the screen and tried to keep track of which cap had the ball underneath. “No one talk, I gotta win this. It’s under the left hat—wait, no, middle hat. Back to left hat. Fuck, almost lost it. Everyone please shut up till this is done.” According to witnesses, Fahlen later pumped his fist in triumph and claimed to have correctly chosen the left hat, despite having shouted “Right!” just before the ball was revealed.

The post Dad Shushes Family While Focused On Jumbotron Hat Shuffle appeared first on The Onion.

Dad Spends Retirement Untangling Big Mess Of Wires

The Onion Staff — Thu, 10 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000

WALNUT CREEK, CA—Expressing relief that he finally had the free time to explore his interests and hobbies, local 64-year-old dad Peter Hopkins announced Thursday that he was spending his retirement untangling a big mess of wires. “I’ve been wanting to go through this stuff for ages,” said the former account director, who reportedly paced back and forth to get a good visual on the jumbled mix of Ethernet cables, old phone chargers, and RCA connectors, noting that the task should keep his mind sharp and body active for a good 10 to 15 years at least. “My plan is to start with the TV wires, then slowly work my way through the computer cords, until all that’s left is the stuff I don’t recognize. Looks like there’s a good pair of USB headphones and a practically brand new VGA cable, too. Hopefully, I can get those loose within two or three years.” At press time, Hopkins was said to have thrown the heap of wires to the floor and cursed, declaring he would get back to the task after a long nap.

The post Dad Spends Retirement Untangling Big Mess Of Wires appeared first on The Onion.

Dad Carrying 2-Person Inner Tube Up Waterslide Steps Like Christ Bearing Cross

The Onion Staff — Wed, 02 Jul 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The post Dad Carrying 2-Person Inner Tube Up Waterslide Steps Like Christ Bearing Cross appeared first on The Onion.

Report: It Will Never Feel Right Seeing Dad In Backseat Of Car

The Onion Staff — Fri, 27 Jun 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Noting that the change in status was disconcerting and weird for everyone involved, family sources released a report Thursday confirming that it would never feel right seeing Dad in the backseat of the car. “It’s just wrong to look in the rearview mirror and see Dad sitting back there like a little kid,” read the report, which noted that while Dad was once a formidable presence capable of taking up physical and emotional space, he was actually looking pretty frail these days. “It’s so disorienting to watch him fumble with the seatbelt or, God forbid, hear him ask for help putting it on. The worst part is when you look back and notice he’s just quietly staring out the rear passenger window. Sure, it’s weird when Mom is in the backseat, but it pales in comparison to seeing Dad back there.” The report added that to help the patriarch maintain his dignity, the car’s driver should pretend to be preoccupied during the long, excruciating process of Dad pulling himself up and exiting the vehicle.

The post Report: It Will Never Feel Right Seeing Dad In Backseat Of Car appeared first on The Onion.

Father’s Day Gift Wrapped In Paper Towel

The Onion Staff — Fri, 13 Jun 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The post Father’s Day Gift Wrapped In Paper Towel appeared first on The Onion.

Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son’s Leg

The Onion Staff — Fri, 09 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000

DANBURY, CT—Expressing immense satisfaction with the recently purchased device’s performance, area dad Frank Hoyer confirmed Friday that he was impressed by how easily a new lawn mower tore through his son Alan’s leg. “Look at this thing go—didn’t even hiccup gliding through all that tibia!” Hoyer said as he wiped a streak of blood from his brow, adding that he reckoned the machine could have handled a leg twice as large as his son’s without any difficulty. “Boy, you can really feel that extra horsepower at work. All that bone and sinew would have been way too much for our old mower to handle. I doubt it could have made it past your ankle. But this beaut handled that big, bony kneecap no problem, nice and smooth. And that high-capacity bag could probably hold a couple dozen more legs before I’d ever have to empty it! Sorry, pal, but I can’t take you to the hospital just yet. I’ve got to see what else this baby can do!” At press time, Hoyer reportedly asked his son to stick out his other leg so he could show off the lawn mower’s power to their neighbor Jim.

The post Dad Impressed By How Easily New Lawn Mower Tore Through Son’s Leg appeared first on The Onion.

Dad Has Some Choice Words About Hotel Bathroom’s Caulking

The Onion Staff — Thu, 01 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000

HONOLULU—Refusing to pull any punches in his appraisal of the shoddy workmanship, vacationing dad David Stayton reportedly had some choice words about his hotel bathroom’s caulking, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “Jeez Louise, looks like it was somebody’s first time taking the caulking gun for a spin,” said Stayton as he grimly surveyed the “disaster zone” in his suite’s bathroom, adding that a half-assed job like this was all but asking for trouble with black mold and dry rot down the line. “You can’t honestly look at this caulking and think it’s gonna be anywhere near effective enough at keeping out moisture. It couldn’t stand up to a light sneeze, let alone a hot, steamy shower. Oh c’mon, don’t tell me these bozos actually applied new caulk without fully removing the old stuff first! Unbelievable. Whatever they got paid for this job, it was too much. My expectations were low as soon as I saw the botch job they did on the tiles, but this caulking makes that grout work look like a goddamn masterpiece in comparison. Okay, you all go ahead down to the beach without me. I’ve got to call down to the front desk to see if they’ll knock a little off our room rate for this travesty.” At press time, Stayton was reportedly looking up the location of the nearest home improvement store so he could “show these amateurs how it’s done.”

The post Dad Has Some Choice Words About Hotel Bathroom’s Caulking appeared first on The Onion.