NBA Archives - The Onion

NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. “When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up their lives and those of their loved ones through the proper, lawful channels,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver, emphasizing the league’s zero-tolerance policy for any ill-advised wagers that lead to the bettor’s total financial devastation but aren’t made through a licensed online or brick-and-mortar sportsbook. “Look, if you’re going to liquidate your daughter’s college fund in order to finance a long-shot parlay on the Pelicans, or take out a high-interest credit line using your brother’s restaurant as collateral to cover another week of haphazardly placed lightning bets, do it in an above-board manner through one of the numerous sportsbooks with which the NBA has established partnerships bringing in hundreds of millions of dollars annually. If you’re making a series of increasingly reckless wagers that leaves you destitute, penniless, and alienated from everyone who once loved you, fine, but it needs to be within the full letter of the law. No exceptions.” Silver added that any individuals looking to develop a lifelong gambling compulsion through officially sanctioned channels could obtain up to $300 in bonus cash on DraftKings using the promotional code SHAQATTACK.

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Giannis Antetokounmpo Panicking After Waking Up 3-Foot-2

The Onion Staff — Wed, 22 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

MILWAUKEE—Staring down in utter terror at his suddenly oversized pajamas, Milwaukee Bucks power forward Giannis Antetokounmpo reportedly panicked Wednesday after waking up 3-foot-2. “Oh, no, this is bad—this is really, really bad,” the nine-time NBA all-star said as he jumped up and down to glimpse his diminutive form in a mirror, wondering aloud in a voice two octaves higher than normal how he could possibly play in the Bucks’ regular season opener against the Wizards later that day. “This is the worst thing that could’ve happened to me, and at the worst possible time! I was 6-foot-11 when I went to bed last night. What the heck happened? My teammates are counting on me to be tall!” At press time, Antetokounmpo was seen stuffing his size-16 shoes with newspaper and gelling his hair extra high in hopes of making himself look tall enough that no one would notice.

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WNBA Agrees To End Disparity Between Men’s, Women’s Fines

The Onion Staff — Thu, 21 Aug 2025 13:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—In a landmark move to address longstanding gender inequities in professional basketball, league officials announced this week that the WNBA would now fine players just as much as their male counterparts in the NBA. “For too long, women have received financial penalties that are only a fraction of those received by men who break the very same rules,” said commissioner Cathy Engelbert, calling the new equal-opportunity fee structure a long overdue victory for the players, who despite being maligned and grossly under-compensated had brought enormous growth to the women’s game in recent years. “Effectively immediately, WNBA players will be given the exact same fines, whether it’s $50,000 for wearing a shirt emblazoned with profane language or $25,000 for retweeting a post criticizing referees. This is a huge step forward for fairness in the sport. From now on, it doesn’t matter if you’re LeBron James or an Indiana Fever rookie making $66,000 a year, because everyone will be treated as equals when their league is seeking punitive damages. These women were not being shown the respect they deserved when they were receiving a mere $200 in fines for a uniform infraction, but I’m proud they’ll finally be recognized as the world-class athletes they are.” Reached for comment, WNBA players said they did not have time to talk because they were in the middle of a shift waiting tables.

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NBA Combine Tests How Well Prospects DM Models On Instagram

The Onion Staff — Mon, 12 May 2025 13:00:00 +0000

CHICAGO—Evaluating whether top college talent like Ace Bailey, Dylan Harper, and Kasparas Jakučionis can actually clean up on a professional level, the NBA Draft Combine started this week by testing how well prospects direct-message models on Instagram. “Sometimes these players’ messages look good on paper, or they’re showing off on Instagram Reels, but then you see them in person and realize they don’t have what it takes to DM at an NBA level,” said Charlotte Hornets scout Cam Twiss, who explained that prospects are assessed on their timing, emoji form, shot selection, and a host of other essential DMing skills. “Some of them are volume players firing off 30 or 40 DMs a night, while others guys are going to mix it up in the chat and fight for every reply, and the combine gives us a chance to see how they measure up. These aren’t some local college girls they are dealing with. These are elite women with careers and skills and a professional-level block game. You need a lot more speed and finesse than just texting ‘What’s up?’ with an eggplant. These models are getting hit up by DM legends like LeBron James and Paul George, and we need to predict how these kids will compete with that.” At press time, top NBA prospect Cooper Flagg was plummeting down draft boards after reportedly getting blocked by three Chicago-area models in a row.

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Homesick Luka Doncic Gazes Longingly At Photo Of Barren Dallas Office Park

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Mar 2025 16:03:50 +0000

LOS ANGELES—In the aftermath of a stunning trade that saw the point guard move from the Texas city to Los Angeles, a homesick Luka Doncic was reportedly spotted Wednesday gazing longingly at a photo of a barren Dallas office park. “Oh, to be back among those absolutely desolate and soulless business complexes,” said Doncic, explaining that he yearned to again experience the industrial sprawl of the city that prioritized uninspired concrete structures and highways over green spaces and pedestrian-friendly walkways. “Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate Los Angeles’ lack of any discernible character, and the similarly congested traffic has made the transition so much easier. But it doesn’t hold a candle to Dallas. The Pacific Ocean will just never compare to a man-made pond that’s been dyed blue.” At press time, Doncic vowed to someday return to Dallas to attend a dental conference at the downtown Hilton.

