Vol 61: Issue 44 Archives - The Onion

80-Year-Old Becomes Oldest Woman To Hike Appalachian Trail

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 17:56:15 +0000

Eighty-year-old Betty Kellenberger, without realizing it, became the oldest person to complete the Appalachian Trail, pushing through injuries and weather challenges to finish the full 2,197-mile hike. What do you think?

“Eh, sounds cool, but eventually she’ll need to figure out what she wants to do with her life.”
Louise Hicks, Snack Assembler

“I plan on getting all of my exercise in at the end, too.”
Norbert Bartoe, Umbrella Tester

“It’s gonna take a much older person to inspire me to get outside.”
Jacob Alden, Sprinkle Manufacturer

The post 80-Year-Old Becomes Oldest Woman To Hike Appalachian Trail appeared first on The Onion.

Elon Musk Launches Grokipedia To Compete With Wikipedia

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 18:53:10 +0000

Elon Musk launched Grokipedia, a crowdsourced online encyclopedia developed by his company xAI, as a direct competitor to Wikipedia, although users report many articles are seemingly adapted straight from Wikipedia. What do you think?

“It’s about time we had a right-wing take on episode summaries of Lost.”
Heather Yellen, Newspaper Bagger

“Grokipedia says it came out before Wikipedia.”
Ben Aniperu, Perfume Fermenter

“I always hated Wikipedia’s bias towards citations.”
Nicolas Kucera, Pumpkin Investor

The post Elon Musk Launches Grokipedia To Compete With Wikipedia appeared first on The Onion.

ICE Agent, 7-Year-Old Both Wearing Same ‘Military Commando’ Halloween Costume

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 17:56:36 +0000

The post ICE Agent, 7-Year-Old Both Wearing Same ‘Military Commando’ Halloween Costume appeared first on The Onion.

Cam Skattebo Assured He’ll Only Be Missing Giants Games

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 17:50:59 +0000

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an effort to console the team’s star running back as he recuperated from a season-ending lower-leg injury, the New York Giants medical staff reportedly assured Cam Skattebo on Friday that he would only be missing Giants games. “Hey, you got lucky—just imagine if you were missing something more important than a bunch of pointless Giants games,” said team head trainer Ronnie Barnes, adding that it was not as though Skattebo played for the Buffalo Bills, Philadelphia Eagles, Indianapolis Colts, Green Bay Packers, or any another legitimate NFL contender that had a record better than 2-6 and was in a position in which a top player’s absence would actually make a difference. “The important thing is it’s nothing serious, just a few meaningless matchups in an already-lost season. Your injury will in no way prevent you from competing in games with real stakes.” At press time, sources confirmed Skattebo was feeling much better after being reminded that even when he did play again, it would still only be with the Giants.

The post Cam Skattebo Assured He’ll Only Be Missing Giants Games appeared first on The Onion.

Prince Andrew Stripped Of Royal Computer Privileges

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 17:41:56 +0000

LONDON—In a stunning reversal of fortune for the controversy-plagued younger brother of King Charles III, Buckingham Palace announced Friday that the former Prince Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has been stripped of his royal computer privileges. “Due to serious lapses in judgment by Mr. Mountbatten Windsor, His Majesty King Charles III has today initiated a formal process to revoke his unsupervised access to Crown Ethernet, as well as any and all palace desktop computers,” the royal family’s official statement read in part, confirming that the former prince would no longer be permitted to spend his typical average of six hours a day in online chat rooms or spend any more time in the royal computer lab with the door locked. “Should Mr. Mountbatten Windsor require internet access for emergency purposes, he will be allotted 10 minutes of chaperoned screen time per day. This is not an action His Majesty takes lightly. If Mr. Mountbatten Windsor finds himself bored, there are plenty of books in the palace library to occupy him, and the palace cleaning staff would certainly appreciate his help in the kitchen. Perhaps this might also serve as an opportunity for Mr. Mountbatten Windsor to sit and reflect on his actions and, if he so wishes, draft an apology note, which we would be more than happy to assist him with.” At press time, the former Prince Andrew was spending the night at the King of Spain’s palace to look at child porn on his computer.

The post Prince Andrew Stripped Of Royal Computer Privileges appeared first on The Onion.

