NFL Archives - The Onion

Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter

The Onion Staff — Sun, 09 Nov 2025 18:05:00 +0000

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. “Looking back, we should’ve probably checked to make sure he’d played Division I football or at the very least had some kind of proven track record as an athlete, but honestly, we were just blown away by that cover letter,” said Patriots general manager Eliot Wolf, adding that the undersized defender’s self-described passion, attention to detail, comfort in team settings, and background in AP English initially made him seem like a no-brainer for the team’s third-round pick. “Should we have looked into his 40 time, or his bench press reps, or whether he was taller than 5-foot-4? Yes, it’s clear now we should’ve. But man, if you’d read his paragraph about seeing challenges as opportunities, you’d hire him, too.” At press time, team sources confirmed that Welles would be sidelined two to four weeks after sustaining a concussion while attempting to tackle a blocking sled.

The post Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter appeared first on The Onion.

Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People’s Hands

The Onion Staff — Mon, 03 Nov 2025 01:20:00 +0000

The post Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People’s Hands appeared first on The Onion.

Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline

The Onion Staff — Fri, 31 Oct 2025 00:30:00 +0000

The post Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline appeared first on The Onion.

Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible

The Onion Staff — Sun, 12 Oct 2025 13:30:00 +0000

PITTSBURGH—In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic audible during the Steelers’ opening drive against the Browns. “He seemed like he was in a good rhythm, and then suddenly he’s on the turf clutching his head, screaming for someone to bring over his crystals,” said Steelers head trainer Gabe Amponsah, who explained that the injury occurred when Rodgers unsuccessfully tried to call a third-down shift to a post route by transmitting “pure cognitive energy” directly to teammates’ minds, triggering immediate physical paralysis and a strange metallic taste in his mouth. “When I got out on the field, he told me a dark spiritual force had blocked his mindspeak and that something inside his brain had popped. Aaron insisted he could stay in the game by astrally projecting into a different form, but he was clearly in severe psychogenic distress and needed to come out.” At press time, Rodgers was reportedly in stable condition after donning a homemade neuro-healing helmet fashioned from a colander, D batteries, and the feathers of rare birds in an effort to realign his cerebral vibrations with his True Consciousness.

The post Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible appeared first on The Onion.

Ex-Quarterback Mark Sanchez Charged With Felony Battery

The Onion Staff — Tue, 07 Oct 2025 20:41:47 +0000

Former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez faces a felony battery charge after allegedly confronting a 69-year-old truck driver at a hotel loading dock, with the driver pepper-spraying and stabbing Sanchez as he continued advancing toward him. What do you think?

“So a punch is the one thing he can throw.”
Eli Markussen, Optical Illusionist

“Can we skip to the part where we get to dissect his brain?”
Margaret Yee, Banana Ripener

“No way they’d penalize Mahomes for that.”
Logan Hedstrom, Wheat Bundler

The post Ex-Quarterback Mark Sanchez Charged With Felony Battery appeared first on The Onion.

Report: It Nice That Linemen Feel Comfortable Showing Off Bare Bellies

The Onion Staff — Fri, 03 Oct 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The post Report: It Nice That Linemen Feel Comfortable Showing Off Bare Bellies appeared first on The Onion.

Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches

The Onion Staff — Mon, 15 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Describing the practice as “vital to player development,” researchers at Harvard University published a study Monday that shows immediate skin-to-skin contact between NFL coaches and newly drafted players significantly improves adaptation to the professional level and long-term performance on the field. “The first few hours after getting drafted are crucial—when a coach removes his shirt and cradles a first-year player against his hairy chest, it forges neural bonds, optimizes cortisol levels for big-game situations, and lays the foundation for elite football instincts,” said the study’s author, Dr. Lydia Zhou, who noted that Tom Brady’s transformation from sixth-round pick to all-time great began on draft night when Bill Belichick held the quarterback against his warm chest under his hoodie and gently rocked him while humming “You Are My Sunshine.” “Conversely, first-overall pick Bryce Young went his entire rookie season without once being snuggled against Frank Reich’s bare chest, and that lack of tactile reassurance likely contributed to his difficulties reading defenses and bonding with the offensive line, ultimately leading to a 2-15 record for the team.” Zhou then emphasized that while skin-to-skin contact was ideal, rookies could still reap partial neurological benefits from being swaddled in weighted blankets scented with their coach’s musk.

