Aaron Rodgers Archives - The Onion

Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He’s Seen

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 18:16:03 +0000

PITTSBURGH—Noting that conversations with the veteran signal-caller had become more perplexing than ever, sources close to Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback was now clearly just taking his personal beliefs from various commercials he’d seen. “Aaron’s always been a pretty opinionated guy, but lately every time he expresses a viewpoint, I feel like it’s something I’ve heard the Geico lizard say on TV,” Steelers wide receiver DK Metcalf told reporters, citing a recent incident in which Rodgers gathered his teammates for a pregame meeting to passionately urge them all to “obey [their] thirst,” at one point pausing mid-sentence to absentmindedly mutter, “Liberty Biberty.” “Like, we were in a huddle during the Colts game, and he told us all that there’s never been a better time to lock in a deal on a new Chevy. And while we were trying to figure out what exactly he meant by that, he got all riled up about how, as a team, we need a polyurethane deck sealant that stands up to tough weather conditions. Then we got a delay of game penalty.” At press time, Rodgers had barged into general manager Omar Khan’s office to demand that Metcalf be traded for Chester Cheetah.

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Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible

The Onion Staff — Sun, 12 Oct 2025 13:30:00 +0000

PITTSBURGH—In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic audible during the Steelers’ opening drive against the Browns. “He seemed like he was in a good rhythm, and then suddenly he’s on the turf clutching his head, screaming for someone to bring over his crystals,” said Steelers head trainer Gabe Amponsah, who explained that the injury occurred when Rodgers unsuccessfully tried to call a third-down shift to a post route by transmitting “pure cognitive energy” directly to teammates’ minds, triggering immediate physical paralysis and a strange metallic taste in his mouth. “When I got out on the field, he told me a dark spiritual force had blocked his mindspeak and that something inside his brain had popped. Aaron insisted he could stay in the game by astrally projecting into a different form, but he was clearly in severe psychogenic distress and needed to come out.” At press time, Rodgers was reportedly in stable condition after donning a homemade neuro-healing helmet fashioned from a colander, D batteries, and the feathers of rare birds in an effort to realign his cerebral vibrations with his True Consciousness.

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Aaron Rodgers Purchases Lavish Pittsburgh-Area Bunker

The Onion Staff — Tue, 10 Jun 2025 17:43:37 +0000

PITTSBURGH—After the Steelers signed him to a one-year, $13.6 million deal with performance incentives, quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly purchased a lavish underground bunker Tuesday in the heart of Pittsburgh. “I’ve always loved Pittsburgh, and I’m excited to finally get settled into a new survival shelter in an undisclosed location deep beneath the city,” said the controversial four-time MVP, adding that he “couldn’t be happier” to have purchased the windowless, 10,000-square-foot fortified structure, which is equipped with custom air filters, a state-of-the-art water purification system, and years’ worth of emergency supplies, in addition to being located just a short drive from Acrisure Stadium. “This city has such a rich history, and the minute I opened the double reinforced steel doors of this home and entered its anti-woke chamber, I knew it was the one. I loved my old doomsday bunker in New Jersey, but there’s no place I’d rather stockpile weapons and prepare for the impending end of days than right here in the ’Burgh.” At press time, Rodgers had sparked marriage rumors after expressing excitement that his bunker had both a trad wife wing and a birthing chamber.

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Aaron Rodgers Goes On Ayahuasca Retreat In Search Of New Interview Anecdote

The Onion Staff — Mon, 14 Apr 2025 13:00:00 +0000

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a “transformative experience,” Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he’d gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes. “When I first did ayahuasca, I knew immediately that I’d found something that I could talk about for hours on all types of media platforms,” said Rodgers, who added that ingesting hallucinogens with the help of a shaman finally gave him the power, wisdom, and mental clarity to discuss his newfound drug use nonstop on podcasts, radio shows, and TV programs. “Before, I used to go into interviews and be unable to produce a single juicy sound bite, tidbit, or headline that would make me seem even remotely interesting to the general public. But since entering a maloca in Costa Rica and participating in the ceremony, I haven’t been able to shut up about it,” he said. “It’s been such an incredible journey, going deep inside my spirit to find more ways to talk about myself. When it comes to generating press, my third eye is truly open.” Rodgers went on to tell reporters that he would continue to make ayahuasca his entire personality for decades to come in order to avoid discussing the fact that he just helped the Jets miss the playoffs for the 14th-consecutive season.

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Aaron Rodgers Fuming That NFL Hasn’t Added Expansion Team To Sign Him

The Onion Staff — Fri, 04 Apr 2025 13:00:00 +0000

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Declaring that this was no way to treat a Super Bowl winner and four-time league MVP, quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday that he was furious the NFL hadn’t added an expansion team to sign him. “After everything I’ve done for this sport, the least they could do is create an entirely new franchise so I can play quarterback next season,” said the 41-year-old, adding that it was completely unacceptable for him to still be unsigned when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell could simply snap his fingers and create a team in San Antonio; Honolulu; Columbus, OH; or Portland, OR for Rodgers to lead in 2025. “I’ve played 20 seasons in the NFL, so I think it’s pretty messed up that no one’s even offered to pump hundreds of millions into a new stadium, coaching staff, and roster just so I can get on the field. Seriously, I’m not picky. If I had to, I’d even go to Canada!” Rodgers added that he was also furious that NFL Network hadn’t created a new streaming service to hire him as a commentator.

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Aaron Rodgers Shows Rookies How To Break Down Zapruder Film

The Onion Staff — Tue, 10 Dec 2024 13:00:00 +0000

NEW YORK—Calling his nightly study sessions the difference between winning and losing the war against the deep state, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly took time Monday to demonstrate to rookies how to properly break down the Zapruder film. “Right now Umbrella Man is motioning, and that tells me they’re using two firing squads,” Rodgers said before pausing the footage onscreen to highlight the crossing routes the bullets would take through Dealey Plaza. “The Secret Service is always going to try to disguise the fact that this is a kill zone, but look at the formation they’re in. JFK is totally isolated, and that’s a dead giveaway they’re in on it. All this needs to be second nature to you, and the only way that’s gonna happen is if you’re like me and study this shit for hours after every single game.” Rodgers then told the rookies to assume the government had been studying them just as intensely and would exploit every one of their weaknesses.

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