Money Archives - The Onion

Hollywood Films Increasingly Funded By Saudi Arabia

The Onion Staff — Mon, 08 Dec 2025 17:07:48 +0000

Hollywood is increasingly looking to Saudi Arabia for financing as other sources of money have dried up in the aftermath of the Covid-19 pandemic, though the kingdom’s controversial human rights record makes the relationship potentially problematic. What do you think?

“Let’s see movie critics try and leave a bad review now.”
Trevor Hopkins, Credibility Appraiser

“Do we want a ‘Space Jam 3’ or not?”
Miles Kempfer, Whistle Tester

“So now when I burn fossil fuels, I’m supporting the arts.”
Robin Westrick, Solutions Specialist

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Trump Imposes 100% Tax On Movies Where Slaves Escape

The Onion Staff — Mon, 17 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—In an effort to bring an end to what he described as an anti-American trend in filmmaking, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday imposing a 100% tax on the profits of movies that depict people escaping from slavery. “For too long, liberal Hollywood has pushed its false narratives of unhappy slaves desiring freedom,” said Trump, who criticized what he called the “violent extremism” of films in which enslaved people break free from their shackles, claiming such stories were “racist” against slave owners. “We want our slaves whistling, and we want them doing hard work with a spring in their step. No more with the America-hating uprisings, the emancipations. And we will be doing tax breaks for the good films—especially ones where a slave learns about love from their white master.” At press time, the president was reportedly in talks with members of Congress to provide federal subsidies for movies in which an escaped slave comes back.

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MacKenzie Scott Donates $80 Million To Reboot ‘Living Single’

The Onion Staff — Tue, 11 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—In a move that has drawn widespread praise, billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott reportedly donated $80 million Tuesday to reboot Living Single. “It’s inspiring and refreshing to see an ally who’s not just talking the talk, but walking the walk,” said Living Single fan Melanie Parker, who noted that the need for the reboot of the ’90s sitcom was an initiative that had been ignored by politicians and other leaders for a long time. “Since the gift is unrestricted, that means the show’s producers can use the money however they like, whether they want to remake the series with a brand-new cast or pay for CGI antiaging technology so the series can pick up in 1998 right where it left off. It’s really incredible. She didn’t even ask for an executive producer credit.” Parker added that the donation couldn’t have come at a more crucial time, especially with all the funding the Trump administration was redirecting toward Friends.

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Ransom Notes Really Starting To Pile Up

The Onion Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

CORVALLIS, OR—As he tried to avert his gaze from the stress-inducing pile of letters seeking money, local man Todd Fincher remarked Tuesday that the ransom notes on his coffee table were really beginning to pile up. “I’ve been procrastinating on these for months because I just don’t want to deal with them, and now I’ve got a huge stack,” said Fincher, who explained that it was always easier to convince himself that mowing the lawn or cleaning the kitchen was more pressing, and that he could wait until the next day to withdraw 10 grand in cash from the bank. “Look at these. One for my son, one for my assistant at work, another for my mom. You just can’t get ahead in this economy. You pay to get your daughter back, and then two weeks later you get yet another picture of your wife locked up in someone’s basement. I keep saying I’ll get around to getting everyone back, but some of these notes are six months old or more, and I’m honestly just embarrassed. Some are addressed to the previous resident, too, even though I’ve written back to explain they haven’t lived here in years.” “What’s crazy is that I know I’ll feel better the second I don’t have Cara’s fate hanging over my head, and yet I still let it go month after month,” he continued. “I can’t even check the mailbox anymore, because it’s getting too depressing. It’s also starting to stink, and I’m worried there could be a severed finger or something in one of those packages.” Fincher admitted that while all the random notes were overwhelming, it might make things less stressful if he at least paid to get his dog back.

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New Mexico Becomes First State To Offer Free Child Care

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 18:14:25 +0000

New Mexico will become the first U.S. state to offer free child care to all residents regardless of income, saving families up to about $12,000 per child each year. What do you think?

