Vol 61: Issue 42 Archives - The Onion

Travis Kelce Part Of Investor Group Aiming To Revive Six Flags

The Onion Staff — Mon, 27 Oct 2025 16:42:26 +0000

An investor group that includes Travis Kelce has acquired about 9% of Six Flags Entertainment Corporation, planning to advocate for strategic changes to improve visitor experience. What do you think?

“Great, now all the rides are gonna be about football.”
Lila Anderson, Yarn Spooler

“I fear outside investors will just turn Six Flags into some kind of vapid money-making enterprise.”
Kenji Tanaka, Emulsion Specialist

“This explains Taylor Swift’s new song about riding Wrath of Rakshasa with your lover.”
Noah Abramov, Piñata Craftsman

The post Travis Kelce Part Of Investor Group Aiming To Revive Six Flags appeared first on The Onion.

Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables

The Onion Staff — Sun, 19 Oct 2025 17:00:00 +0000

KANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the grueling NFL season, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly urged star defensive tackle Chris Jones on Wednesday to soak in a piping-hot tub filled with chopped carrots, onions, celery, and bay leaves. “Hop on in, big guy—I’ve got this water seasoned just right to soothe and tenderize those sore muscles,” said Reid, wearing a chef’s hat over his headset as he stirred the water with a large wooden paddle and periodically added peppercorns, kosher salt, and rosemary to help “open up [Jones’] pores” and draw out “toxins and flavor.” “Stay in there for about eight hours so all these healing ingredients can deeply penetrate your tissues. You’ll know you’re fully recovered when your internal temperature is around 160 degrees. In the meantime, rub yourself down with this garlic to help with inflammation, and pay no mind if I come over and poke you with a fork from time to time—it’s a special acupuncture technique that’ll really get those savory juices flowing.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Reid was licking his lips and adding a couple of sticks of butter to the tub as he muttered, “God, you’re gonna be so nice and tender and ready to play after this,” to his slow-braising player.

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Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold

The Onion Staff — Sat, 18 Oct 2025 22:30:00 +0000

The post Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold appeared first on The Onion.

Young Republicans Under Fire Over Racist, Homophobic Group Chat

The Onion Staff — Sat, 18 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

Young Republican leaders sparked bipartisan condemnation over a leaked cache of thousands of racist, antisemitic, and homophobic texts, with Vice President JD Vance dismissing the messages as mere jokes. What do you think?

“I’m happy to see young Republicans still care about upholding traditional conservative values.”
Wes Turner, Glitter Packager

“As a Republican, I’m disgusted to see there’s a group chat saying these things without me.”
Elijah Davis, Litigation Enthusiast

“Your future shouldn’t be ruined over dumb stuff you said when you were Republican.”
Isabelle Kim, Ham Distributor

The post Young Republicans Under Fire Over Racist, Homophobic Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.

‘Thank You For That Question,’ Responds Eric Adams To Swarm Of Rats He Forced To Act Out Debate

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 19:28:08 +0000

NEW YORK—Expressing gratitude for the opportunity to correct the record against his opponents, current New York City mayor and former candidate for reelection Eric Adams reportedly said “Thank you for that question” Thursday to a group of rats he had captured and forced to act out a private debate in his Gracie Mansion bedroom. “It’s interesting you ask me that, Mr. Moderator—I certainly would have to say that the best part of New York is its people,” said Adams, who paused to grab one of the rats he had sewn into a tiny suit and tie, repositioning it behind a small cardboard podium before it could scurry away. “What was that? Why, yes, I did have a wonderful trip to Albania. I met with many business leaders to discuss new opportunities for New York. I’m happy to talk about these things, unlike some of the politicians on this stage, who are too busy nibbling on their cheese cubes to bother answering your questions.” After the debate ended, sources confirmed Adams was furious with the poor polling among the cockroaches he had dressed up as constituents.

The post ‘Thank You For That Question,’ Responds Eric Adams To Swarm Of Rats He Forced To Act Out Debate appeared first on The Onion.

Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 18:16:46 +0000

NEW YORK—Casting doubt on the mayoral candidate’s ability to effectively carry out the duties of the office, critics assailed New York State Rep. Zohran Mamdani Friday for refusing to share his plan to make the rich richer. “Despite repeated calls to release his four-year plan for growing the coffers of our city’s wealthy elite, Mamdani has so far offered few specifics on how he would increase economic inequality as mayor,” said political analyst Susannah Stoughton, adding that Mamdani currently had no information on his campaign website about how he planned to create new billionaires and centimillionaires if elected. “A lot of New Yorkers are sitting at their 30-foot mahogany kitchen tables worrying about how they’re going to make that next superyacht payment, yet Mamdani refuses to directly address their concerns. He dodged multiple questions at the debate about how he would create tax loopholes for Manhattanites making over $5 million per year, and never once discussed subsidies for private jets. At a certain point, Mamdani’s evasiveness raises a big question: Does this man have the political experience necessary to serve the CEOs and fossil fuel heirs of his city?” At press time, critics alleged that Mamdani was also being cagey about his plans for making the poor poorer.

