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Vol 60: Issue 44

American Voices

Trump Says He Would Protect Women ‘Whether Women Like It Or Not’

Former President Donald Trump said at his rally in Green Bay, WI that he would “protect” women “whether the women like it or not,” remarks…
Baseball

Undeterred Yankees Fan Attempts To Wrestle World Series Trophy Away From Mookie Betts
Politics

Trump Admits Relationship With Epstein Severed After Dispute Over Dibs On Ivanka

PALM BEACH, FL—Asserting that the pair had not been close “for decades” prior to the financier’s death, Donald Trump admitted Friday that his relationship with…
News

Piss-Soaked Tucker Carlson Claims Demon Urinated On Him While He Slept

BRYANT POND, ME—Describing the moment as a “transformative experience” that inspired him to embrace God and read the Bible, a piss-soaked Tucker Carlson claimed Friday that…
Football

Deshaun Watson Figures Now A Good Time To Get Into Dog Fighting

CLEVELAND—Discussing how his season-ending injury had inspired him to explore other interests, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters this week that now might be…
News

Historians Unearth Final Fundraising Telegraph Hitler Sent From Bunker

BERLIN—In a discovery that sheds new light on the infamous dictator’s last moments, historians in Berlin confirmed Friday that they had unearthed the final fundraising…

Politics

Pros And Cons Of Making Election Day A Federal Holiday

As designated by Congress in 1845, election day falls on the first Tuesday following the first Monday of November every year. The Onion examines the…
American Voices

Elon Musk Claims Trump Economic Plan Would Cause Hardship

Elon Musk claimed that if Donald Trump puts him in charge of government efficiency, as planned, he can cut “at least $2 trillion” from the…
Politics

Las Vegas Unveils New Swim-Up Voting Booths
American Voices

‘Washington Post’ Loses 250,000 Subscribers Over Decision To End Presidential Endorsements

More than 250,000 Washington Post readers have canceled their subscriptions since the newspaper announced last week that it would not make an endorsement in the…
Politics

New Indiana Law Requires Women Voters To Show Husband’s ID

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to ensure only properly credentialed individuals are allowed to participate in the political franchise, a new law passed Thursday in Indiana requires…
Politics

Biden Whimpering From Inside White House Supply Closet

WASHINGTON—Desperately clawing at the door in an apparent attempt to get the attention of passing aides, President Joe Biden reportedly spent Thursday whimpering from inside…

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