Vol 61: Issue 43 Archives - The Onion

Trump Touts Productive Call With Putin About Ballroom Sconces

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 19:35:17 +0000

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that he was impressed by the foreign leader’s ability to compromise on all kinds of fixtures, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he had participated in a productive call with Russian President Vladimir Putin about ballroom sconces. “We spoke for several hours and made great progress in negotiating whether I should go with a gold or silver finish,” Trump said while examining various wall-mounted lighting options, adding that he was committed to reaching a diplomatic solution in finalizing the design of his planned $300 million White House ballroom. “You know, Vladimir and I aren’t as far apart as critics believe. There’s a lot of overlap in terms of our love for hand-cut crystal, gilded iron, and warm-toned bulbs. This bodes well for when we get to picking chairs.” At press time, Trump had reportedly canceled a planned in-person meeting with Putin following a heated disagreement over paint swatches.

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ChatGPT Introduces New AI-Powered Web Browser

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

OpenAI has launched a new AI-powered web browser for macOS called ChatGPT Atlas, featuring split-screen chat companion and an agent mode to complete tasks. What do you think?

“I’d rather have AI insidiously take over my existing browser.”
Joel Nyberg, Corporate Clairvoyant

“I could definitely use an AI assistant to help me use ChatGPT.com.”
Stella Bachelder, Pet Masseuse

“Call me back when it can watch my porn for me.”
Charlie Cortina, Pudding Flavorer

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Wedding Planner Gingerly Asks Taylor Swift If She’s Considered Dance Lessons

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Attempting to broach the sensitive subject as delicately as possible, Taylor Swift’s wedding planner reportedly asked the artist Friday if she had ever considered dance lessons. “They’re completely optional, of course, but a lot of brides find them quite helpful,” said event organizer Riley Hirsh, who spoke in a soft voice as she assured the multiplatinum artist that there was plenty of time before the big day to loosen up and get in some practice. “I promise it’s a skill that anyone can learn. Some people just have a natural rhythm, and for others it’s harder to catch onto. Even if you don’t find yourself significantly improving, at least you’ll have learned something new. How about I just leave you with the contact information for a couple of good local instructors?” At press time, sources confirmed Hirsh was biting her tongue after Swift insisted she would choreograph the first dance herself.

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Scary Outfit

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The post Scary Outfit appeared first on The Onion.

What To Know About Data Centers

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

As the use of AI increases, data centers are popping up across the country. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the controversial facilities.

Q: What do data centers need to run?

A: Water, electricity, air conditioning, and other resources typically wasted on schools and hospitals.

Q: Do data centers use a lot of water?

A: What are you, a fish? Don’t worry about it.

Q: How are data centers regulated?

A: Next month, Congress will hear about data centers for the very first time.

Q: Do I need to worry about one coming to my town?

A: Only if your town is built on land.

Q: How long does it take to build a new data center?

A: Approximately one closed-door city council vote.

Q: What’s Wi-Fi?

A: Not right now, big guy.

Q: What will most data centers house in the future?

A: Raccoons.

The post What To Know About Data Centers appeared first on The Onion.

37-Year-Old Still On Parents’ Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

SAN DIEGO—Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday by clarifying that he paid his parents $50 a month for his portion of their Verizon phone plan. “No, no, no—it would be crazy if I let them pay it in full,” said Landry, explaining that despite using a phone his parents helped him buy at the age of 35, he had always Venmoed them immediately at the beginning of every billing cycle. “I wanted to quit and get my own plan, actually, but that would be too much of a hassle for my parents at this point. Plus, it’s a family plan, so it’s cheaper for all of us. Really I’m doing them a favor this way.” At press time, Landry was reportedly sending his mom an extra $10 after receiving a text from her informing him that he had gone over his data limit again.

The post 37-Year-Old Still On Parents’ Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month appeared first on The Onion.

Visibly Bruised Pete Hegseth Declares Wobbly Barstools Threat To National Security

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Occasionally pausing to rub his bleeding temple as he delivered the statement, visibly bruised Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth declared Friday that wobbly barstools were a threat to national security. “Our enemies are attempting to destabilize the United States by planting those rickety deathtraps in our nation’s restaurants, breweries, and watering holes, and now they have targeted me personally,” said a wincing Hegseth, who had sustained multiple soft tissue injuries the previous evening after falling from a 3-foot-tall seat while consuming his fourth scorpion bowl. “This is a threat to the American way of drinking, and the U.S. military must act quickly before wobbly stools infiltrate every bar in the country. The terrorists behind this plot are highly sophisticated and organized, as they somehow tricked me into believing that the stool had a back to it when I first sat down. And I swear, they’re making these fuckers higher every day. Our nation’s enemies want us falling over.” Hegseth went on to announce that the bartender who cut him off was also a threat to the nation.

