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Vol 61: Issue 13

American Voices

Gen Z, Millennials Prefer Influencer Content Over Premium Entertainment

A new Deloitte study found that about 50% of younger consumers prefer watching creator-driven content on social media over big-budget Hollywood entertainment, claiming they feel…
News

Cardinals Weirded Out By How Religious Brush With Death Made Pope

VATICAN CITY—Saying the pontiff’s abrupt change in personality had put them all on edge, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church confirmed Friday that they were…
American Voices

United Flight Turns Around After Pilot Forgets Passport

A United Airlines flight headed to Shanghai from LAX last weekend had to turn around after two hours in the air when one of the…
Politics

Elon Musk Amazed At How Much Cheaper Bribing Voters Is In Midwest

MADISON, WI—Amid his political action committee’s campaign to influence a closely contested Wisconsin Supreme Court election, Elon Musk told reporters Friday that he was amazed…
News

What To Know About The Hallow Prayer App

Hallow, a Catholic prayer app, is observing Lent with a prayer challenge featuring celebrities like Mark Wahlberg, who is also an investor in the app.…
Local

Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down

SARTELL, MN—Feeling a deep sense of embarrassment wash over his long, scaly body, a local snake getting twirled around like a lasso reportedly realized Friday…

News

New Law Requires Texans To Show ID To Buy Phallic Foods

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to crack down on the statewide proliferation of adult foodstuffs, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Friday requiring all residents…
News

Trump Announces 25% Tariff On Talking Cars

WASHINGTON—In a stunning escalation of his ongoing automotive trade war, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was imposing a 25% tariff on foreign-made cars that…
Local

Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly…
News

Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies

VATICAN CITY—With many remarking that they’d had their eyes on the holy artifacts since they first saw them, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church reportedly…
Politics

Furious Trump Cancels ‘Atlantic’ Subscription After 48 Years

WASHINGTON—In protest of the publication’s coverage of the Signal breach, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he had canceled his subscription to The Atlantic after…
News

Food Stamps: Myth Vs. Fact

More than 41 million Americans receive monthly benefits through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as food stamps. The Onion dispels the common myths…

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