The post Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches appeared first on The Onion.

Giants Players Horrified To Learn Uniforms Have Names On Back

The Onion Staff — Sun, 14 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

ARLINGTON, TX—Panicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the team’s dismal performance in recent years, several members of the New York Giants were reportedly horrified to learn before Sunday’s game that their uniforms have their names on the back. “Wait…so the millions of people watching on national television can see who I am?” said wide receiver Malik Nabers, scrambling to pull a hoodie over his jersey so as not to have his name associated with a historically awful Giants team coming off a 3-14 season. “Oh God, this is a nightmare. I thought we were anonymous out there. Like, I told my family I play for the Chiefs. This is bad—really, really bad.” At press time, sources confirmed that multiple players were rushing to the equipment staff demanding blank jerseys with no names on the back.

The post Giants Players Horrified To Learn Uniforms Have Names On Back appeared first on The Onion.

Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter

The Onion Staff — Sun, 07 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to players after the third quarter. “We have unfortunately heard more than a few complaints about our players’ rowdy and aggressive behavior,” said Patriots spokesperson Aaron Kozachik, who stressed that while some may find the limit aggravating, he hoped the new rule would ensure a more orderly experience for all players in attendance. “There simply have been too many fights recently for us not to take action.” Kozachik added, “As a reminder, players will still be able to enjoy as many beers or other alcoholic beverages as they like during the game’s first three quarters, so long as they are not visibly intoxicated and purchase no more than two drinks at a time.” At press time, stadium security had reportedly discovered vodka inside several of the players’ water bottles after Patriots quarterback Drake Maye vomited all over the huddle.

The post Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter appeared first on The Onion.

Micah Parsons Unnerved By Deafening Roar Of 80,000 Packers Fans Catching Breath

The Onion Staff — Sun, 07 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

The post Micah Parsons Unnerved By Deafening Roar Of 80,000 Packers Fans Catching Breath appeared first on The Onion.

‘People Who Go In That Locker Room Come Out…Different,’ Jets Custodian Warns Aaron Glenn

The Onion Staff — Fri, 05 Sep 2025 13:00:00 +0000

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Speaking grimly as he mopped the floor beneath flickering fluorescent lights, longtime MetLife Stadium custodian Keith Browning reportedly approached first year New York Jets head coach Aaron Glenn Friday and warned him that “people who go in that locker room come out…different.” “You be careful in there, Coach—I’ve seen a lot of good men walk into that locker room with big dreams only to come out broken, no light in their eyes…ghosts of who they once were,” said Browning, who suddenly paused as an eerie sobbing sound echoed through the ceiling vents, and then whispered, “That’s Gase—no one’s seen him since the 2-14 season…but you can still hear him.” “Things die in that room, Coach. Hopes, game plans, careers. You see a young core, you think maybe this time it’ll be different. But it won’t. It starts with a couple blown double-digit leads. Then it’s week five and you’re up on the podium praising ‘the fight in the guys’ after a 30-7 loss. Then, next thing you know, your DC’s gone rogue, Trevor Siemian is under center again, and you’re throwing challenge flags you don’t remember holding. Everyone thinks they can fix this team, but they can’t. You can only survive it…if you’re lucky.” At press time, Browning was said to have handed Glenn a laminated play sheet with the word “RUN!” scrawled in red over the formations.

The post ‘People Who Go In That Locker Room Come Out…Different,’ Jets Custodian Warns Aaron Glenn appeared first on The Onion.

Trump Threatens Stadium Deal If Washington Commanders Don’t Change Name Back

The Onion Staff — Tue, 22 Jul 2025 20:53:21 +0000

President Donald Trump called for the Washington Commanders to change their name back to a previous one deemed offensive to Native Americans, threatening the NFL team’s stadium deal if they refuse. What do you think?

“What about ‘The Cobras?’ That would be a good name, I think.”
Ralph Covey, Corn Shucker

“Making ‘commander’ a racial slur might be a good compromise.”
Stephanie Geddes, Lens Bender

“Honestly, his long-term memory is in better shape than I thought.”
Erik Wetmore, Trophy Engraver

The post Trump Threatens Stadium Deal If Washington Commanders Don’t Change Name Back appeared first on The Onion.