Drugs Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/tag/drugs/ America’s Finest News Source Thu, 04 Dec 2025 20:54:04 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/cropped-site-icon.png?w=32 Drugs Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/tag/drugs/ 32 32 234789167 Pentagon Blames Venezuela For Flow Of Drugs Into Kash Patel https://theonion.com/pentagon-blames-venezuela-for-flow-of-drugs-into-kash-patel/ Tue, 18 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851693489 WASHINGTON—Calling the national crisis “a complete justification” for additional airstrikes on boats purportedly trafficking narcotics, the Pentagon issued a statement Tuesday blaming Venezuela for the flow of drugs into Kash Patel. “Day after day, Venezuela’s violent cartels smuggle illicit narcotics across the border and into our country’s FBI director,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, adding […]

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]]> WASHINGTON—Calling the national crisis “a complete justification” for additional airstrikes on boats purportedly trafficking narcotics, the Pentagon issued a statement Tuesday blaming Venezuela for the flow of drugs into Kash Patel. “Day after day, Venezuela’s violent cartels smuggle illicit narcotics across the border and into our country’s FBI director,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, adding that the South American nation was responsible for 90% of the illicit chemicals flowing through Patel’s veins at any given moment. “This week we destroyed a vessel that was loaded with enough drugs to make Kash Patel humiliate himself during multiple press appearances, and God only knows how many more boats are on their way. Kash once had a bright future, but the narco-terrorists have turned him into a shell of a man who is constantly covered in sweat and clearly losing his mind. We are not afraid to use violence to prevent Venezuelan drug traffickers from continuing to make billions of dollars off Kash Patel.” According to administration officials, Hegseth has repeatedly attempted to help the FBI director by advising him to switch to booze.

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]]> 1851693489 Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold https://theonion.com/mascot-doing-fentanyl-fold/ Sat, 18 Oct 2025 22:30:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851692136 The post Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold appeared first on The Onion.

]]> The post Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851692136 ‘Task’ Teams Up With Wawa For New Fentanyl Brick Hoagie https://theonion.com/task-teams-up-with-wawa-for-new-fentanyl-brick-hoagie/ Fri, 10 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691795 The post ‘Task’ Teams Up With Wawa For New Fentanyl Brick Hoagie appeared first on The Onion.

]]> The post ‘Task’ Teams Up With Wawa For New Fentanyl Brick Hoagie appeared first on The Onion.

]]> 1851691795 Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums  https://theonion.com/nobel-prize-in-medicine-awarded-to-tums/ Mon, 06 Oct 2025 18:39:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691639 STOCKHOLM—In an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to the over-the-counter chewable antacid Tums. “What Tums has achieved was long thought impossible: a fruit-flavored tablet capable of quickly neutralizing acid reflux even after a person […]

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]]> STOCKHOLM—In an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded Monday to the over-the-counter chewable antacid Tums. “What Tums has achieved was long thought impossible: a fruit-flavored tablet capable of quickly neutralizing acid reflux even after a person has eaten dozens of jalapeño poppers,” said Olle Kämpe, chair of the Nobel Prize Committee for Physiology or Medicine, adding that the panel was particularly impressed by the scientific rigor behind Tums’ catchy jingle and its pioneering development of colorful little miracle tablets. “How often have we been unduly punished by our own bodies for having one too many chili dogs? How many generations have accepted that bloating is the inevitable price of enjoying a greasy bacon double cheeseburger? Tums allows our children to grow up in a world where they can house two dozen Buffalo wings without the consequence of an upset stomach.” At press time, Tums had also been awarded the James Beard Award for Excellence in Tropical Flavoring.

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]]> 1851691639 Trump Announces TrumpRx Website For Prescription Drugs https://theonion.com/trump-announces-trumprx-website-for-prescription-drugs/ Mon, 06 Oct 2025 14:05:02 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691609 Through a new government-run website called TrumpRx, drug manufacturers will sell prescription medicines directly to consumers at lower-than-retail prices, but insurance will not be accepted. What do you think?