“Yeah, but I bet you have to pay for other stuff you want.”
Holly Choo, Grape Peeler

“Any states offering a free RAV4?”
John Wickwire, Plaque Engraver

“But child care is so cheap. All you need is a fence and some oatmeal.”
Seth Bemke, Napkin Folder

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Trump Imposes 25% Tariff On Chinese-Made Trump Products

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to stop U.S. markets from being flooded with foreign-made campaign merchandise and other licensed items promoting his brand, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday imposing an additional 25% tariff on authorized Trump products made in China.

According to the White House, the new tariff makes good on the president’s long-running promise to bring manufacturing jobs back to the United States, in this case by discouraging the Trump Organization’s retail stores from importing goods from China. The hope, advisors said, was that more of the Trump Store’s “45-47” sweaters, star-spangled Trump mugs, Gulf of America hats, and MAGA-themed pickleball equipment would be made on American shores.

“I am fighting back against these garbage and frankly toxic TRUMP products that the Chinese Communist Party is DUMPING on the American people—MUST END NOW!” Trump wrote on Truth Social, claiming that other countries were “ripping off” the United States with their cheap exports of official Trump-brand commemorative coins, “Golden Age of America” T-shirts, leatherette Trump pocket flasks, and ball caps featuring a cartoon eagle that shares the president’s trademark hairstyle. “China ate Biden’s lunch when they overran This Great Land with authentic TRUMP watches, jackets, and water bottles, not to mention faulty TRUMP Bibles, which don’t even include the complete words to ‘God Bless the USA.’ But now the era of shoddy ‘TRUMP 2028’ sneakers that fall apart the second you take them out of the box is OVER!”

The new tariff aims to increase production of Trump gear in America.

“This is the only way to ensure all licensed TRUMP merchandise is made right here in the USA,” Trump continued. “That TRUMP China crap is LOW CLASS JUNK!”

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the 25% tariff would go into effect immediately, adding that the president could raise the rate further or even issue a directive prohibiting Chinese container ships full of Trump umbrellas, Make Summer Great Again shot glasses, and gold-toned Trump Mobile smartphones from docking at U.S. ports.

While the administration touted the new policy’s benefits for domestic manufacturing, many economists pointed out that the Trump Store might still choose to import goods from China, because it could simply pay the higher tariffs and pass the expense on to consumers in the form of higher prices. In such a scenario, financial experts said, the rising cost of Trump apparel and other assorted trinkets would hit lower- and middle-income households the hardest.

Lorna Cullins, a medical assistant and three-time Trump voter from Prathersville, MO, acknowledged it wouldn’t be easy to set aside an even greater share of her hard-earned wages for Trump gear, but she said it would be worth it in the long run.

“We’ll make do somehow,” Cullins, 53, told reporters, expressing confidence that the president knew what he was doing. “I’ll have to budget a little more carefully if I’m going to afford the red, white, and blue Trump headscarf I’ve had my eye on, not to mention that faux-diamond-studded MAGA necklace. On the plus side, maybe some of this stuff will be better quality if it’s made in the USA. That Trump-brand ‘Fight Fight Fight’ cologne has been giving my husband a rash.”

“And I can’t hear shit through these China-made Trump earbuds,” she added.

His rhetoric growing more combative as the day wore on, the president wrote on Truth Social that it was “un-American” and “treasonous” to move the production of official Trump merchandise offshore, and he vowed to hunt down the offenders and hold them fully accountable.

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Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

The post Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check appeared first on The Onion.

NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming its commitment to gamblers only ruining their lives in ways that are completely legal. “When it comes to gambling, the NBA wants to ensure basketball fans are only blowing up their lives and those of their loved ones through the proper, lawful channels,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver, emphasizing the league’s zero-tolerance policy for any ill-advised wagers that lead to the bettor’s total financial devastation but aren’t made through a licensed online or brick-and-mortar sportsbook. “Look, if you’re going to liquidate your daughter’s college fund in order to finance a long-shot parlay on the Pelicans, or take out a high-interest credit line using your brother’s restaurant as collateral to cover another week of haphazardly placed lightning bets, do it in an above-board manner through one of the numerous sportsbooks with which the NBA has established partnerships bringing in hundreds of millions of dollars annually. If you’re making a series of increasingly reckless wagers that leaves you destitute, penniless, and alienated from everyone who once loved you, fine, but it needs to be within the full letter of the law. No exceptions.” Silver added that any individuals looking to develop a lifelong gambling compulsion through officially sanctioned channels could obtain up to $300 in bonus cash on DraftKings using the promotional code SHAQATTACK.