RFK Jr. Greets Trick-Or-Treaters With Big Bowl Of Ape Glands

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—Asking the children to please just take one since he had to acquire the organs from a “sketchy dealer” in West Virginia, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly celebrated Halloween Friday by greeting trick-or-treaters with a big bowl of ape glands. “Come and get a king-sized gibbon pituitary,” Kennedy said while gesturing to the slippery organs, adding that the glands tasted even better when still secreting fluid. “I always liked the sebaceous ones when I was your age! The gorilla thyroids are super gooey. I loved Halloween—it was so fun to fight the other kids for the best glands. You could trade these on the playground for any candy you want. These glands were expensive because they’ve been lab-tested and certified autism-free. Oh no, we’re almost out. Cheryl, can you grab the big gland bag from the pantry?” At press time, sources confirmed Kennedy had begun allowing trick-or-treaters to take two ape glands if they looked like they had measles.

The post RFK Jr. Greets Trick-Or-Treaters With Big Bowl Of Ape Glands appeared first on The Onion.

Cursed Videotape Kills Anyone Who Swallows It Whole

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The post Cursed Videotape Kills Anyone Who Swallows It Whole appeared first on The Onion.

Scream Mask Left On While Using Toilet

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The post Scream Mask Left On While Using Toilet appeared first on The Onion.

Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 00:30:00 +0000

The post Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline appeared first on The Onion.

Nvidia Becomes First $5 Trillion Company

The Onion Staff — Thu, 30 Oct 2025 20:43:46 +0000

Nvidia became the first company to hit a $5 trillion market capitalization, putting it on par with the GDP of countries like Germany, despite many warning of a possible AI bubble. What do you think?

“That’s more than most people make in a whole year!”
Bobby Croskey, Chocolate Shaver

“I just hope the success doesn’t change them.”
Lionel Ubajoa, Stage Sweeper

“AI can make all the money it wants, but it will never know the warm touch of a lover.”
Lili Dever, Junior Roofer

The post Nvidia Becomes First $5 Trillion Company appeared first on The Onion.

China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans

The Onion Staff — Thu, 30 Oct 2025 18:15:46 +0000

SEOUL—In a historic trade agreement that President Donald Trump touted as a major win for an American farmer, China reportedly agreed Thursday to purchase 11 U.S. soybeans. “I am extremely honored that President Xi has authorized China to begin the purchase of this unprecedented amount of American-grown soybeans—not merely nine or 10 beans, but 11 whole, intact beans,” Trump said at a highly anticipated summit in South Korea with his Chinese counterpart, moments after handing President Xi Jinping a small handful of dry soybeans from his pants pocket in exchange for 2 cents worth of aluminum. “I counted these beans myself, and frankly, it’s a massive quantity. President Xi is a great friend of mine, and even he has to admit that, together, we have finally delivered a fantastic deal for the American people. Wait, hold on, I think I handed you 12 beans there, Xi. Can you give me one back?” At press time, Trump confirmed he had started negotiations for a Chinese trade deal involving an entire corncob.

The post China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans appeared first on The Onion.

Parents Ask Detained Nanny If She’s Still Free To Watch Kids Friday

The Onion Staff — Thu, 30 Oct 2025 16:49:48 +0000

CHICAGO—Hoping to lock down childcare so they could get out of the house for a fun date night this week, area parents Mitchell and Jessica Ashe reportedly asked their freshly ICE-detained nanny, Maria Gutiérrez, if she’d still be free to watch their kids on Friday. “Hey, Maria! We know you have a lot on your plate right now, but let us know if you’re able to help us out tomorrow, por favor!” Jessica Ashe said Thursday, holding up her weekly planner as ICE agents handcuffed Gutiérrez and roughly tossed her into a vehicle bound for an overcrowded immigration detention center. “We’re hoping to go see a play, so it’d be a huge help to have somebody around to watch Tyler and Mckenna. Plus, they love your rice and beans! Obviously, no pressure if you want to stay detained longer or need to rest because of your pregnancy, but if there’s any way you’d be able to ask one of the agents to let you out just for one night, that’d be so amazing. I’m sure they’ll understand when you explain that the situation is an emergency! You’re the best, M.” At press time, Ashe was claiming that she was really swamped right now as she politely declined Gutiérrez’s request to help connect her with a lawyer.

The post Parents Ask Detained Nanny If She’s Still Free To Watch Kids Friday appeared first on The Onion.