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NBA Team Physicians Admit They Only Know Medical Stuff About Legs

The Onion Staff — Wed, 08 Jan 2025 15:10:20 +0000

NEW YORK—Addressing reporters during the league’s annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited to the legs. “To be completely honest, we mostly just have expertise on the stuff that matters for our players—namely, the two legs,” said Brooklyn Nets medical director Harold Riley, explaining that the NBA has approximately 125 team physicians, all of whom are pretty much clueless about anything going on above the waistline. “You’ve got a torn ACL? We’re going to be able to help you. But we only have a vague idea what the deal is with toes. Everything in the chest is a total mystery. Presumably there are bones and stuff. And maybe arms are kind of like shorter, stubbier legs? But I wouldn’t really feel confident saying either way.” Riley added that many team physicians actually divide responsibilities with a colleague so that each can focus solely on the study of either the left or the right leg.

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LeBron Pressures Bronny To Have Grandchildren Before He’s Too Old To Play With Them In NBA

The Onion Staff — Mon, 06 Jan 2025 19:54:56 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Reminding his son that he won’t be on the roster forever, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James reportedly began pressuring Bronny to have grandchildren before he’s too old to play with them in the NBA, sources confirmed Monday. “You know, son, I’m not getting any younger, and I want to be able to pick and roll with my grandkids in playoffs before my knees are completely shot,” said James, adding that he didn’t want his grandchildren to see him as a feeble old man who struggled to get back to his feet after diving on the floor for a loose ball. “At some point my mobility will go, and I might have trouble tossing them an alley-oop or setting a screen so they can dominate in the paint. I’m not what I used to be, after all. Some days I don’t even have the energy to swat shots into the bleachers or get up in a ref’s face and argue about a trivial call. Time is of the essence here. I just don’t want my grandchildren to see me as a helpless old man barely able to dunk from the free-throw line.” At press time, James was urging Bronny’s girlfriend to put a basketball under her shirt so he could imagine how being a grandfather felt for a moment.

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Victor Wembanyama Admits He’s A Little Overwhelmed By Speed, Intensity Of NBA Groupies

The Onion Staff — Fri, 27 Oct 2023 10:45:00 +0000

SAN ANTONIO—In a thoughtful reflection on the start of his rookie season, San Antonio Spurs power forward Victor Wembanyama admitted to reporters Friday that he was a little overwhelmed by the speed and intensity of NBA groupies. “They’re so much more physical and quick than I could have ever imagined,” said Wembanyama, adding that he had trouble handling the pressure of multiple women relentlessly DMing him on Instagram. “You know that every NBA groupie is elite, but no matter how much you prepare, it’s challenging to be totally ready when you’re actually face to face with them outside the arena. Honestly, I had a hard time keeping up with them. I didn’t really account for the passion, energy, and talent of NBA groupies. If I want to last in this league, I’ll really need to work on improving my stamina.” Wembenyama added that he understood that messing up was a simply part of improving, and that he shouldn’t blame himself for rookie mistakes in his first post-game like getting several women pregnant.

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NBA Drug Tests Ben Simmons After 9-Point Explosion

The Onion Staff — Thu, 26 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

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Mark Cuban Launches Company To Help NBA Owners Save Millions On Generic Free Agents

The Onion Staff — Wed, 13 Sep 2023 10:00:00 +0000

DALLAS—Saying that every team deserved access to effective and affordable players, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban announced Wednesday the launch of a company to help NBA owners save millions on generic free agents. “The price of free agents has skyrocketed in recent years, leaving many NBA franchises unable to afford the shooting guards and swing men they need to compete for the playoffs,” the billionaire businessman said at a press conference, adding that his new venture, Basketball+ Express, could provide NBA teams with generic players from Canada, India, and China at a fraction of the cost of current free agents. “Let’s face it: Not every team has the money to afford a brand-name player like LeBron James or Giannis Antetokounmpo and still develop a strong backcourt or enough strong rotation players. It’s sad to see a team like Dallas or Houston paying these huge bills for big-name players when there are generic guys who are just as good at rebounding or defense but who don’t cost an arm and a leg. Basketball+ Express is the solution to any team dealing with rising anxiety from the costs of high-priced players.” At press time, Cuban was being investigated by the NBA for making false claims after a number of teams complained that the generic players were giving their locker rooms cancer.

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Strip Club Installs Single Pinball Machine To Occupy Shy Members Of Bachelor Party

The Onion Staff — Fri, 30 Jun 2023 10:30:00 +0000

SAN DIEGO—In an attempt to cater to a wider demographic, a local strip club reportedly installed a single pinball machine Friday to occupy the shy members of bachelor parties. “We’re pleased to announce the arrival of our new Addams Family pinball game, which shy members of a bachelor party can congregate around, rather than sitting up front with the girls,” said Heather Pell, general manager of the Landing Strip, adding that the fully restored vintage game “has plenty of flashing lights and fun stuff to look at for anyone afraid of making eye contact with a half-naked woman.” “Now, rather than pretending to go to the bathroom or make a fake phone call over and over again, our more timid visitors can act really invested in a game of pinball and hopefully avoid being hassled by other members of the group. It’s against a back wall and faces away from the stage, so there are no breasts in your sight line, or even in your peripheral vision.” Pell went on to add that the game cost $10 per play, with a $50 minimum at the bar.

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Denver Nuggets’ Rocky Revealed As NBA’s Highest-Paid Mascot With $625,000 Salary

The Onion Staff — Fri, 02 Jun 2023 19:08:00 +0000

A new report revealed that the Denver Nuggets mascot, Rocky the Mountain Lion, is the NBA’s highest-paid mascot, taking home $625,000 a year, almost 10 times that of the average $60,000 salary for a league mascot. What do you think?

“I don’t need more eviden
Barry Grant, Unemployed

“Lucky. My boss has yet to see the value of my emphatic gesturing.”
Carmela Loerzel, Volume Adjuster

“I also wouldn’t be surprised if he got into Nuggets games for free.”
Finn Becker, Digestion Coach

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