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Vol 61: Issue 44

News

Economists: Hope Your Heart Wasn’t Set On A House

WASHINGTON—In an effort to manage the American people’s expectations, officials at the National Association for Business Economics announced Wednesday that they hoped your heart wasn’t…
Football, Sports

Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli’s Mentorship

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that he’d already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of…
American Voices

Report: Half Of All Uncontacted People Could Be Wiped Out In Next Decade

The new report revealed that thousands of uncontacted Indigenous peoples around the world are facing increasing dangers, such as contact by missionaries, miners, criminal gangs,…
Entertainment

YouTube Comment Section Astounded To Learn Chicks Can Rock Too

SAN BRUNO, CA—Expressing surprise and delight at the notion that gals could also shred, dozens of YouTube users who stumbled upon the Mousers’ cover of…
Cartoons

Low Papapproval Ratings
Politics

Trump Accused Of Using Makeup To Conceal Ventilator

Politics

Trump Defends Demolition Of Yggdrasil, Ancient Tree Of Life

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the sacred ash tree had outlived its usefulness and needed to be updated, President Donald Trump made remarks Monday defending his demolition of…
Entertainment

Everything We Know About ‘Nobody Wants This’ Season 2

Another season of Nobody Wants This dropped on Netflix, marking a new chapter in the love story between a sex-positive podcaster and a rabbi in…
News

God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion over the primate’s classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could…
Local

Doula Asks To Keep Baby

SEATTLE—After guiding her client through a grueling 12-hour natural home birth, local doula Raquel Parker reportedly asked mother Melanie Kendrick on Monday if she could…
Entertainment

‘Welcome To Derry’ Viewer Can Tell Pennywise Got Work Done

BOSTON—Remarking that the malevolent clown seemed not to have aged a day in the years since his last screen appearance, It: Welcome To Derry viewer Alana Meyer told…

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