Andy Reid Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/tag/andy-reid/ America’s Finest News Source Fri, 05 Dec 2025 17:36:15 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9 https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/cropped-site-icon.png?w=32 Andy Reid Archives - The Onion https://theonion.com/tag/andy-reid/ 32 32 234789167 Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables https://theonion.com/andy-reid-urges-chris-jones-to-soak-in-hot-tub-filled-with-chopped-vegetables/ Sun, 19 Oct 2025 17:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851691623 KANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the grueling NFL season, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly urged star defensive tackle Chris Jones on Wednesday to soak in a piping-hot tub filled with chopped carrots, onions, celery, and bay leaves. “Hop on in, big guy—I’ve […]

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]]> KANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the grueling NFL season, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly urged star defensive tackle Chris Jones on Wednesday to soak in a piping-hot tub filled with chopped carrots, onions, celery, and bay leaves. “Hop on in, big guy—I’ve got this water seasoned just right to soothe and tenderize those sore muscles,” said Reid, wearing a chef’s hat over his headset as he stirred the water with a large wooden paddle and periodically added peppercorns, kosher salt, and rosemary to help “open up [Jones’] pores” and draw out “toxins and flavor.” “Stay in there for about eight hours so all these healing ingredients can deeply penetrate your tissues. You’ll know you’re fully recovered when your internal temperature is around 160 degrees. In the meantime, rub yourself down with this garlic to help with inflammation, and pay no mind if I come over and poke you with a fork from time to time—it’s a special acupuncture technique that’ll really get those savory juices flowing.” At press time, witnesses confirmed Reid was licking his lips and adding a couple of sticks of butter to the tub as he muttered, “God, you’re gonna be so nice and tender and ready to play after this,” to his slow-braising player.

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]]> 1851691623 Andy Reid Gently Tells Travis Kelce What Expected Of Him On Wedding Night https://theonion.com/andy-reid-gently-tells-travis-kelce-what-expected-of-him-on-wedding-night/ Fri, 05 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000 https://theonion.com/?p=1851690261 KANSAS CITY, MO—Stressing that preparation was important both on and off the field, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly sat tight end Travis Kelce down Friday to gently go over what would be expected of him on his wedding night. “The keys to performing your best in the bedroom are proper positioning and situational awareness,” […]

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]]> KANSAS CITY, MO—Stressing that preparation was important both on and off the field, Chiefs head coach Andy Reid reportedly sat tight end Travis Kelce down Friday to gently go over what would be expected of him on his wedding night. “The keys to performing your best in the bedroom are proper positioning and situational awareness,” said Reid, setting two bobblehead dolls on a table and using them to demonstrate “basic formations” of conjugal intimacy while the 10-time Pro Bowler attentively took notes. “We’ll go over some tape so you know what to anticipate, but when the moment comes, I want you to just stick to the fundamentals. Don’t get fancy. Stay composed, find holes, and respond to your matchup’s movements. Oh, and just know she’ll probably want you to take your helmet off.” Sources confirmed Reid ended the meeting by reminding Kelce that, when the time comes, he would be on a headset in the next room should the tight end need support.

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