college Archives - The Onion

Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli’s Mentorship

The Onion Staff — Tue, 28 Oct 2025 22:52:55 +0000

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that he’d already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of Texas quarterback Arch Manning confirmed Tuesday that he was quickly running out of polite, semi-plausible excuses to avoid mentorship from his uncle Eli. “He means well, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I really don’t need him FaceTiming me every day and saying stuff like, ‘A Super Bowl winner I sense in you, young padawan,’” said Manning, adding that while he respects his uncle’s experience as a player, he’s not exactly champing at the bit to have a 44-year-old teach him “how to chop it and spin it like Chad Powers.” “It’s just kind of embarrassing, you know? Last time he came to one of my games, he kept fist-bumping my teammates and saying he was there to help me unlock my ‘Manning DNA.’ I had to fake a hamstring injury because he kept trying to run me through footwork drills. I can’t keep doing this.” At press time, Manning was reportedly hiding out in the training room after Eli showed up unannounced with a stack of old Giants playbooks for “a little impromptu QB clinic.”

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Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold

The Onion Staff — Sat, 18 Oct 2025 22:30:00 +0000

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Cornell Students Skin, Butcher Dead Bear In Dorm

The Onion Staff — Tue, 16 Sep 2025 13:18:42 +0000

Two Cornell students killed a 120-pound black bear before bringing its carcass into a communal kitchen in their dormitory to skin and process it, with the undergrads having valid hunting licenses and not appearing to run afoul of the law. What do you think?

“All that lamp oil will come in handy during exam time.”
Meg Yantis, Montage Compiler

“College is the perfect time to experiment with what you like to butcher.”
Jason Cairi, Rope Strengthener

“I hope they wrote their names on it before putting it in the communal fridge.”
Cameron Henneberry, Paperwork Stapler

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GI Bill Used On Hustlers University

The Onion Staff — Wed, 10 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ZANESVILLE, OH—Drawing on the government program that has helped countless service members enrich their lives after leaving the military, local veteran Doug Whitley told reporters this week that he had used the GI bill to enroll in Hustlers University. “After spending 10 years in the Army, I really needed something that would help me adjust my grindset and become a top G,” said Whitley, explaining that without the educational assistance benefit, he would not have been able to afford to take influencer Andrew Tate’s patented online courses, which he expects will help him escape the matrix, become an alpha, and finally enter the victory zone. “I didn’t have much money growing up, so I never thought I’d be able to cover the $49.99 per month, let alone the additional charges for his ‘Instagram Playbook’ or his ‘Pimpin Hoe Degree.’ But thanks to the GI bill, I’m no longer a loser, a peon, or a sheep. I’m finally winning.” Whitley added that he hoped to use his education at Hustler University to help vulnerable men who have committed sexual assault fight the cases against them in the United States, the U.K., and Romania.

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Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard

The Onion Staff — Thu, 29 May 2025 15:11:21 +0000

President Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard University continues to escalate. The Onion shares a timeline of the dispute’s key dates so far.

January 29: Trump administration accuses the Harvard Law Review of promoting violent pro-law rhetoric.

February 3: The Justice Department announces the creation of the multiagency Task Force to Own the Libs.

February 19: Trump’s negative view of Harvard cemented after watching the Good Will Hunting barroom scene on Paramount+.

March 6: Trump signs an executive order declaring that the president can’t be accused of antisemitism.

April 3: Harvard pressured to increase diversity of viewpoints by hiring more professors with successful AM talk radio shows

April 14: Harvard pointedly rejects the Trump administration’s demands by sending his messenger back to the White House decapitated and strapped to their horse.

May 2: Harvard asserts there is “no legal basis” for taking away its tax-exempt status, making it a near certainty that Trump will do so.

May 15–17: Brief respite as Trump forgets any of this happening.

May 28: Trump demands a list of all international students’ names, countries, and skull measurements.

September 1, 2027: Trump awarded honorary degree in exchange for releasing Harvard president from Oval Office bird cage.

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Cooper Flagg’s Agent Negotiates 10% Increase In Textbook Buyback Value At Duke Bookstore

The Onion Staff — Mon, 05 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000

DURHAM, NC—Threatening to have his client sit out the rest of the academic semester unless he was paid what he’s worth, Cooper Flagg’s agent Austin Brown negotiated a 10% increase Monday in textbook buyback value for the NCAA star from the Duke University bookstore. “This Intro to Psychology textbook is top-of-the-line, and we aren’t budging on this, so don’t spit in our face with this weak-ass $25 offer when you know Cooper is worth $27.50,” Brown said to an English literature grad student working part time at the bookstore, explaining that Duke must not understand the asses Flagg puts in seats if they aren’t will to accept a macroeconomics textbook that is clearly only lightly used. “I will burn your whole life down okay? I will go scorched earth. Who the hell has heard of Duke University anyway? I hear North Carolina is paying $40 for Earth: A Physical Geology. It still has the accompanying CD-ROM in the back, for Christ’s sake. This is the 2018 edition, and these babies are still crisp as the day he got them. That better become $44 real quick, or we’re walking. And at least look my client in the face while you’re trying to fuck him.” At press time, Brown had also secured Flagg a complimentary third taco and fountain drink at the Duke dining hall.

