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Bored National Guard Goes Door To Door Asking If Chicagoans Have Any Order They Need Restored

CHICAGO—Unsure where to find the lawlessness and chaos they were told was overtaking the city, National Guard troops deployed to Chicago by President Donald Trump have…
Baseball, Sports

White Sox Fans Asked To Remove Polish Sausage From Mouths During National Anthem

CHICAGO—As a singer made her way onto the field to kickoff another home game with “The Star-Spangled Banner,” White Sox public address announcer Gene Honda…
American Voices

Michael Jordan’s Former Chicagoland Mansion Listed On Airbnb

A suburban mansion once home to NBA legend Michael Jordan is now available to rent on Airbnb, boasting seven bedrooms, 17.5 bathrooms, infinity pool, movie…
Entertainment

New ‘The Bear’ Season Features Mutant Carmy Terrorizing Chicago After Falling Into Vat Of Beef Juice

CHICAGO—With the fourth season of the hit FX show now streaming, viewers reportedly tuned into new episodes of The Bear Wednesday and watched a mutant…
News

Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope
Sports

Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race

CHICAGO—Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that…

Local

Dead Bird On Sidewalk Leads Man To Contemplate Own Inevitable Collision With Plate Glass

CHICAGO—Realizing there comes a time when everyone crashes into a window, local man Danny Nagler told reporters Wednesday that a dead bird on the sidewalk…
Local

Zoo Gorilla Looks Bored Out Of Mind Reading ‘Wuthering Heights’

CHICAGO—Observing the 300-pound captive ape from the other side of his enclosure, Lincoln Park Zoo guests expressed empathy this week for western lowland gorilla Nzinga,…
Local

Man Replies ‘STOP’ To Political Fundraiser Text Like Powerful Wizard Casting Spell To Ward Off Mythical Beast

CHICAGO—In an act of astonishing fortitude that showed he drew upon a seemingly endless well of mystic strength, local man Anthony Palmer reportedly replied “STOP”…

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