Entertainment

Entertainment

Infomercial Host Skeptical At First, Then Delighted By Product

LOS ANGELES—After several minutes of heavy skepticism, television star and compensated product endorser Tom Wopat was won over by the DeFroster 2000, a revolutionary new…
Entertainment

Singer Cites Girlfriend As Reason He Lives, Dies, Breaks Down, Cries

NASHVILLE, TN—According to a song recently recorded by aspiring country singer Colin Barnett, longtime girlfriend Lori Sue Jennings is the reason he lives, dies, breaks…
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Horoscope for the week of September 25, 1996

You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice. God Himself will be powerless to save you from the…
Entertainment

The First Wife's Club Had Divorced Women In It

I saw an advertisement on the television set the other night while I was watching my favorite program, Archie Bunker, for the movie which is…
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Horoscope for the week of September 18, 1996

Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week. Be prepared for financial gain when…

Entertainment

Film To Be Made Into John Grisham

OXFORD, MS—According to entertainment industry insiders, Columbia Pictures’ 1995 courtroom thriller, The Witness, will soon be made into noted fiction writer John Grisham. The story…
Entertainment

MTV Launches 'Rock the Census' Campaign

NEW YORK—With four years to go before 2000, MTV is already launching a campaign designed to ensure widespread Generation X participation in the decennial national…
Entertainment

Burt Reynolds Lives Like a Princess

I’ve interviewed scores of Hollywood stars, but I never took them at anything more than face value, especially Burt Reynolds. I never guessed the truth…
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Horoscope for the week of September 11, 1996

Former roadblocks to romance will crumble and fall before you this month when you discover the erotic potential of intravenous racehorse amphetamines. A freak explosion…
Entertainment

Erik Estrada Big In Mexico

LOS ANGELES—According to word out of Hollywood, former CHIPs star and ’70s sex symbol Erik Estrada is reportedly big in Mexico. “Yeah, Erik Estrada. Sure,…
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Horoscope for the week of September 4, 1996

An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead. It’s been…

Entertainment

Liver Flees George Jones' Body

NASHVILLE, TN—After more than 40 years of absorbing vast quantities of hard alcohol, George Jones’ liver finally fled the famed country singer’s body Monday. “I…
Entertainment

The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

Ah, the movies. The lights. The glamour. The action! Where else can a person escape to see the stars for the price of a good…
Entertainment, Horoscopes

Horoscope for the week of August 28, 1996

The culmination of your life’s dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness. The stars indicate that it’s time to…
Entertainment

Artistic Sensibility Takes Backseat to Commerical Consideration

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Artistic sensibility took a backseat to commercial consideration yesterday, when independent writer-director Norm Blugoth’s semi-autobiographical opus, Shadows, Dimly: A Life Remembered was purchased, revamped…
Entertainment

Leno To Tell Outrageous O.J. Joke
Entertainment

J.F.K. High Cougars To Go, Fight, Win