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Nation Can’t Believe It On Harvard’s Side

The Onion Staff — Thu, 17 Apr 2025 17:12:56 +0000

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College Campus Tour Ends Inside Unmarked ICE Vehicle

The Onion Staff — Tue, 01 Apr 2025 15:22:56 +0000

ITHACA, NY—As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. “Over there you can see our student center, which boasts its own bowling alley, and then, if you all will follow me, it seems these masked gentlemen want us to wrap things up in their black SUV,” said tour guide and Cornell junior Jacob Geisner, who was preparing to describe the college’s housing options and meal plans when three ICE officers in street clothes rushed up and, without identifying themselves, demanded the group of 16- and 17-year-olds come with them immediately. “This isn’t a scheduled part of the tour, but I can tell you we’re currently leaving the campus at about 100 miles per hour. Out that window, you’ll see the last glimpse of our largest dining hall, named after Toni Morrison. At this point I need to depart from my prepared script because I don’t know where they’re taking us, but this highway does go to the nearest major airport, in Syracuse, and it sounds like we all need to bind our wrists with these heavy-duty zip ties or they’ll treat us as if we’re resisting arrest.” At press time, the Department of Homeland Security issued a short statement saying the tour group was now in a detention facility in Jena, LA.

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Kermit The Frog To Deliver University Of Maryland Commencement Speech

The Onion Staff — Mon, 31 Mar 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The University of Maryland announced that muppet Kermit the Frog will speak at its 2025 commencement ceremony, the iconic green frog having been created by Jim Henson, who graduated from UMD in 1960. What do you think?

“I hope he doesn’t touch on any hot-button issues like kindness or compassion.”
Nikki Krouse, Pastry Taster

“Ugh, why is it always some lame guy in his 70s?”
Tim Kosydor, Wingspan Measurer

“Once again, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is snubbed by mainstream academia.”
Eric Fleming, Produce Pickler

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Harvard Announces Free Tuition For Families Making Under $200,000

The Onion Staff — Thu, 20 Mar 2025 00:05:55 +0000

Harvard announced that undergraduate tuition will be free for students of families who make annual incomes of $200,000 or less, a move intended to make the prestigious institution “affordable to more students than ever.” What do you think?

“See? I’m unemployed for my kids’ future.”
Gerald Loffer, Opera Accountant

“Every kid deserves the chance to become the next Ted Kaczynski.”
Haley Krismer, Ventilation Expert

“I knew becoming a millionaire would someday come back to haunt my family.”
Ahmed Yusuf, Stage Diver

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Teary-Eyed Student Loan Officers Proudly Watch As $200,000 Asset Graduates From College

The Onion Staff — Mon, 09 May 2016 18:33:00 +0000

ATLANTA—Unable to contain their emotion when they heard the account name called aloud by the college provost, a group of teary-eyed Sallie Mae student loan officers proudly looked on Monday as their $200,000 balance sheet asset graduated from Emory University, witnesses confirmed. “It’s been absolutely amazing to watch our revenue stream grow right before our eyes,” said smiling collections officer Robin Black, explaining that, looking at the impressive figure now, she could hardly believe their future series of principal and interest payments was only $50,000 just four years ago. “This is such a big milestone, but to be honest, it’s really just the beginning. We’re all looking forward to seeing how our beloved asset progresses now that it’s going out into the real world. Who knows where it will be 15 years from now?” The student loan officers went on to express their hope that they’d one day be able to see their source of profit go to law school.

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Professor To Publish Book

The Onion Staff — Tue, 07 Dec 1993 00:07:00 +0000

“It will have pages,” Say Sources

Professor Theodore L. Chaptman, a well-known professor at the university, announced that he will be publishing a book.

The book, on the same subject that he teaches in his popular class at the university, will reportedly have several hundred pages. On the pages, Chaptman said he fully intends to have printed words, as well as page numbers.

The book will be bound, in all likelihood, by a publishing house or printer. Chaptman’s contract with the printer calls for them to put a back and front cover on the book, which should by all estimations have a title and possibly a design on it.

It will not the ﬁrst book Chaptman has written. “I have written many other books on my subject,” Chaptman said. “Like the ones in the past, this too will be in the English language, and written with very good grammar. Also, I am considering adding pictures, and maybe even a graph or chart this time.”

Dr. Dennis Eisner, chair of Chaptman’s department at the university, was excited to have one of his staff members publish a book.

“It further enhances Professor Chaptman’s prestige in his ﬁeld, a field in which he has written many other books.” Eisner said. “All of his books have been well-received, and we expect this one to be as well. It will have pictures.”

Noted photographer Jars Laman has been hired to shoot and compile photos for the book. Laman has shot many pictures on this subject, and is considered to be the best photographer in Chaptman’s ﬁeld. The photos are expected to be developed, on paper, with a visible image. Laman has not decided whether to use color or black and white ﬁlm. In any case, he will put ﬁlm in the camera when he shoots the photos.

“If it is dark I will use a ﬂash with my camera,” Laman said.

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