After the Iowa star became the all-time Division 1 scoring leader with 3,900 points this year, The Onion interviewed men who explained why they could outscore Caitlin Clark.
Sam Gorodetsky, Police Officer
“I have a gun, and Caitlin Clark does not.”
Doug Titian, Piano Tuner
“I don’t know. I guess I just have the sort of healthy sense of self-confidence that comes from being raised by patient, loving parents.”
Randy Gilbert, Dentist
“Men are always better than women at sports. I should know. I just beat my 6-year-old daughter in a game of one-on-one last week.”
Tim McDawson, VP Of Sales
“She wastes time bouncing the ball against the court, presumably because her arms are too weak to just carry it around the way I would.”
Alejandro Ramírez, Sustainability Consultant
“She’ll be too distracted by my disgusting physique to focus on her shot.”
Greg Williams, Used Car Salesman
“I’m actually not usually that sure of myself, but I am 8-foot-3, which has to count for something.”
Will Gaffney, Restaurateur
“Caitlin Clark? Is that the girl who got shot in the head by the Taliban?”
Nathan Gold, Unemployed
“I’ve only seen photos of her on my phone screen, so correct me on this if it’s wrong, but it does appear that she’s 3 inches tall?”
Fred Lopez, Actuary
“Women don’t eat enough protein to hold up a basketball.”
Bud Tuchovsky, Barista
“I got locked in a fusion chamber with a basketball, which gave me the incredible power to dribble my entire body and roll all over the place. Caitlin Clark has nothing compared to that.”
Timothy Pollack, Dentist
“Sheer, unadulterated gall.”
Luigi Montivaldo, Venture Capitalist
“My muscles have caused me to pop every inflatable ball I’ve ever picked up. And that means I win by default. It does. No, you’re not right. Read the NBA rules. That’s what it says. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Marco Hills, Engineer
“I have an IQ of 148 and a Ph.D. in aerospace engineering. She doesn’t even have her bachelor’s yet.”
Busby Edwards, Auto Technician
“I have substantially more body weight than her. It’s all fat concentrated in my stomach, and I will wrap that around her and suffocate her to death at the outset. Then I will spend the next hour shooting baskets next to her body. Hopefully, I can score a few of those, and then I will win.”
Joshua Velez, Pharmacy Technician
“All things are possible through Christ, who strengthens me.”
Bruce Williams, Information Security Analyst
“I would simply yell ‘Kobe’ while shooting the ball and let his blessed angel do the rest.”
Andrew Nixon, Data Scientist
“Twenty-two is ancient for a woman. I’d probably let her win because she’s so decrepit.”
Robert Gannon, Orthotist
“Women’s baskets only count for 78% of the points men’s baskets do.”
Fred Salazar, Dental Entrepreneur
“The same confidence that helped me develop the Whizzit toothbrush. The Whizzit is an overclocked 10,000 RPM toothbrush that can clean your teeth in a quarter of the time needed by a standard electric brush. I should mention there have been some significant problems with gum bleeding and tooth enamel being torn off during most uses. But those are kinks. All I need is $1.5 million in seed funding, and you can be part of the Whizzit dental revolution today.”
Brent Clark, Vice President Of Operations
“Because I’m her father, and I said so.”
Aaron Landry, Associate Professor
“I could easily take a pregnant woman. She’s pregnant, right? Most women are pregnant.”
Larry Vaughn, Veterinarian
“I will get inside her mind and mess with her game by putting down her cat.”
Alan Harris, Market Research Analyst
“Easy. I will yell ‘Brick!’ and she will miss every time.”
Gautam Patel, Food Stylist
“Oh, sorry, I was thinking of Caitlin Clarke, the late American actress best remembered for portraying Valerian in the 1981 film Dragonslayer and Charlotte Drake Cardoza in the Broadway musical of Titanic. My mistake.”
Dylan Evans, Sommelier
“I’m a better shot than my chronic gout would have you believe.”
Patrice Medley, Adjunct Professor
“I have stalked and killed my own dinner. I have camped out on snowy mountaintops for weeks with nothing but a trowel and a blanket. So long as our game is five weeks long and takes place somewhere on the Appalachian Trail, I will obliterate Caitlin Clark.”
Levi Michaelson, Statistician
“Watch this—shit. Watch this—so close. Watch this—nope, robbed on that one. Watch this—that one was a practice.”
Joe Washington, Genetic Counselor
“I would simply distract her with a glass of wine and a chocolate bar.”
Tony White, Lawyer
“I will sue her for defamation if she makes me look like a fool on the court.”
LeBron James, Athlete
“Do I have to answer this? I feel like it’s just going to come off making me look really bad.”
Grant Wilkinson, Data Analyst
“Through a Machiavellian scheme in which I move to Des Moines, befriend her family doctor, discover her food allergies, and lace her Gatorade with sesame seed oil only minutes before competing 1v1.”
Lance Stevens, Realtor
“Because I’ll be wearing tactical gear and she won’t see me coming.”
Robert Moore, IT Manager
“I’ve been really good about the gym this year. I go to Planet Fitness at least three times a month.”
Darryl Porter, Web Developer
“She’d probably break a nail and cry about it. That’s what happened to me last time I tried to play basketball.”