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]]> Through a new government-run website called TrumpRx, drug manufacturers will sell prescription medicines directly to consumers at lower-than-retail prices, but insurance will not be accepted. What do you think?

“Thanks, but the pills I buy at the gas station are already pretty cheap.”

Tanner Mills, Historical Preserver

“Finally, someone’s found a way to profit off the American healthcare system.”

Clyde Sexton, Cape Cleaner

“I worry Trump will think less of me once he learns what medications I’m on.”

Emelia Persong, Film Consultant

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]]> 1851691609 Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlord’s Visit https://theonion.com/meth-lab-straightened-up-ahead-of-landlords-visit/ Mon, 06 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851684899 MESA, AZ—As he hastily hung a framed picture over some unsightly bullet holes in the wall, local man Clyde Walker told reporters Monday that he was straightening up his meth lab ahead of an anticipated visit from his landlord. “Just doing a bit of cleaning to get the meth kitchen spick-and-span before Gary comes by,” Walker […]

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]]> MESA, AZ—As he hastily hung a framed picture over some unsightly bullet holes in the wall, local man Clyde Walker told reporters Monday that he was straightening up his meth lab ahead of an anticipated visit from his landlord. “Just doing a bit of cleaning to get the meth kitchen spick-and-span before Gary comes by,” Walker said as he took out a trash bag full of empty Sudafed boxes and plastic tubes, explaining that his landlord was a real stickler about shards of glass from shattered beakers littering the floor. “He’s gonna be all over my ass if I don’t get these burn marks out of the carpet. After that, all I gotta do is put the corrosive lye away and straighten up my lithium batteries, and I should be pretty much set.” When he arrived for his visit, sources confirmed Walker’s landlord was furious to discover a messy explosion that had been caused by his tenant lighting a candle to cover up the smell of anhydrous ammonia. 

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]]> 1851684899 Trump Administration Attempts To Link Autism To Tylenol https://theonion.com/trump-administration-attempts-to-link-autism-to-tylenol/ Wed, 24 Sep 2025 17:44:12 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691155 The Trump administration claimed that taking acetaminophen during pregnancy might increase autism risk, advising against the common over-the-counter drug despite its use by a majority of pregnant women. What do you think?

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]]> The Trump administration claimed that taking acetaminophen during pregnancy might increase autism risk, advising against the common over-the-counter drug despite its use by a majority of pregnant women. What do you think?

“I guess it’s back to laudanum.”

Tre Duncan, Sauce Mixer

“I’ll defer to the experts on this one. I’m not a former environmental lawyer.”

Rosetta Castillo, Ferret Breeder

“I’m just going to listen to whatever my family shaman recommends.”

Sam Ellis, Sweepstakes Participant

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]]> 1851691155 Charli XCX, George Daniel Gather Wedding Guests To Cut The Coke https://theonion.com/charli-xcx-george-daniel-gather-wedding-guests-to-cut-the-coke/ Mon, 15 Sep 2025 19:02:18 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851688990 SCOPELLO, SICILY—Beaming before the elegant pile of white powder, Charli XCX and her new husband George Daniel reportedly gathered their wedding guests together Sunday to cut the cocaine. “Wow, just look at that thing—it’s gorgeous,” said wedding guest Lucy Rumsey, who clapped and cheered as the pop star picked up a credit card and Daniel […]

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]]> SCOPELLO, SICILY—Beaming before the elegant pile of white powder, Charli XCX and her new husband George Daniel reportedly gathered their wedding guests together Sunday to cut the cocaine. “Wow, just look at that thing—it’s gorgeous,” said wedding guest Lucy Rumsey, who clapped and cheered as the pop star picked up a credit card and Daniel put his hand over hers so the pair could perform the ritual together. “Aw, look at the two of them. You can tell it’s the happiest day of their lives. The photos are going to be so cute. I told myself I wasn’t going to have any, but now that I see how beautiful it looks, I think I have to have a sliver.” At press time, sources confirmed the newlyweds were playfully smashing each other’s face with the coke.

