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Vol 61: Issue 9

American Voices

Movie Theater Ceiling Collapses During ‘Captain America’ Screening

After a ceiling collapsed onto the audience during a screening of the latest Marvel film, a theater in Wenatchee, WA is working with local authorities…
American Voices

Couple Forced To Sit Next To Dead Body On Plane For 4 Hours After Woman Dies Midflight

A married couple on a flight from Australia to Qatar said they were forced to sit next to a dead woman’s body for four hours…
News

Trump Signs Executive Order Making Official Language Of U.S. Remedial English

WASHINGTON—In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation’s…
Entertainment

Artist Profile: Tate McRae

Tate McRae, the artist behind the pop hit “Greedy,” has released her second studio album, So Close To What. Here is everything you need to…
News

NOAA Cuts Leave Wind Chimes As Sole Predictor Of Approaching Hurricanes

SILVER SPRING, MD—As mass firings of career experts and scientists continued to roil the federal government, officials confirmed Friday that cuts to the National Oceanic…
Local

‘Maybe Hot Dog Will Make Wife Feel Better,’ Thinks Husband No Closer To Fixing Things

CLEVELAND—In a well-meaning but ultimately futile attempt at emotional support, Chuck Fineman, a local husband who was no closer to fixing things, was thinking “Maybe…

News

Lockheed Martin Develops Giant Tactical Rubber Spider

BETHESDA, MD—Ushering in a new, highly advanced era of creepy-crawly warfare, defense contractor Lockheed Martin announced Friday that it had developed a giant tactical rubber…
News

Andrew Tate Grabs Some Romanians From Airport Gift Shop
News

Cardinal With 3-Foot Vertical Leap Emerges As Frontrunner In Papal Combine

VATICAN CITY—Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, a 75-year-old American…
American Voices

Trump Plans To Sell $5 Million Gold Card Visa To Attract Rich Foreigners

President Trump said he will introduce a new “gold card” visa to attract wealthy foreigners to America, which would be similar to a green card…
News

Jeff Bezos Sends Note To Whole Foods Staff Forbidding Criticism Of Grapes

MIAMI—Asserting that many differing perspectives on the fruit were readily available online, billionaire Jeff Bezos reportedly sent a note to staff at the Amazon-owned Whole…
Local

Man Spits Out Blood While Flossing Like Battered Prizefighter In Championship Bout

HIALEAH, FL—Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs’ white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and reportedly spat out blood like a battered…

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