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East Wing Demolition Sparks Outrage

The Onion Staff — Thu, 23 Oct 2025 21:04:07 +0000

President Trump’s decision to demolish the White House’s East Wing for a $300 million ballroom has provoked public outrage and preservationist demands for a pause, with the formal review processes unable to occur during the government shutdown. What do you think?

“It’s none of our business what people build on their own public property.”
Dora Bibbs, Unemployed

“They could’ve waited until our tour was over.”
Rodney Wendorf, Seminar Booker

“I got a ton of guff from my HOA when I built my $250 million ballroom too.”
Fred Hoang, Hat Mender

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Shelter Dog Just Doesn’t Have That X Factor

The Onion Staff — Thu, 23 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Declaring that some animals simply “got the goods” and “you know it when you see it,” officials at a local animal shelter confirmed Thursday that a newly acquired rescue dog lacked the X factor required to be adopted. “We’re looking for a little razzle-dazzle, and all we got is this total dud cowering in the corner of his crate,” said veterinary assistant Amanda Field, adding that despite a few good photos and a great tragic backstory, what the dull mutt brought to the table was not exactly going to land him in a forever home. “This dog lacks style and confidence. Just comes off as a complete flop. If he thinks he’s gonna make it here, he either needs to get way uglier, or way cuter—and fast! Start dangling that tongue out of your mouth, see what that gets you.” Field went on to state that if the shelter dog didn’t shape up soon, she’d have no choice but to give him a “one-way ticket to Euthanasia City.”

The post Shelter Dog Just Doesn’t Have That X Factor appeared first on The Onion.

Biggest Revelations From ‘Mr. Scorsese’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 23 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

A new five-part docuseries on Apple TV examines the life and career of iconic filmmaker Martin Scorsese. Here are the biggest and most shocking revelations from Mr. Scorsese :

Was often bedridden as a child due to a debilitating spaghetti allergy

Prefers the more casual “Marty” on set and fires anyone who disobeys

Doesn’t know how to log into Apple TV

Came up with the idea for gangsters while eating at an Italian restaurant in 1958

Has seen as many as 12 movies in his lifetime

Initially thought a Hawaiian shirt would be enough to de-age Robert De Niro in The Irishman

Eyebrows insured for $5 million

Old enough to call movies “the pictures” sometimes

Has 200 hit points

Still doesn’t know whether people on screen real or fake but is content not knowing

The post Biggest Revelations From ‘Mr. Scorsese’ appeared first on The Onion.

National Guardsman Awakes Screaming From Nightmare About Americans Going About Daily Lives

The Onion Staff — Thu, 23 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

FORT WORTH, TX—Catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his brow after he realized it was all just a bad dream, Texas National Guard member Jason Ringgold reportedly woke up screaming at 3 a.m. Thursday after having a nightmare about Americans peacefully going about their daily lives. “Oh God, they were carrying groceries and picking up their kids from school—from school,” said a still-shaken Ringgold, who recently returned home from Chicago, where his unit is still deployed, and who admitted he was reliving scenes such as a woman driving home from work, doing some grocery shopping, and heading home to make dinner. “It all felt so real, like it was happening all over again. There were these…these young men playing a game of pickup basketball. And they were laughing, like it was all just…normal. This one man, oh God, he was eating a sandwich right there on a park bench, and another lady was withdrawing money from a fucking ATM. And of course my buddies are still there! They’re in the shit, man. Christ, it’s so awful to think about.” According to sources, Ringgold drank a glass of water to calm himself down but was unable to get back to sleep after receiving a frantic text from a National Guard member deployed to Portland, OR, who told him the level of normalcy there was even more horrific than anyone could have imagined.

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Parents Feuding With At Least One Aunt At All Times

The Onion Staff — Wed, 22 Oct 2025 17:51:46 +0000

CHICOPEE, MA—Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa Maynard confirmed Wednesday that her parents were actively feuding with at least one aunt at all times. “If they’re not fighting with Aunt Linda, then they’re definitely badmouthing Aunt Michelle,” said Maynard, explaining that the most recent dispute began when Aunt Michelle refused to chip in for the shrimp cocktail appetizer ordered for a family gathering at a restaurant. “But before this, my parents didn’t talk to Aunt Linda for a whole year because they were mad that she inherited my grandfather’s snowblower instead of Mom. And now all of a sudden they’re taking a vacation to visit her in Cincinnati like nothing ever happened. I bet that as soon as they patch things up with Aunt Michelle, they’ll reignite the long-standing argument they’ve been having with Aunt Susan ever since she declined to invite them to her small wedding in 1995.” At press time, Maynard announced that her parents were feuding with all three aunts simultaneously.

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