Vol 61: Issue 45 Archives - The Onion

Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter

The Onion Staff — Sun, 09 Nov 2025 18:05:00 +0000

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. “Looking back, we should’ve probably checked to make sure he’d played Division I football or at the very least had some kind of proven track record as an athlete, but honestly, we were just blown away by that cover letter,” said Patriots general manager Eliot Wolf, adding that the undersized defender’s self-described passion, attention to detail, comfort in team settings, and background in AP English initially made him seem like a no-brainer for the team’s third-round pick. “Should we have looked into his 40 time, or his bench press reps, or whether he was taller than 5-foot-4? Yes, it’s clear now we should’ve. But man, if you’d read his paragraph about seeing challenges as opportunities, you’d hire him, too.” At press time, team sources confirmed that Welles would be sidelined two to four weeks after sustaining a concussion while attempting to tackle a blocking sled.

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Tips For Antiquing

The Onion Staff — Sat, 08 Nov 2025 17:11:11 +0000

Shopping for antiques can be a fun, sustainable, and stylish way to decorate your home. The Onion shares tips for antiquing.

Save time by having a clear idea of what kind of old shit you’re looking for.

Arrive in a van or truck large enough to fit 30-plus paintings of pale children picking flowers.

Double-check that you’re in an antique store and not the home of an elderly hoarder.

Bite down on the chair to make sure it’s authentic Herman Miller.

Loudly ask vendors how much each item would go for on Pawn Stars.

Remember, if you’re not in the Antique region of Connecticut, it’s technically thrifting.

Be prepared to haggle with someone who is emotionally attached to a broken table.

Make sure your certificate of authenticity comes with its own certificate of authenticity.

Give up and buy something new that’s designed to look old.

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Understaffed FAA Recommends Pilots Just Go With Their Gut

The Onion Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 19:14:32 +0000

WASHINGTON—As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation Friday advising commercial pilots to “just go with their gut.” “You’ve done this plenty of times by now, so, you know, go ahead and feel free to trust your instincts when landing without visibility,” said FAA administrator Bryan Bedford, assuring concerned pilots that there were no wrong answers when it came to flying an airplane and that the worst thing they could do was overthink it. “Look, you’ve probably got a good feel for which runways are open by now, and if you see another plane headed your way, just do what feels natural—go up, turn sideways. You’d know better than us. Planes have computers now, so you can probably let the computers do a lot of stuff for you. Just close your eyes and hope for the best.” The FAA assured pilots not to worry, suggesting that the “sky is pretty huge” and that they would probably be okay.

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‘Wicked’ Director Reveals Sequel Will Pick Up Right Where First Branded Tumbler Left Off

The Onion Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES—Preparing fans to jump back into the beloved world of Oz, Wicked: For Good director Jon M. Chu revealed this week that the upcoming movie would pick up right where the first branded tumbler left off. “Wicked part two is a seamless continuation of the original Target-exclusive stainless steel tumbler with detachable straw,” said the filmmaker, emphasizing that anyone who loved the first $34.99 green-and-pink beverage container would be equally blown away by the second one. “Anyone is welcome to jump right into For Good, but I’d definitely recommend familiarizing yourself with last year’s insulated cup since there will be some important callbacks. We’ll wrap up storylines and go further than we ever could have in just one 40-oz lidded vessel.” At press time, Chu added that the film would also contain Easter eggs for fans of the 1939 Tin Man lunch box.

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France Suspends Shein Over Sex Dolls

The Onion Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

France announced that it will suspend Shein’s online marketplace after listings of sex dolls with child-like features emerged, coming as the brand opens its first brick-and-mortar store in Paris. What do you think?

“Why, what’s the age of consent for sex dolls in France?”
Dion Kerr, Soda Distiller

“Anyone who’s serious about their sex dolls would never buy one from Shein anyway.”
Beth Polonsky, Cactus Trimmer

“All my sex dolls are well into their 50s.”
Eddie Fermin, Unemployed

The post France Suspends Shein Over Sex Dolls appeared first on The Onion.

‘Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!’ Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit

The Onion Staff — Fri, 07 Nov 2025 14:00:00 +0000

CRAWFORD, TX—Lashing out at the overbearing former vice president seated motionless in a rocking chair by the attic window, a distraught George W. Bush shouted, “Shut up, Mother! Shut up!” at the skeleton of Dick Cheney dressed in a suit, sources confirmed Friday. “I’m not your little boy anymore, Mother, so why must you constantly criticize me?” said the trembling 43rd president of the United States, accusing Cheney’s remains of cruelly mocking his paintings as “girlish” and “unbecoming of a boy his age.” “Don’t look at me that way, Mother! You always look at me that way! Go ahead and laugh, laugh that shrill old laugh of yours, but I can make my own decisions now because you don’t control me! Fine Mother, bring up bin Laden, just like you always do. You’ve spent your whole life trying to make me feel small, but I’m grown now. I’m a man, Mother, a man ! Hush now, I didn’t mean to raise my voice, Mother, honest. Let Georgie come and give you a kiss.” At press time, the former president was reportedly guiding Laura Bush toward the attic while murmuring, “Mother’s finally ready to meet you.”