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37-Year-Old Still On Parents’ Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month

The Onion Staff — Fri, 24 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

SAN DIEGO—Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday by clarifying that he paid his parents $50 a month for his portion of their Verizon phone plan. “No, no, no—it would be crazy if I let them pay it in full,” said Landry, explaining that despite using a phone his parents helped him buy at the age of 35, he had always Venmoed them immediately at the beginning of every billing cycle. “I wanted to quit and get my own plan, actually, but that would be too much of a hassle for my parents at this point. Plus, it’s a family plan, so it’s cheaper for all of us. Really I’m doing them a favor this way.” At press time, Landry was reportedly sending his mom an extra $10 after receiving a text from her informing him that he had gone over his data limit again.

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Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 18:16:46 +0000

NEW YORK—Casting doubt on the mayoral candidate’s ability to effectively carry out the duties of the office, critics assailed New York State Rep. Zohran Mamdani Friday for refusing to share his plan to make the rich richer. “Despite repeated calls to release his four-year plan for growing the coffers of our city’s wealthy elite, Mamdani has so far offered few specifics on how he would increase economic inequality as mayor,” said political analyst Susannah Stoughton, adding that Mamdani currently had no information on his campaign website about how he planned to create new billionaires and centimillionaires if elected. “A lot of New Yorkers are sitting at their 30-foot mahogany kitchen tables worrying about how they’re going to make that next superyacht payment, yet Mamdani refuses to directly address their concerns. He dodged multiple questions at the debate about how he would create tax loopholes for Manhattanites making over $5 million per year, and never once discussed subsidies for private jets. At a certain point, Mamdani’s evasiveness raises a big question: Does this man have the political experience necessary to serve the CEOs and fossil fuel heirs of his city?” At press time, critics alleged that Mamdani was also being cagey about his plans for making the poor poorer.

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Pros And Cons Of Using ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’

The Onion Staff — Fri, 17 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

Services such as Klarna, Affirm, and AfterPay, which offer users “buy now, pay later” financing, have surged in popularity among U.S. consumers. The Onion examines the pros and cons of using BNPL loans.

PRO

Ideal for shoppers seeking a less traditional debt trap

Bills are every month, but this girls trip is once in a lifetime

If you time it right, your wife won’t realize she paid for her own birthday present

Who would go through the trouble of repossessing a hot dog toaster?

Don’t have to pay back if you delete app

CON

Might get accustomed to affording pharmaceuticals beyond your means

Many plans contain fees hidden to those who can’t read

Friends will suddenly all expect “Mr. Jet Ski” to pick up the check

Destroys thrill of shoplifting

Chipotle still disappointing

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Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider

The Onion Staff — Wed, 15 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ST. LOUIS—According to sources inside the 2006 Honda Civic, area father Michael Lothan’s drive home Wednesday, which took a shortcut through a nearby wealthy neighborhood, exposed his children to his shortcomings as a provider. “Why are all these houses so big if there’s just one family living in them?” said Lothan’s 7-year-old son, Theo, while his 9-year-old daughter, Riley, sat silently with her forehead pressed against the window, seeing three-car garages, in-ground pools, and manicured lawns on the well-maintained street and beginning to grasp in a real way her father’s numerous inadequacies. “What does that family even do with three satellite dishes, Dad? Do they have more than one TV? And look, those kids are playing on a full basketball court. All these houses have nice circular driveways, too. Why don’t you want us to live in a place like this, Dad?” At press time, Lothan reportedly made a weak attempt to assure his dubious children that “money isn’t everything” as they pulled up to the faded split-level that served as a physical representation of his failure as a man.

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