The post Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer appeared first on The Onion.

Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person’s Sweater

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 15:58:48 +0000

STANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the rare trait’s origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday that they had successfully identified the gene responsible for giving individuals the ability to visualize a murder when they touch a missing person’s sweater. “Through extensive DNA analysis, we have finally isolated the sequence of base pairs that encodes for the power to hold a cardigan and see in one’s mind flashes of a young woman being stabbed to death in a ravine,” said geneticist Kathy Mendoza, explaining that the gene, which is found in all people who can peer into a mysterious alternate reality using what members of their family have for generations called “the gift,” had been located on the human genome’s 11th chromosome. “Those who possess this gene are, from the moment they touch a cuff of the sweater, plunged into a shadowy world parallel to our own in which the killer’s footprints are highlighted in a bright color and lead directly to the body. We are now markedly closer to understanding the complex role these genes play in aiding law enforcement who have exhausted all other options.” The researchers confirmed plans to continue their work by investigating the potential of gene editing in lab mice that have demonstrated the ability to communicate with a murder victim’s ghost.

The post Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person’s Sweater appeared first on The Onion.

Kristi Noem Looms In Background During Entire Episode Of ‘90 Day Fiancé’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Describing the secretary of homeland security’s cameo on the reality show as “highly unnerving,” viewers reported Friday that Kristi Noem can be seen looming in the background of an entire episode of TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé. Fans of the show confirmed the 53-year-old former governor of South Dakota is visible throughout season 11, episode 16, which is titled “Love On The Line” and features the DHS chief standing ominously, licking her lips, and growling just within view as couples navigate the K-1 visa process and decide whether to go ahead with their green-card marriages. Noem, whose presence is never acknowledged, wears a bulletproof vest, camouflage baseball hat, and heavy makeup in every scene of the episode, during which she watches silently as characters go on dates, have blowout fights, and even engage in sexual relations within their homes. Viewers said they were also unnerved during the ‘Tell All’ season finale, which reportedly features Noem as the host standing silently in a room of empty chairs.

The post Kristi Noem Looms In Background During Entire Episode Of ‘90 Day Fiancé’ appeared first on The Onion.

Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ARLINGTON, VA—Whistling and cheerfully pumping his arms as he strolled through the corridors of the U.S. military’s headquarters, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly walked fully nude Friday around the newly press-free Pentagon. “Come on, everybody, don’t be shy!” said Hegseth, who yelled to be heard over the SiriusXM classic rock station blasting from his office as he urged his subordinates to disrobe with him. “Forget all my grumbling about fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon—it’s time to cut loose! Those stick-in-the-mud reporters can’t stop us now. At least take off your shoes! Be free! Don’t mind those guys over there. They’re not real journalists; they’re One America News.” At press time, sources reported that Hegseth was doing nude pull-ups in one of the Pentagon’s SCIFs.

The post Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon appeared first on The Onion.

Pros And Cons Of Using ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

Services such as Klarna, Affirm, and AfterPay, which offer users “buy now, pay later” financing, have surged in popularity among U.S. consumers. The Onion examines the pros and cons of using BNPL loans.

PRO

Ideal for shoppers seeking a less traditional debt trap

Bills are every month, but this girls trip is once in a lifetime

If you time it right, your wife won’t realize she paid for her own birthday present

Who would go through the trouble of repossessing a hot dog toaster?

Don’t have to pay back if you delete app

CON

Might get accustomed to affording pharmaceuticals beyond your means

Many plans contain fees hidden to those who can’t read

Friends will suddenly all expect “Mr. Jet Ski” to pick up the check

Destroys thrill of shoplifting

Chipotle still disappointing

The post Pros And Cons Of Using ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’ appeared first on The Onion.

Smucker’s Sues Trader Joe’s Over Uncrustables Dupe

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The J.M. Smucker Co. is suing Trader Joe’s for allegedly copying its Uncrustables frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, claiming the products’ crimped edges and packaging design violate their trademark. What do you think?

“The Trader Joe’s dupe isn’t what’s stopping me from buying Uncrustables.”
Anika Schmidt, Window Tinter

“This is shaping up to be a landmark case in the field of jelly law.”
Mateo Alvarez, Salad Innovator

“Next you’ll tell me Trader Joe’s didn’t invent Mandarin orange chicken.”
Luka Petrović, Paint Disposer

The post Smucker’s Sues Trader Joe’s Over Uncrustables Dupe appeared first on The Onion.

Instagram Restricts Teens To PG-13 Content

The Onion Staff — Thu, 16 Oct 2025 19:24:39 +0000

Instagram will by default limit teens to PG-13 content on its platform, while also not allowing them to change their settings without a parent’s permission. What do you think?

“How do I get my daughter to tell me how old she is?”
Henrik Larsen, Llama Shearer

“My 14-year-old is mature enough to decide how many decapitations she sees.”
Farah Rahimi, Seance Technician

“Another win for orphans!”
Noah Fitzgerald, Hydration Specialist

The post Instagram Restricts Teens To PG-13 Content appeared first on The Onion.