The post ‘Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!’ Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit appeared first on The Onion.

Tom Brady Clones Dog

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 21:30:51 +0000

Tom Brady revealed that he and his family used non-invasive technology to create a clone of their beloved dog after the original pet passed away. What do you think?

“It would’ve been much more humane to clone a shelter dog.”
Yvonne Canales, Systems Analyst

“Well, that really fucks my parlay.”
Barry Niestradt, Bracelet Model

“You’d think he could afford a new dog.”
David Wohlers, Curling Announcer

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DHS: ‘Daycare Workers Have Walked Freely in This Country For Far Too Long’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 19:59:16 +0000

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming the Trump administration’s promise to crack down on individuals providing supervision and instruction to youngsters across the United States, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem stated at a press conference Thursday that daycare workers have walked freely in this country for far too long. “Time and time again, we have allowed these people to watch our kids while we’re at work with no consequences,” said Noem, adding that caregivers would no longer get off scot-free for tending to children’s every need. “Previous administrations have done nothing while these dangerous offenders indoctrinated our children with letters, shapes, and numbers. But now America is back, and we will not stand for this. The Biden-era nightmare of childcare providers doling out apple juice with impunity is finally over. Americans can sleep soundly knowing that ICE remains dedicated to getting these caregivers out of our essential workforce.” Noem then stepped away from the podium to deal with staffing shortages that arose when DHS employees could no longer find childcare.

The post DHS: ‘Daycare Workers Have Walked Freely in This Country For Far Too Long’ appeared first on The Onion.

Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 17:29:43 +0000

Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani made history Tuesday night when he was elected the first Muslim mayor of New York City. The Onion fact-checks the claims being made about Mamdani.

Claim: Mamdani is a nepo baby.

True: Mamdani is the eldest son of Bill de Blasio and Ed Koch.

Claim: Mamdani will destroy New York City.

False: Rapidly rising sea levels will destroy New York City.

Claim: Mamdani is a communist.

False: Any real communist will happily spend six hours explaining why this isn’t true.

Claim: Mamdani adheres to an extremist interpretation of Sharia law.

False: Mamdani remains honor-bound to the ancient samurai code of Bushidō.

Claim: My uncle says Mamdani will abolish the entire NYPD.

True: Your uncle does say that.

Claim: Mamdani met his wife on Hinge.

True: But it won’t happen to you.

Claim: Mamdani ended Andrew Cuomo’s political career.

False: Cuomo ended Cuomo’s political career.

Claim: He’s 34.

True: It’s time to get your shit together.

The post Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani appeared first on The Onion.

Californians Approve Measure To Redraw ‘Garfield’

The Onion Staff — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 17:01:29 +0000

SACRAMENTO, CA—Passing the Democrat-backed initiative with a resounding 60% of the vote, Californians overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure this week to redraw the cartoon character Garfield. “The people of California have spoken, and they want their funny pages to have an obese orange tabby cat who reflects the character design sensibilities our Founding Fathers stood for,” said California Gov. Gavin Newsom, adding that the proposition to drastically alter Garfield’s eyes, limb proportions, and fur coloration was a direct retaliation against Texas Republicans’ ongoing efforts to redraw Dilbert. “While Garfield has historically been redrawn every 10 years based on input from Jim Davis, these are not normal times. We cannot go back to the squinting, quadrupedal Garfield of the 1970s and ’80s. Republican overreach is jeopardizing the comic strips we hold dearest, and Californians have given us a mandate to create a Garfield who is taller, a little fuller in the hips, and has whiskers that move around more in response to his emotions.” At press time, California Republicans had reportedly moved to block the Garfield redrawing process with an extended arc focusing exclusively on Jon Arbuckle and his former roommate Lyman.

The post Californians Approve Measure To Redraw ‘Garfield’ appeared first on The Onion.

Woman Mistakenly Receives Box Of Human Hands, Fingers

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 19:21:20 +0000

A Kentucky woman who was expecting a delivery of medicine instead mistakenly received a box containing severed human hands and fingers that were meant for surgical training use. What do you think?

“Looks like someone has a secret admirer.”
Adam Colosimo, Celebration Organizer

“Cancel that subscription or they’ll keep sending you more.”
Mustafa Fadel, Rope Puller

“When did fingers stop being medicine?”
Teagan Doty, Football Lacer

The post Woman Mistakenly Receives Box Of Human Hands, Fingers appeared first on The Onion.

Pros And Cons Of A 3rd Trump Term

The Onion Staff — Wed, 05 Nov 2025 18:28:34 +0000

Last week, President Trump discussed the possibility of running for a third term in 2028, despite the 22nd Amendment’s prohibition on being elected to the office more than twice. The Onion examines the pros and cons of a third Trump term.

PRO

Newly awakened coma patients will always know who the president is
Cheaper than putting him in a home
Hell of an underdog story
Probably get a day off when he dies

CON

Cost of printing up new constitutions
Unfairly blocks other 79-year-olds from job advancement
Going to run out of White House to demolish
Already ordered 2,000 “Rand Paul 2028” shirts

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