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]]> 1851688990 U.S. Military Strikes Boat Allegedly Carrying Cartel Members https://theonion.com/u-s-military-strikes-boat-allegedly-carrying-cartel-members/ Thu, 04 Sep 2025 21:10:10 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851690406 The U.S. military struck and killed 11 people aboard a Venezuelan vessel that President Trump alleged were smuggling narcotics, with critics questioning the legality and evidence behind the operation. What do you think?

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]]> The U.S. military struck and killed 11 people aboard a Venezuelan vessel that President Trump alleged were smuggling narcotics, with critics questioning the legality and evidence behind the operation. What do you think?

“Sounds like we’ve seen the last of drugs.”

Ray Agruss, Repair Specialist

“Finally, people can feel safe swimming to Venezuela again.”

Matt Zieme, Pastry Historian

“That boat was headed straight towards D.C. or Chicago, I know it.”

Leigh Tomboulian, Ore Extractor

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]]> 1851690406 How Marijuana Affects The Brain https://theonion.com/how-marijuana-affects-the-brain/ Wed, 03 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851688687 The post How Marijuana Affects The Brain appeared first on The Onion.

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How Marijuana Affects The Brain

As expanded access leads to increased pot use nationwide, health experts say it’s more important than ever to understand the effects of the drug on mental health. Click the highlighted sections to learn how marijuana affects the brain.

  • Brain’s neighbor, the brain stem, becomes furious at stench and starts banging on the skull

  • Something else we can’t remember

  • Don’t shoot the messenger, but safer driving

  • Brain may walk to grocery store
    in pajamas at 3 p.m.

  • Drowsiness, often caused by a friend wanting
    to talk about whether we’re actually living
    in a computer simulation

  • All thoughts now set to the tune
    of “Incense And Peppermints”

  • Decreases anxiety, making user more open
    and welcoming to Satan’s influence

  • Triggers dangerous hallucinations, such as thinking The Doors are good

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]]> 1851688687 Heroin Overdose Serves As Wake-Up Call To Keep Doing Heroin But Smarter https://theonion.com/heroin-overdose-serves-as-wake-up-call-to-keep-doing-heroin-but-smarter/ Tue, 19 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851688701 CINCINNATI—Claiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on doing heroin but just be smarter about it. “That’s it. Tomorrow I’m buying a digital scale, and from now on I’m only using on weekends […]

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]]> CINCINNATI—Claiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on doing heroin but just be smarter about it. “That’s it. Tomorrow I’m buying a digital scale, and from now on I’m only using on weekends or after work if it was a super hard day,” said York, explaining that the close call had provided him with the clarity to realize he needed to do the hard work of finding a more trustworthy dealer instead of shooting up whatever sketchy back-alley stuff he could score. “Waking up in that hospital bed really opened my eyes to the fact that I need to get my shit together and actually measure out how much heroin I’m putting on that spoon. Plus, I’m done sharing needles, unless I know for sure the guy who used it before me was clean. I mean, I’m an adult. I can’t be doing smack the way I did in college. I’ll even start pounding speed so I’m alert enough to get myself to the ER. Trust me, next time I OD it’ll be with people I trust instead of alone in a Marshalls fitting room.” At press time, sources said York’s plan was totally working, and he was now a fully functional member of society.

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]]> 1851688701 FDA Drug Approval AI Generates Fake Studies https://theonion.com/fda-drug-approval-ai-generates-fake-studies/ Fri, 25 Jul 2025 19:32:51 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851688370 The FDA’s new AI designed to speed up drug approvals has been found to fabricate studies and misrepresent research. What do you think?

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]]> The FDA’s new AI designed to speed up drug approvals has been found to fabricate studies and misrepresent research. What do you think?

“This is why there shouldn’t be an approval process for drugs.”

Bernard Davies, Cheese Sampler

“I prefer to not know what drugs will do to me anyway.”

Heidi Keohan, Staple Separator

“But it’s generating fake studies faster and more efficiently than any human could.”

Chuck Trammell, Zucchini Fryer

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